Hello, and as always, thank you so much for being here. I... Wanted to start out today this episode with a few important updates, and just to out kind of, like, get right into it. I am I have been trying to figure out a way in which I can support more people. I often know people write out to me, and I don't have a place to send you other than the courses I have or to 1 on 1 coaching.
And so I've put together a membership and in the membership, it will be on patreon dot com because honestly, because figuring out these membership sites is so complicated and convoluted that it will be easier and more accessible to just do it on a site that is easier to use. And then as this grows, which I'm sure it will over time, I'll move over to something else. Like, a Cad job or something like that. But for now, my goal was to keep it simple and not delay further because these things can cause delays, and I've certainly cause them myself in the past by not not having the proper tools set up. And so the link is available in my show notes.
I'm super excited about it. There will be a monthly topic that you... We'll have access to. There will be a monthly group call, and there will also be a monthly Q and A session where you can submit questions to me, that I will answer. And as of right now, I'm committed to answering all of them.
But over time, we probably will have to taper them. But my goal is always to... Answer them And if you're part of the group, I will answer them. And if I need to do more episodes where we're I'm answering them, I'll answer them. So it's a way to ask questions to ways to get feedback, and in addition, I have been working on finding a way to engage with more of you via text and I was thinking about this and I know a lot of us have kids.
Or, we don't live in a safe space, and we need the access to reach out to somebody, and we can't always do it. On the phone on a Zoom. So what I have putting together is a way to message through an app called signal which is a protected app, but there's also other ones, like, whatsapp and chat, like Google Chat, so there's other options that can fit your needs, but it would be more of like, a 30 minute text session, which I would come into it knowing a bit about your story. And so more information about that will be on my web site, and so I would stay tuned for that And I'm excited to help more people. I know that I really love the clients that I work with, and I love the work that I do.
I feel like this is what I'm meant to be doing, and I'm looking forward to just expanding it and opening it up more, but as a single parent myself, as you know, time is not always of the essence, and so trying to get these things going, has just taken a bit more of a bigger lift for me. That being said, I'm gonna dive into today's episode. And so the title of this episode is Red flags I ignored, and I flame it. I framed it as red flags I ignored because I know so many of us have had other red flags. And, like...
So what I did was I just started writing things down and then because pulled in some client content from people that I've worked with. And, you know, when we talk about abuse, I think that psychological abuse is the most insidious warm ups of abuse because it is awful and it is trauma and often this abuse is being downplayed by the abuser. Right? Like there's nobody will tell you you're not being a abused more than the person that's actually abusing you. They are literally they literally gas like you so that you don't believe you're being abused.
You know, and I I know for me in and my story. The abuse the partner relied almost fully I'm manipulating the situation to make... Himself the good guy or the victim. And depending on the situation, this happened so much that over time I was blind to how much I was unintentionally letting things slide. And there were these moments of, like, overt yelling, but the majority of it was devoid of yelling.
It was more... It wasn't just... It wasn't, like, explicitly abusive. It was which obviously doesn't mean it's not abuse, but it was more insidious, and it was all always always often denied. By them.
So when I would bring up these things, whether it it'd be in a therapeutic environment, whether it be 1 on 1 whether it be. Writing out every behavior that I feel like is abusive and why it it would be denied, and I would be left second guessing myself all the time. And so I hope this episode is helpful in beginning to unravel some of those insidious forms of abuse that you may be thinking and feeling or even questioning within yourself. This actually brings me to the first red flag that I wanted to talk about, and that is if the abuser says it's not abuse. It's still abuse.
And once had a couple therapy session where the abuser requested that we don't use the word abuse. And this was about in regard to communicating about emotions, and I just remember I shut down and I almost felt silent and couldn't say anything. And luckily at that time the therapist kinda popped up, and it was a male therapist. And he was like, wait. Wait.
No. No. No. No. Like, we can't take away words.
If the behavior is feeling this way in the same way that the behavior may feel passive in a way that a behavior may feel passive aggressive. Like, want this to be a space where we could talk about these things. This is where we would talk about these things, and he was just like, yeah. But I feel like the word abuse. Is not helping.
And I was, like, you just wanna silence me. And in that session, I just remember sitting there frozen, and I don't know that I ever un froze from it, but The deeper red flag about this is that the abuser takes away our ability to trust our own reality, and this usually manifests in losing looking up, the behaviors of an abusive person and wanting to talk about it and trying to understand it and trying to research what's normal, then telling yourself that you're dramatic or that this isn't it, then you start self gas lighting, and this is what they want. They want you to second guess yourself. This is what they want by design. And that's why I wanted to take this time today begin to discuss the additional red flags that you may not realize, because to It obviously is not gonna touch on every red flag of abusive behavior, but most often we are looking for the validation that we meet.
