Borderline Personality Disorder

You aren't sure if they are a Narcissist or not? Are they too emotional to be a Narcissist? Are you actually not sure what or who they are? If you are asking yourself these questions, this is the podcast for you. On this episode, we dive into a topic that is often scrutinized: BPD. Recognizing these stages allows one to understand what might seem inexplicable behavior patterns — providing clarity amidst confusion.

Transcript

 Welcome to the You Are Not Crazy Podcast hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes. And healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others, and heal the relationship with yourself so you can learn to love in a healthy way.

You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content, and coaching@emotionalabusecoach.com.

Hello, and thank you so much for being here. As always. Today I'm going to talk about borderline personality disorder and what the cycle looks like for you if you're dealing with somebody that has borderline personality disorder. When I talk about borderline on social media, on threads, I tend to get a. I tend to get a lot of people that are like, you are pathologizing.

You know, you're hating, you're doing this, you're doing that. And that's concerning for me because it is as prevalent as narcissism. But because it's not as overtly abusive at times as narcissism, it doesn't mean it's any less harming. And it doesn't mean that narcissists can't have borderline qualities and vice versa.

In fact, on a future podcast, I'll talk about how a lot of the cluster B disorders tend to be intertwined. Meaning that somebody is almost never just a narcissist and almost never just a borderline, not just antisocial, not just a sociopaths. It's a, like all these pathological disorders tend to have multiple.

A lot of times we're dealing with all these emotional, physical, psychological, behavioral, financial, sexual, spiritual, abusive partners, and we don't actually know what we're dealing with. We feel like we're crazy. And we think, what the hell is going on and how can I make this better? And I think right before we get to how do we get out of it, we start to think about, I need to understand that.

And you know, I've always been in the place of wanting you to not feel crazy, which is literally the name of this podcast now. But it's also that there's a lot of patterns and very common. To these relationships, and sometimes when we can see ourselves in the situation, we can see ourselves in the cycle.

That's how we get out of it, because if we don't understand what we're going through, we have nothing to really lean on other than looking at ourself and looking at how we show up. But a lot of times, and especially with borderline, this.

Trauma, they can seem, you know, like what they're asking for is valid. They need an excessive amount of validation. But what we notice is that. There's never enough validation that you could possibly give someone. There's never enough love. There's never enough anything. There's never enough attention, there's never enough, you name it.

For them to really, I think, understand or be able to see like, oh my God, this person is actually giving all themselves. So like a lot of times we become very codependent because we don't that we're dealing with a mental health condition. A primary characteristic of a borderline is that they have unstable and explosive emotions, and it leads to really impulsive actions, self-image issues, chaotic relationships, chaotic patterns, and very severe mood changes, and they have problem controlling their impulsivity, a problem controlling their anger.

And they also discard. They also have the supply and yes, a lot of this comes from issues in their childhood. However, I really take the stance that once we are aware of what happened in our childhood and how it affects us today, it is on us to. Work on that. It's on us to look at that. And if we're hurting those around us, it's not something that you can say, well, again, this is my perspective.

Like, well, you have to deal with that because this is what happened to me. I don't take that perspective. I grew up in an abusive home. I totally could be a narcissist. I could be any of these things, and I've made the conscious choice my whole life to look at myself even, and especially when it's painful.

And I do think that it's our responsibility as adults and as. Time. And so there is no cure, but there's management and you know, I do feel like right now I'm going off on a bit some of the background, but the purpose of this podcast is to help you understand what you can expect and. We typically look at the cycle of abuse, we look at the cycle of narcissistic abuse, and now you know there's something called the seventies when it comes to BPD, that it is a cycle and it can be really helpful to understand.

And I know that for me, when I was able to see myself in the storm, I knew what I could expect and. I was able rationalize for myself what was happening. Even if I wasn't able to break through the cognitive dissonance to get to the other side, I was able to see at the very least what was happening. And it's one of those things that you can feel really validated when you see.

And now I will do another episode that talks a little bit more about borderline and what we see and what it looks like in relationship to narcissism, you know, and to abuse. I feel like I'm putting a little bit of the cart before the horse, but I think that this is the episode that you would wanna listen to if you feel like you're stuck in the cycle.

