No Contact with a Narcissist

I'm going to dive into an enormous topic today: No Contact. I carry a different perspective than others because it was so hard for me to get to. It felt like I was literally trying to saw off my hand with a butter knife.

In this podcast, I explain why we go No Contact in abusive relationships and some strategies if the all or nothing feels possible right now.

Transcript

 Welcome to the Relationship Recovery Podcast, hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others, and heal the relationship with your.

So you can learn to love in a healthy way.

Hello, and thank you for being here. Before I dive into the topic today, I just wanted to say that my trauma Bond recovery group, which is a group coaching option, is starting February 9th, and I would love to have you be a part of it. The details are up@emotionalabusecoach.com and. You could always message me, Jessica, Jessica Knight coaching.com if you want some more information or if you can't find the link, I will do an episode on what's in that course soon, and I would love to have you be a part of it.

I'm going to dive into a really big topic today. No contact, and I think I might have a different perspective about no contact than others because it was so hard for me to actually get to that. , it felt like I was literally trying to saw off my hand with a butter knife the whole hand. I would've preferred to have never spoken to anybody else again than to not speak to this one person.

When I was trying to break contact, it was so hard to get there, and I got there through setting boundaries, through knowing in my bones that the only thing that was going to help was finally getting to no contact and to committing to some trial and error to get there. So today I'm going to talk a little bit about that as well as what's the point of no contact, because a lot of us get stuck, and even though it was really hard for me, I want you to know that it's essential.

I want you to go into this episode knowing that it is essential that at one point you get to no contact, but if you can't get there right now, I hope that you can get one tiny step closer. No contact is how you begin to recover from narcissistic. . Many, many people get stuck in this stage, and it could be due to a lot of reasons, but one of them could just be needing a lack of closure and feeling like you have absolutely no self-esteem or self-worth.

A lot of people feel like they don't know who they are anymore. You might feel like you wanna get back at them in some way. You might just really have a hard time letting go, but either way, contacting them or allowing them to still have contact with you. We will keep you trapped in this endless cycle of pain that comes with this toxic relationship.

It's just a constant reminder and it's a constant drink in a way. I like to think about a narcissistic relationship as having to heal from an addiction. Anyone that has ever suffered from an addiction knows that most people choose to go cold Turkey, fully sober, cuz even a little bit can set off. A wave of a toxic cycle, and that's exactly what's happening here.

We all have, I really don't wanna say this word, but we have excuses. We have reasons why we do it, why we continue to contact. A lot of us don't think that this thing is going to lead to a certain result, but this is something that there's really no shortcut to. It's painful. It is so freaking hard, and it's gonna feel like breaking a heroin addiction.

Because in the case of toxic relationships, we are Dix did to the cycles that we've fallen into. We have normalized abnormal behavior. We do find any excuse to let them back into our world. Whether it's trying to normalize what's happening to us, get closure or hurt them, but just like alcohol or the alcohol that the alcoholic get.

one drink will likely end up going on a bender in some way. We don't wanna get to that point because if you're anything like me, you set no contact and then fell back a few times, and you wanna be really conscious of that. In fact, I know for me, every single time that I responded, even months after the relationship was over and I was feeling so much better and I thought he was blocked on everyth.

one piece of contact that would come through would still really set me off. There was this one moment where this was probably about six months after the relationship was over. I thought everything was blocked, but one email address that I have that I don't use often wasn't, and it put me in fight, flight, and freeze all at once.

It was immediate, so eventually, If you're going to heal and really heal, if you're going to set yourself up for that relationship that you want with somebody who loves you and cares about you, and chooses you, you're going to have to get yourself closer to no contact. You will need to ride out the feelings of a draw and the cravings that you're going to have.

It will feel like breaking a heroin addiction, and I don't say that lightly. That's actually what healing from a trauma bond is compared to scientif. . There are other podcasts out there that talk about that. It really sucks. And so when I had to lean into no contact in my own life, I realized that it was so painful at the beginning.