That our reality is real because we are being told by an abusive person that it's not real. And even when it is validated by our own couple's therapist. We can still be told it's not real, or you'll go to therapy, your own therapist, your own coach, and they'll be like, this is abusive. This is abusive. And then you go and you sit in you're around other person and within a few minutes, you've talked to yourself out of...
It's not abusive. Because they say so. It's itself gas lighting. And I don't want you to second guess or self gas light yourself. I spent enough time second guessing and self gas myself for a hundred of these episodes, and if I helped 1 person not do that, I feel like I'm doing but I'm meant to be doing.
But it's... It is a red flag, and we should name it as a red flag. That you second guess your instinct, and that is an a... That is a red flag an abusive dynamic because you likely feel something that isn't right, and it may sound obvious to someone who hasn't been an abusive relationship is not obvious when you're in it. And if you're ignoring your gut instincts, it's a red flag.
It can be a pit in your stomach or a close off reaction, like the 1 Just described. In that therapy, but it can happen in an argument where things don't feel right, Or you may even be telling them that things don't feel right, and we're told that our feelings are wrong. And I say this all the time, but if you are googling behaviors, thoughts and perspectives and perceptions of another person, That's a red flag in itself because you're trying to make sense of reality that you have and just like your own tools and inner self can't make sense of it. And we know that when we go down those rabbit holes, it's never 1 post. It's 29 posts later, and we've diagnosed them, you know, in historic...
I was gonna use another, a non Bp non narcissist personality disorder, but We've diagnosed them. We've tried to understand them. We bought a book on how to live with them. We've bought it we've gone through a online course about how to... Be more empathetic towards a narcissist and then we get to the other side and we're like.
I've just spent the last year trying to make myself into our also that this other person is comfortable, and I don't even know who I am anymore. It's also Another red flag is feeling the need to record conversations or take notes. Or journal immediately after a conversation. And this goes in line with screenshot in conversations. I know for me, I'd screenshot and send to my coach with a lot of over explaining a lot of over con context and J would say, like, you take responsibility for things that are not yours.
With you know. But over time, I learned that this was, like, a hundred percent assigned that I was being gas lit. Because in a healthy relationship, if your your partner doesn't doubt your reality and perceptions. I remember hearing this and thinking it was weird. That that wouldn't happen.
Like that I wouldn't be challenged, which obviously is probably a bit of my own personal, you know, childhood trigger, but thinking of, like, wait, what do you mean they wouldn't challenge it? Like, of course, they chat challenged everything. Like, they'd actually just listened to me and here my perspective. And take their perspective and my perspective and we'd find a mutual perspective. Like, what a concept?
And if someone is telling you that your perception is wrong, that is... That is gas light. If they say the problem is your perspective, it is gas light. If someone tries to convince you that your feelings are wrong, disproportionate immature, it's gas, and let me be clear. We can have disproportionate in air quotes, reactions or outburst.
We all do it. It would be... Non human to say that we didn't do it. Right? Like, we do react.
We do get inquiries and we fly off the handle of times. It's not what we want. Right? We get mad. But a rational person will look go back and, like, they apologize.
My daughter and I... Because she's 7. We we use the terms, red zone, yellow green zone, and if you have a child, you probably have heard that from their school before, but, you know, With her. Say Charlotte, you just went right to Red zone, and even at 7, she'll go, I know. I know Mommy.
Why why'd did you do that? I don't know. Okay. Well, maybe we can figure it out. Right?
So it's like you don't know, but we will figure it out. I am here. I will, you know, we'll get to the other side, but in an abusive relationship. It's never... Let me hear your perspective.
It's what can I do to get you to understand and take on mind? So that your perspective no longer matters. How can I wear are you down so much that you stop pushing your perspective, except mine, This argument ends and I win? Oh, you're upset over my reaction. It's your fault.
You mean me mad. Whenever we are triggered or upset, we could have actions that are big. But I think the big red flag here is that they don't care. They don't... It never matters.
They can yell scream trauma response all over you. But it will always be your fault. Something I think about a lot is how the abuser, tries to take away our ability to feel and that their reactions are the only reactions that are acceptable. Which kind of brings to another red flags that they're always the victim up. And you may not realize this at the beginning because you have compassion.