And if you get one thing outta this, I want you, actually, there's two. One, you're not alone. You are not crazy and there is a cycle and all the things that I say, you can Google and find them. So this isn't me coming up with it. I'm not bashing borderline, you know, personality disorder. I am giving those who are in relationships with people with an undiagnosed or untreated or ignored personality disorder tools to help themselves.

The second thing is that these disorders exist on a spectrum and most of the time you're not dealing with just a narcissist or just the borderline or just antisocial personality disorder, which is pretty much sociopathy. What you are dealing with are people that are on a spectrum and they can have a little of this and a little bit of that, and it comes together and it

depressed.

Traumatic stress. And the more you know, the more you can educate yourself, the more you can heal. The more that you can take care of yourself, the more that you can take care of your children. And that is why I do the work that I do. And so I believe that if you have been in a relationship with somebody that has presenting with BPD, you've experienced the stages that I'm gonna talk about.

And especially when you've gone through this chaos for the time, you no idea what to expect. And all you have heard, probably from your support network, from your friends who's like, man, this person's dysregulated. You need to get outta this. And on one hand, yeah, it is the advice that will likely help you.

But at the same time, if you don't understand what you're going through and if you're likely being blamed for these. Feelings that this other person is having, that they're putting onto you, then you're not gonna leave because they have a really covert and overt way of blaming you for the way that they feel.

Especially when somebody is or has been traumatized and they have so much trauma, it's really hard to be separate from and break away from. But that's why understanding it is important, because even if it is rooted in trauma, my belief is that it's still their responsibility to work on that. Especially if they're hurting those that they care about and love.

And so let's get into the stages. The first is destiny. You meet, and this feels like the love bombing stage. If we wanna relate it back to narcissism, they usually will feel like you know this, that you've already known each other. You have similar tastes and interests and habits, very similar to love bombing.

It feels like so easy to connect. And they might even have similar interests. They likely do because they will mirror you and your interests now become their interests. They'll, they'll tell you that you're different from anybody they ever met. They'll tell you that you're different from any other past partners that they have and how much better this relationship is.

They'll talk about how abusive their past partners were and how irrational they were, and you'll believe them because it'll sound so believable and uh, you know, and a lot of times maybe there's believable parts in it. Is gonna be amazing. You're gonna feel so relieved you finally found this person. It's gonna move so freaking fast.

It's gonna be like a relationship on steroids, but you're gonna feel like you should be along for the ride and that you don't wanna mess this up and that this is the person that you should be with and it's gonna feel like a rollercoaster. And there's gonna be things that pop up and little red flags, but then they're gonna be met with green flags or the red they'll, the other person will take the red flag and then like put it in.

Show who. You may be confused. You may be confused as to why this person is so convinced that you are their person. But again, you feel chosen and so you're gonna choose to be chosen. But very similar to love bombing. This is not who this person is. And even though you feel like you met your soulmate, this is not who they actually are.

This is a mask, but you're not gonna it at the beginning. And usually we only start to see this towards the end. Usually this lasts for as long as the honeymoon phase lasts. So it could be three months, it could be six months, it could be nine months, but it will end and you probably are ignoring what your instincts are.

Saying like again, you, you are strapped into the rollercoaster ride and so you're not going to pop out right before you hit the big drop.

But in retrospect, when you look back at this, you're gonna realize that a lot of it was fake because a lot of those patterns of who this person was no longer exist, especially if you are, you know, a few years down the line and, but it usually doesn't take that long. The second phase is dismissal, and this is one that we do see a little bit in narcissism, but it's.

It's not necessarily devaluing yet. It's causing you to second guess yourself and feelings. And so in this phase, they start seeming more erratic. And more forward about their feelings. It's like their feelings are on speed a lot of the time is the best way I can explain it. By this time, they've definitely already told you that they loved you and so like now they like really love you and they're like everything kind of roots back into how much they love you, but they're using the I love you.