I couldn't get myself there. I was getting the advice that I needed to, but I personally needed to break it down into steps. And now a lot of people are going to tell you not to do that, that it's no contact. And that's. I am telling you that that did not work for me personally. When I couldn't do that, I felt like I was letting down my therapist, my life coach, my friends, the people that care about me by not being able to, I felt like I was broken, like there was something wrong with me.

But I'm not broken and my clients are certainly not broken, and you are not broken. It's just really freaking hard because you're basically being asked to shut off something that you don't want to shut off. You don't like their treatment of you. You are trauma bonded to them. You want to change it, but you can't.

No one wants to leave a relationship and feel like absolute. . So what I did, knowing how hard this was, but knowing I needed to get myself there was I started to create some steps. And the first thing I did was I made some promises to myself of when I would respond. So for example, it was twice a day at first, so this was after we had broken up.

and he was still texting me. And to be honest, I was still texting him too. So we were still texting each other. At first it was once, no, like I said, at first it was twice a day. It was once in the morning and once at night, and I would not respond during the day. At this point, there weren't that many messages coming in, but if he called me, I still wouldn't answer.

I'd wait until the end of the day. That was a really hard boundary for me to. . And so eventually, I mean, that was really hard to hold that boundary because I wanted to respond if something came in, but I knew I needed to stretch these out a little bit more and get myself closer to one in the morning and one at night.

And then after that, it ended up being just at night because started to feel better and I wouldn't really want to wake up and respond. I would wanna wake up. , get out my day. But then as the day went on, I would still start to feel kind of crappy and I would wanna respond, or I would want that like dopamine hit.

So I would respond. If I got an email, I waited until the next day to respond, and sometimes the next day to even read it, he called me. I wasn't answering unless I knew what it was about. That was really painful and really hard. But I needed it, and I know I needed it. It was really important because eventually it gave me the courage.

To mute the messages, and so I got to the point where I wouldn't get alert to be texting me, which was really helpful because I didn't wanna see his name pop up anymore for a little bit. I would obsess and check it, even if it was muted, but then I set a boundary with myself there because I realized what it did to me.

By separating my time out, I was able to just see like, I'm so much calmer this way. I don't have chaos. And then when I got that once a day response it, and it was only at night, sometimes I wouldn't even want to, sometimes I had such a good day, I just didn't even feel like it. And then eventually I got to a point where I really didn't wanna text back or I started to realize all the messages are on his terms.

He's responding when he wants to. So then I started to play around with that of like, can. , how many days can I string together? I'm not responding. So I'd set these little goals for myself, like, okay, half a day, okay, a full day, I'm not gonna ruin it. Now I can make it till tomorrow morning. And that gave me that feeling of, oh my God, I can do this.

I can get there. Because especially as I started to implement some other.  that if you are in the space of learning about narcissistic or emotional abuse, you know what Gray Rock is, or you might know what Gray Rock is. If not, you can Google it. But I started to be able to see that as I became as boring as possible to this person.

He really still only talked about himself. There was this one situation where he was traveling for work and he was texting me constantly when he was in meetings, like to the point that like one day. I mean, it was so much that I think he expected me to respond, even though I had these boundaries and I was acting off of them.

And then he calls me and then calls again, and I'm like, what's going on? So I eventually I pick up and I'm like, what's going on? He's like, oh, I just wanna know how you're doing. I'm like, what? One? Why too? Why? But it was all about him that following weekend. I didn't hear from him at. And then I was like, oh my gosh, I'm actually like, I don't wanna hear from him.

This is an amazing feeling. And then, because I didn't really want to hear from him, I did want to respond to the how are you doing text that triggered him and then was calling me constantly just to check in as he put it. And it's like, why are you checking in? You dumped me and told me I suck . Um, but regardless, I go on that tangent just to say, As time goes on, if they continue to contact you, you will realize all the contact is about them.

It has nothing to do with you and that will, or it could help you remove yourself even further. But something is important to mention is that no contact includes social media. No contact includes social media. All social networks. So even though I was making all these strides of no contact, I was still being triggered by his Instagram.