You have empathy, you listen to people's stories. Right? We want... When we meet somebody new, we typically are, like, very understanding, especially as a partner. Right.
You're people In theory, a safe space, not in an abusive relationship. In reflection, over time, I realized that I've had some partners that were always the victim no matter what, with every breakup at work with every wrongdoing doing, when they hurt you, it's your fault. It's... They are the victim. They have financial issues.
It's not because they spent 10000 dollars on shit they didn't need. It's because of it's your fault because you made them do it. They're a victim to finances. It's it's... Or it's this person's fault because they have to pay XYZI think sometimes it can come across as emotional maturity, almost like, they just don't get it.
But it's abusive because there's no accountability. A healthy person takes an account... Takes accountability for their role in things, but Right? When we're wrong, we take accountability of. You have any idea how many people I work with that's spend more time wondering about what their role in and the abuse a relationship was rather than the fact that it was abusive, and they didn't feel safe and they couldn't think clearly.
A they're so concerned about how they could have shown up differently, and I understand that because that was me. I spent months trying to figure out what and how I could have shown up differently when the answer was, I couldn't because I didn't feel mentally and physically safe. And the victim mentality goes even further, like, because in this also sounds a bit emotionally immature, but they'll say things like you clearly hate me now A horrible person. And I have a client who's with somebody who relies on this sentiment like their life depends on it. And when she tries to speak to hand out her feelings around something he'd done, he would immediately claims to be the victim.
She couldn't ever and can't ever even now approach the word abuse or the abusive behaviors. And what was really tough is that she'd have to stop focusing on how he made her feel based on any of the actions to affirming him in the strength of the relationship. So she always had to make him feel better. And so now, you know, the way I view this is, like, if she's the victim of all of this. It's getting a lot of he's getting all the sympathy from all these people.
The trauma bond is enhanced. But this is all just a deflect reflection away from the behavior of what's actually happening. But when we're in it, this is the exact cycle that leads all of us to thinking it's us. Because the abuser makes us feel like a horrible person. So why would we ever want somebody that we love and care about to feel like a horrible person?
It's also a red flag when you try to end it. You try to break up usually, this is when we're at our wit end when we can't breathe when, like, we're sitting across from someone that doesn't even look the same anymore. And maybe it's, like, 10 attempts to break up with them, you know, but then they scoop you back within a few days or they're like, fine. Take all your stuff. You go, you start collecting your stuff.
You're sobbing. And then it's like, Are you really gonna do that? It's like you clearly don't want to be with me? You clearly hate me. Another red flag and this is 1 that I didn't realize.
For a long time, but when they skip songs or turn off, like movies, If you know the Billie E song happier than ever. I love that song. I used to play it so loudly. It's like the sing on the top of your, you know, that sing as loud if you can type of song They used to always skip the song. That really was so interesting.
It's like, it never really hit me why, but it's like you knew you were doing something wrong. You didn't want to address it. So it was easier for you to push it away and make the problem that I like the song. And I've seen people do this with movies, Tv shows and other things like that, you know, And I think we feel that way too. Like, we feel cringe if we're watching a reality show and there's a fight.
I felt cringey when. I'd watch reality a reality show somebody would like seem a little bit like me. And the other person wouldn't be judging them for the way that they were showing up, they would just let them be themselves, and I'd be like, now I feel picky because that person on this Tv seem is acting out and seemingly can just, like, be who they actually are and this person is understanding that. Yet, in my life, they don't. They don't let me be who I am.
I think it's also worth noting that A lot of times we skip Tv shows movies, things like that because we don't want them to think that we think that they show up in that way even slightly. Because we don't want that conversation either. We don't want more abuse. Another red flag is feeling sick with guilt all of the time. I remember feeling so guilty about how uncomfortable and happy I was feeling.
And every time I mentioned an issue, Talked about how he treated me. It was always taken as an accusation, and then he would do everything to convince that. He he... It was false, but it was my fault. To the point that he would even screenshot things off of my Instagram and send them to me and then tell me that this, like, this thing that you wrote this relates to you.
This thing that you wrote, like, this is why you feel that way. I would be, like, I wrote that 8 years ago, and, like, I just kind of keep repurposing it for this 1 post and be like, well, that's it. And I feel like what? You know, or like, oh, you you grew up in a home where you didn't feel like you were loved. Well, here's all the reasons why you are the way that you are.
It's like, no. That's not it. That that I am more I am focused on this relationship here right now. And if all those things are true, you know, it is a red flag, if every single time, it's never them, it's always something else, and then you have to feel so guilty. I've had clients get physically ill.