Of hurtful behaviors that they're doing. So they might be like dismissing your relationship, telling you that they wanna like marry you and have kids with you and they wanna build a life with you. And it feels sometimes like love, but it also feels like super unhealthy and you're find yourself second guessing.

But. They love you so they gloss over what's actually happening. So you might start to feel like your feelings and your boundaries are being dismissed. Like if you say like, oh, I really need this day to like clean my house, and like, I'll feel so much better after. And like, I'm so sorry. I wish I could spend Saturday with you, but like totally looking forward to seeing you Sunday.

I just need Saturday. And then it's. But I love you, but I miss you. But I love you, but I miss you. But are you sure? Like, how could you do that? Like, you know, like I, I wanna be around you. Like, like are you sure that's what you're doing? I don't know if that's what you're doing. Like why do you need to clean all day?

It's a beautiful day outside. Don't you wanna be outside? No, I need to clean. That's what's gonna help me feel better. Okay. But I miss you. It's gonna be a lot of that, A lot of like not actually respecting you of, okay, got it. I hear you. I want you to take care of yourself. This is also where we start to see the gaslighting start.

So that means that you'd also notice in this space that you might be isolated from friends, but again, it's lacd in, but I love you so much and I wanna spend so much time with you so you don't see it. But what they're doing is dismissing those important relationships. They will start to change their account of reality.

You'll notice that you'll communicate clearly, most likely, and they'll have a different interpretation. Something I noticed during this phase two is that they can be like really attuned to your facial expressions, to your voice, to like your emotions, even if you don't have any. And that's when I, it starts to get like really insidious, really confusing because I.

And then they're telling you that you are. But because we are conscious and aware of people, we start to ask ourselves, do I really feel this way? Are they right? Am I wrong? Are they am? Am I not showing up how I really show up? Maybe I'm not showing up how that I show up. Maybe they see something that I don't see.

But then if you think about it, where that, that's just causing us to self gaslight now because they're saying, no, your face says this and you're like, holy shit, how am I showing up? Rather than, no, I don't feel that way. But again, this is coming right after honeymoon phase, so we're so, so, so wrapped up in all the emotion.

We don't know what we're looking at. Which leads us to the third phase. Denial. So what happens in denial? Well, you start to see them snap at you usually at really small things. And I was thinking about this and I actually example, and so I partner that I feel like a.

We had spent the day separate. It was definitely like a, Hey, you do this. I gotta do this. I'll see you later, kind of thing. Or like, let's touch base as the day goes on. Something like that. Not, but not at all. Like, I don't ever wanna see you. It was more like, I have stuff to do. You have stuff to do, let's get our stuff done.

I remember, like I invited him to come do something and he just didn't respond. He ignored it. He wrote about something else and I just was like, okay, maybe he just missed or busy or whatever, you know? And this was definitely not like, I don't think it was conscious at the time. Doesn't mean it didn't happen.

And then he said something like, you haven't prioritized time with me. And my response was, I literally asked you do something five text messages ago and ignored very person. That is who I am. And so I wasn't being necessarily sarcastic. I was actually trying to be funny, like I just literally asked you to hang out.

You silly. Like that's how I meant it. And I'm sure in my text it probably sounded more like, well, I just said this, blah, blah, blah. But in a healthy relationship we just asked, you know, for clarity. Or we go, oh shit, you did say that. Or Hey, like I'm having a rough time. I didn't tell you about it, but like, can you just say it nicer?

Like, all those are ways to ask. But I remember being like, why is he being so sensitive about this right now? Like, I literally asked him just to hang out. He ignored it. Now he's upset, upset with me and I didn't do anything and I wanna hang out, but like, I don't feel like I can win here. Like now I'm in a conversation about how I should have said something differently rather than the issue at hand, which is like that you wanted to hang out.

And then I called him to ask something like a little later. I kind of brushed it off. I was like, all right, maybe he's just having a bad day or whatever. And he got mad at me that I asked if he had a Tide pod, because how could I be so inconsiderate of how I spoke to him before? And I remember being like, what?