I would still look to see if he looked at my story. He doesn't really use Facebook, but I'd look at it. I would look at it any way just to see if people tagged him in things. I was connected to him on Spotify. I was connected to him on Strava, so I was able to see if he went for a run that day. . We shared Jet Blue Points.

He had both my email addresses. We were connected on LinkedIn. He had my business Instagram. We were connected on a few TV services like Netflix and things like that. I had to detox myself from all of those. And then after I detoxed myself from all of those, including removing, following him on Strava, a running app, disconnecting him from my JetBlue.

Disconnecting him from Spotify or unfollowing, whatever it is. Obviously, Instagram was the hardest one because that's the one that I think a lot of us are most connected to. It was real. It was really hard. I didn't wanna let that one go. And a lot of people that I work with don't wanna let go of these other little social parts.

These are the ways we, we can still hoover around. You have to let them go because even knowing if your partner went for a run that day still can be pretty triggering to you. You have to remove yourself from everything. So same thing with no contact. I started small First. I was like, I'm gonna remove Strava.

Okay, now Spotify, LinkedIn. And then at that point, he was already muted on Instagram, so I didn't see what he posted, but didn't stop me from looking. . And so then I had to come up with a plan for myself around that. Like, okay, if you don't, if you are not going to remove him, you cannot look at it. That was the new promise, and once again, now it felt like I was cutting off my other arm with a butter knife.

If you've heard my story on other platforms or pieces of it, eventually, You know what kept happening here? He kept finding ways to fight with me, mostly through email only responding to things he wanted to respond to, never actually addressing anything I was saying. And I had to create so much space, so many boundaries had to be said.

So I felt clearer and I felt better. And the more that I did, the more I was seeing it for what it was. . I was so educated at this point in narcissistic abuse. I was within training on narcissistic abuse and how to heal it In coaching clients. I knew exactly what I was dealing with, so I had a lot more confidence and the space and the mind mindset to say, this is ridiculous.

So when it got to blocking email, his phone number, WhatsApp, Instagram, I was coming from a really strong place. . It's also because I did the conscious work to get myself there. So if you find yourself thinking, well, won't they recognize that I did this? I'm trying to show them some sympathy. What if they get with somebody else immediately?

You need to remember that all social media, all calls, all ways of seeing what they're doing. It basically just brings you right back to step one. You need to star of your mind of that trigger. , you need to not take the heroin. You need to be committed to getting back to your life, and that will help you and help you align your thoughts to be able to see who this person really is, because most likely what we see is the illusion of who they are.

We don't see them for who they are, who they really are. When I got to the point of being able to block his phone number, I was doing it knowing exactly who they. It was somebody who was controlling and abusive and only wanted me to do and say what they wanted me to do and say he, they wanted me to think what they said.

I thought I never got the closure conversation that I wanted. Instead, I got a word vomit email of every single thing that he thought that I'm sure he thinks was well written and proofread and that made sense. But all I read when I read that, I am telling you I care about you, but I'm not giving you anything that you

Anything that you asked for here. He had his own closure conversation. Not one that ever happened with me. The closure that I got came from looking at the situation for what it was and also being really sick of it. I had set so many boundaries with this person that when he tried to kind of like push things around a bit or like misplace.

I wasn't dealing with it anymore. He also couldn't tolerate that, that I had such a wall up. You need to be really mindful of other ways that they might seek to contact you. For example, not allowing them to come over. If they wanna drop your stuff off to you, don't take it or give them a time that they can leave it, that you're not there.

These are ways that they will try and come into contact with you and it's counter product. You can say, you can drop it off at this time, specifically leave it right here. You can ask them to ship it to you. You can ask them to leave it with a friend. You can ask that friend to get it. You could ask them to leave it outside of their place and have a friend go grab it for you.