I've gotten physically ill, you know, but I've had them get physically ill just holding all this shit in all the time. And being told that they're judgmental that they're just ignoring their their the other person's feelings that they're constantly criticizing them. This usually leads people to feel like they're the abuser. And the fact that it's so hidden and so subtle. It makes us doubt, you know, doubt, like, how much we actually love the other person and that if the problem is how much we love them.
It is how we show up. And this ties with Being afraid, terrified of saying no we're enforcing to. This 1 hits me in my soul because Relational boundaries are hard, but da has taken this idea of boundaries are meant to keep people in your life. If you don't want somebody in your life, then like, you find... It's a different words.
It's a different something. The boundaries that you have are to keep these people in a safe way. I can literally count the amount of times. I I would like politely ask for times to myself to focus on my own priorities. And there was always a way that my space got invaded, whether if it was, like, unreasonable asks, consistent asks, coming over offering to help but not helping, being sick, a big freak out.
It was always something, and I've had clients that they cannot even set a boundary to sleep, because if the abuser wants the abuser user wants, they will get what they want. How many times has somebody said to you? You can tell me to leave it all go, but then there's a consequence for that. Often we feel so guilty when we try and stand up for ourselves and talk about what we need, but when they need something. There's nothing.
Absolutely nothing we can do. You know, and most the times, we don't want to. A red flag is also their body language at times. We've all seen somebody clearly upset, mumbling something. Just say no it's fine as sat or at tone.
But there a lot of times are trying to make you feel guilty or embarrassed or ashamed. A lot of times this also comes up as confused. You're confused. You're like, why are the words say that, but the body says this? I don't get it.
But it's insidious when it's paired with somebody saying the opposite thing out loud? I love you so much. It's totally fine, but there's anger. There's content. And suddenly, it's like you're defending yourself and apologizing.
It's It's crazy making. You know? And even when I'm saying this now I'm, like, part of partly, I don't feel like I'm making that much sense, but it's I'm not making sense because it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. It also doesn't make sense like their use of the silent treatment because it's used as a punishment.
You know, and that's why when the body language is saying, the words are saying, I love you so much with a lot... But the body language is saying, you're fucking in for it, like, you don't know what to do. You don't know how to make sense the sense of it. I think the last red flag I will touch on today is around sex. And I'm gonna tell a story client story.
Client got injured, client couldn't have sex. Not that she couldn't, but she heard her back and she couldn't have sex. The amount of times that the other... But the point of partner brought up sex, brought up having sex brought up how healthy relationships have sex, brought up meeting sex work up brought up the amount time that they have in sex brought up. All of this is she would come to me and just be like, I am losing my mind.
Like, I can't have sex, and I told him I can't have sex afraid type sex. I feel like sex didn't be very painful and his response was or maybe will feel good. She's like, I just feel so stuck. He keeps touching me. He keeps rubbing me.
I'm so uncomfortable. And that is a massive red flat. I that is sexual coercion. She felt so pressured. Like, I almost wanted to, like, hug her and just, like take her out of it there and be, like, it's okay.
You stay here you heal because that was also causing her to tense up and to... And then judge herself for not wanting to have sex. But it was all because she didn't feel like she could express I can't right now. I love you. I wanna can.
I will let you know. He wouldn't give her that freedom. Instead it was all about him and his needs and them not being met and that she's not trying, but every time sex was brought up. And but then he would say, You know, but it's totally fine. I get you can have sex right now.
But then you like them why do you keep bringing it up? Because I I miss you. It's been 2 months. I know. All these red flags are very insidious.
And obviously, these are not all of them. You know, there's so many more. And I'm sure this is just like part 1 of a multi part podcast, but I just really wanted to... Shine light on these behaviors because they slip under the radar, you know, through the abusers gas lighting, self optimization, twisting situations. They're always the good guy, and there's so much I wish I knew years ago before I felt like I was going crazy, but I didn't...
It just continuously messed with my mind over overtime until I was able to get onto the other side, and it... I actually had a pause this podcast a few times as I was recording it because it was even bringing up, like, some of those old trauma responses of just shutting down. And so I really hope that it was helpful. I hope it was validating. And I hope that if you found this podcast because you're Googling abusive behaviors and Red flags that you are able to take this and to...
Validate yourself for what you really need it to hear. And I really do... I really do hope that this was helpful. To connect with me, you can find me at emotional abuse coach on Instagram. Jessica at jessica night coaching dot com is my email, and my website is emotional abuse coach dot com.
I am here, I want to help. And if you need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out.
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