Like what did I do right? Like, what did I do? And I'm looking at the day, I'm looking at the day before, I'm looking at the communication throughout the day, I'm rereading all the text. And I convinced myself that I did something wrong and that like all of his reactions were actually justified when, like I still to this day, you know, years later, have literally no idea why he was upset other than the fact that like I, in his mind, did not prioritize him throughout the day, even though we had different things to do and take care of.

And so sometimes they come off this way, like they're more jealous then. You know before they're overreacting, but this continues to happen and then they'll deny that anything's wrong. Like the next day I was like, holy shit. Like yesterday I got in trouble for not asking him to hang out, but I did ask him to hang out and.

I didn't get to do my laundry because I couldn't go out to get the, you know, it's like I'm now on eggshells. I am standing on eggshells, and so I. I was also being accused of like not caring or not caring enough or not caring about their feelings. And it was really confusing and really disorienting. And if you've listened to my podcast about trauma bonding and how we can heal, this is actually where I feel like we get trauma bonded is in this phase.

The denial phase is because we're denying what we think actually happened, right? If I look back on this and I look, I asked him to hang out. He made it clear he, he ignored that. Then he got upset with me for now prioritizing time with him, but then created chaos around that because I did try and spend time with him, but then he found a way to make it that I wasn't, and then there was chaos created.

We didn't see each other. But then he was nice to me for like five minutes and I like sort of like leaned into, because at this point I overthinking everything. This is where we get trauma bonna, because we're starting to get into the, the pattern of intermittent reinforcement, which means that they're giving us just enough.

They're almost like, they're like breadcrumb us, but it's intermittent, so it's not on a schedule, and it's like, I'm gonna give you. Of bad, poor treatment, but I'm gonna throw in four. I love you. Or I'm going to say like, I appreciate everything you did to me, but here's all the things that you did wrong, and so you latch on.

Okay. He appreciates it. Oh crap, here we go again. Or it's like, okay, you know what? Yeah, you're right. I messed up. Let's hang out. But the next time this comes up, it's, you do this all the time. Right? And so we start to just like really latch on to those good texts, those good communications, those good interactions, those good, the, those breadcrumbs.

We are constantly met with being put down and we don't realize it because it's being sugarcoated and somebody with borderline is really good at sugarcoating it and making it seem like this is all you because all they want is that validation and that comes first. That becomes before everything else.

And when you bring it up to them, when you bring up that you're feeling this way or you're confused, or like in my case, I'm like, I'm confused. I actually it days later, I. Look, we got through Sunday. We had these things to do. I really put all my feelings aside and then I remember saying like, but I don't understand why I upset you so badly on Saturday and why, you know, that had to bleed into the whole weekend.

I wish we could have had some quality time together. That was my goal. And then it turns into, oh, so everything, the way you yesterday was.

And I'm glad that I had that time with you, but I felt like I was covering up whatever happened the day before, and I wanna discuss that. I wanna be able to be on the same page as you. It's important to me to be on the same page as you. And I'm actually really hurt because we lost all this time that we could have had, and I clearly upset you, and I don't know what I did.

I don't wanna do that again. I also feel. A reaction to it was so large. And in my example, this had happened so many times that this was a pattern and I was like, really getting upset by the pattern, you know? But it definitely turned into, well, now you're sabotaging another day. You know, not addressing it, deflecting it.

Now it's my problem, you know? And putting it back on what I could not do. And it was almost as if like, I was always put in a position where I needed to deny their unhealthy behaviors because. I would just hope that this was a phase and that it was gonna pass, but it continued to not pass and continued to be no repair.

And I continued to feel like this is not healthy and I dunno what I'm doing and I can't get to healthy because I can't have a conversation. Because when I have a conversation, it's blame shifted back onto me and what everything I could have done differently. But if only I can do things differently, then the other person is never looking at their behavior and how they might.

I had a false perspective that they didn't seek to clear up but instead double downed on. Whereas in a healthy relationship, if we are not seeing something clearly, we typically ask so that we can clear it up. And so because they're defensive, because they blame shift, it really does force us to continue to doubt our own mental health, which leads to phase four, which is devaluation.

When fighting is honestly like very, it's short.