They can send it to someone. If they really care about you, they can. They will find a way to get you your things in a way that works for you. I had taken my important things. It was jewelry. A few shirts. I didn't need anything else, so I told him to put it in the trash and I was like, throw it out, cuz I knew that I had what I wanted and even anything else I didn't want, he still came and left it at my house.

Six months later I said I wasn't home. And if I was, and if he ever did come, I knew what I was gonna do. I was going to call the police. I had to get myself there. . That took a long time. I remember sitting down and thinking about it, saying, I don't want my, I don't want it. And knowing that if he ever did bring it, especially when he said he was going to, which he didn't, that I was gonna call the police if he came because I did not, I no longer wanted this person to contact me.

He was not welcome in my home anymore. He dropped it off and left it in the vestibule of my apartment building and a pile in three trash bags and like half of it wasn't even my. But I got there by setting no contact, no contact, gave me the space that I needed within myself to be able to see what was actually happening.

It gave me the space to think. It allowed me to set boundaries. I was able to see what's healthy, what's not healthy. I was able to get myself to a point where I felt like this shit is ridiculous, and it's so painful. I couldn't imagine going through a day without hearing his voice for so, And when I got myself there, I didn't wanna go back.

No. Contact also means not speaking to family because sometimes they will be flying monkeys, meaning that they will try and help the other person hoover their way back in. It's really tough not to do that. A lot of us don't wanna be what we would perceive as mean, but remember, this is for your healing.

This is a boundary and they're always gonna choose their family member, even if they make it seem like they're choosing you. You also could set a guideline for yourself around that. If it's shutting off, contact is too hard. You could say something like, look, I love you and I appreciate you, and I am gonna miss you, but I need some space that this is really painful.

I'm healing. I can't do this right now. I know a lot of people will say, isn't that like giving them the silent treatment? What's the difference? The difference is in the intent. The intent, so that you can break free from abuse and heal. This is not to hurt someone if it hurts them, that's not on you.

You've been so hurt at this point. It's not a matter of making a statement to them. It's a matter of you making this choice to heal from emotional abuse and have a better life. It's not a punishment at them. . That's why you also need to take away the access that they can have to contact you. That means you don't respond.

If they reach out, you block them. If they reach out somewhere else, you block that. So just to make this clear, first, you might set some rules with yourself, then it might be about boundaries, then not responding. This is a starting point for your recovery, and if you get anything out of this today, That's what I want you to see is that this is the starting point of your recovery.

The only way that you're gonna begin to heal is if you have no contact, because then you are no longer feeding the addiction that you have to them. Before we end, I wanna talk about what no contact isn't. No contact isn't a method to teach them something for a few days and then unblocking them and letting them back in.

They're not going to understand how their negative behavior has affected you. And it's not going to help you towards healing. No contact is blocking them. No contact is not asking mutual friends on how they're doing or if they're dating or if they're asking about you. That's just another way of getting that drink.

No contact is not telling them you're going no contact. It's not telling them what you're going to do. You can't say, I can't speak to you anymore. I'm going to be blocking you because they're going to react. They're going to blame you. It will stop your healing. No contact is not doing it to get revenge.

It's not doing it to get back at them. This is doing it to get back to yourself. And I know it doesn't feel this way now, but blocking them is going to give you back your sense of power. A lot of times we go back and forth before we get to that spot. Do your best to string together more days of no contact than not.

The more you do that, the more you find yourself breaking it, the more you'll find yourself going back and forth, the more you won't be able to hold yourself accountable and the worse you're going to feel. When you are able to pull those days together, it's gonna feel so good and so empowering, and you're really start to notice that you're having this sense of peace.

And I imagine listening to me right now, some of you may not even believe that, but it takes time and it might be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but it's going to help so much. And so I hope this was helpful. I hope this gives some context, maybe some tools. And if you need help and if you need support, you can.

Contact me at Jessica Jessica night. You can look up the coaching I do@emotionalabusecoach.com. I offer one-on-one coaching and I have two courses including the group coaching option that is starting February 9th. You can also find me on Instagram at Emotional Abuse Coach. Good luck. I'll talk to you soon.