These fights go in circles, so like they typically will feel like there's absolutely no solution at all, and they will blame you. They'll tell you that you don't take responsibility and they'll switch to victim mode, but then they'll also tell you that you're not the victim. So then you don't feel like you can even own your perspective, because if you do, then you're the victim and this is the cycle of abuse.

Right. And so if you haven't listened to that podcast, I recommend you listening to the podcast titled The Cycle of Abuse, because you can begin to see yourself in the cycle, and it goes around, and around and around, and they will devalue you as a part of their life or even as a person all together. And when this begins to happen, you are stunned because like this person continuously tells.

I'm, and I feel like I'm being blamed for things that I didn't do and borderline. This is called painting you black or splitting you black. It's like when they become so black and white and when you're in the black, you are in the black, you are bad. You are like, they are not seeing clearly. It is as if like a curtain fell over their eyes and all they see on the other end and you don't.

You likely didn't do anything that.

So wrapped up in their own dysregulation, their own need for validation, the inability to manage their own emotions, the inability to see what they're doing and like how unstable they actually feel that all of this is being projected onto you and you feel really discarded. You work even harder because you are trying and trying and trying to make this work.

And this is where you actually will notice that you're trauma bonded because you'll be like, okay, this is so unhealthy, but I can't leave. And you won't notice it in the, in the moment, but you might be Googling certain things. And what pops up is the cycle of abuse or the DV hotline. And you're like, what is this?

How is this? How is this possible? But this person so traumatized. Yeah, but now, but so are you. Most likely. We all have trauma. We all don't project all our unmet emotions on somebody else, and it might not be something that comes up and you say, okay, I see I'm trauma bonded, but you'll say. Something like this feels so unhealthy, but I don't feel like you, I can leave.

And this is usually when a client will come to me and say, I dunno how to leave because this is what happens. Or I try and leave and this is what happens. And it's usually met with this person being like very abusive, very overt, very like even saying like, I can't be with you, but then don't leave. It's like the eggshells are always there.

The disagreements are always there. The fighting is over there. There it, it is. It is really hard and what comes next is even harder because that's the division that is when they break up with you or they leave unannounced, and sometimes it's just like with them leaving your house or they are just not finishing conversations.

They are not, um, this is when you might be trying to leave as well, but they might go from being like a bully in moments and being like really putting you down to the point where you're like, fine, fine, I'll leave. Like, but we're done then. And then when you say that, they're like, but they promise every single thing that you've ever wanted and tell you that it's gonna be fine.

And then you go and do this thing. Okay, fine, fine, fine. Go with your, you know, I know you wanna go away with your friends. Go with your friends, I promise. You go and then they break up with you. But it's like that's when things start to get very, very, very unhealthy. They tend to ghost you. They will put you down and you will see the cycle begin to come in of like, I hate you, don't leave me, which is what has been named as the border biggest fears.

Eng and it's a constant war in the relationship. And when you get close, they move away. When you back off, they want you back. When you are done and you say, I'm done, I, I am at my breaking point. Then they say they can't live without you, or they promise everything that they said, and then there might be a lot of breakups, there might be a lot of breakthroughs, and sometimes the relationship might end here.

Or you get stuck in the other cycles forever of denial devaluation division, and you'll just go on and on and on in the cycle. And that definitely looks like the cycle of abuse because you're constantly, constantly, constantly fighting, resolving, fighting, resolving in love, and then it's fine and it's not fine, but it's usually happening like very fast and very often, and this is a lot of times when somebody comes to me and they say, I don't know what the hell is going on in my relationship.

I can't seem to break out of it, but none of this feels healthy and none of it makes sense. And I need it to make sense because if it makes sense then I can leave. But right now it doesn't make sense, you know? And I don't get it. And because so much blame is coming onto you, you have no choice but to blame yourself because you are an empathetic person.

You are listening to a podcast about not feeling crazy like this is you care. That's why you're here. You don't want this, but even like when you do good things, they will still get angry. And if you have been in toxic patterns in the past, you might be able to see it. You might be able to say, I'm done, goodbye this.

But if you haven't, or if this feels different because it dysregulation.

Uh, narcissistic relationships. You're likely in a cycle of self blame and you're gonna stay here and you're not gonna leave because you're not gonna, one, feel safe leaving because of what they may do or not do. And then also, you might not feel like you can leave without something really bad happening to them, but you most likely love them.

And you know their potential because you saw it, you saw it not that long ago. You saw it very clearly. You know, in the beginning you saw it during the love bombing honeymoon phase. You know it's in them. But what you don't know at this point is that it's, and if I told you that. While you were in it, you wouldn't believe me if I told you that during this phase, you wouldn't believe me because we usually don't see it until after when we really look back and say That wasn't real and it's the most painful thing to go through.

And I, I definitely need to do an episode about that, to talk about how painful it. To go through realizing that the mask was fake because it feels like a death. It feels like a death of reality, and it feels like a death of our own reality. But not only are they kind of like painting us black here and there's a division, there's a good and a bad, and we're always on the bad side, and they always view themselves on the good side.

But there's a division here too, between and within yourself that you're like, I anymore this is, and how to get out. The next step here is detachment, because usually at this point you realize that you don't wanna live this way or that you feel so crazy that you have reached out for support. You might have found a therapist, you might have found a coach, you might have found a podcast, you might be here right now and decided like, this isn't, this isn't.

You might even.

Are not healthy no matter what the other person says, because typically they do try and convince you that it's healthy. But a lot of us feel like we are totally losing ourselves and that we just find ways to navigate the day. The eggshells, we're not happy. Feel, and you might be addicted to the, you might be addicted, be breadcrumbs, and you might be getting through the day, but not, you don't see a way get, you might be trying to set boundaries.

You have kids with this person and feel even more stuck, you might feel even more hopeful that they will change. You might not be sure if you can leave yet because then you think that they might hurt themselves. You might think that if you do more right things, it might turn around and sometimes, um, what you've seen is.

Earlier stages, so.

Earlier stages and then work through this again and get to this point again, and every time it's gonna hurt even more. You've likely Googled the behaviors. You might have even gone to somebody that has named bpd. You may have even made the mistake of bringing up BPD to the other person. I did that and that went horribly.

I said, I just feel like you are so black and white. See anything in the middle, and I don't feel like there's any amount of validation I can give you. That's.

And honestly, rightfully so, like I should have known better at the time than to bring it up. But I felt safe enough in that moment. They had made me feel safe enough in that moment. We were having a very honest and vulnerable conversation where they're telling me they will do literally anything, but that meant literally anything except actually looking at themselves.

Which Red flag? Red flag. Red flag. And now the last phase is a bit of where it. This is the discard or the. It's either, it's usually happens when they discard you and they usually discard you without any notice, without any warning, without anything. Um, and it's one of the most disorienting experiences you'll ever experience because none of nothing will make sense.

A small thing will become a very big thing. Of the relationship on your shoulders to usually an tima won't agree to, and at the end it's the, it's not end. They, they're gone. They ghost. In most cases, they come back or they hoover back. However, a lot of resources will say the final discard is when you discard or.

Because they tend to always come back and put more weight on you, and you put that weight on you too to try and please them. You are probably so isolated at this point that you don't really feel like you have anybody to talk to. You may find yourself here. You may find yourself reaching out to someone like me or somebody that deals with these kind of.

Which is by, you know, you feel abused and manipulated, but you can't figure out why you feel that way, because they keep telling you that it's all your fault. And so a lot of the grief that you go through, and if you've read about the stages of grief, um, you probably will feel all of them at at once at times.

But this is usually when, when things are real bad. It can be really bad. It can feel like you're dying. This is when the addiction and the trauma bond is at its worst, and for many of us, we dunno what to do with that. We dunno how to engage with that. We don't know. We don't know how to feel like ourselves again.

And so, and that we ever will without this person because when we're discarded it's like, it's as if you had coffee every single day of. Your life. And then one day somebody show up and they're like, it's gone. Coffee's gone. You're never gonna feel this way again. Your body has to go through that release.

And that is a very, very, very, um, small way to describe what it feels like to unravel a trauma bond. I'm not doing it justice, but actually it feels more like, is that if you like. And you write with your right hand, and then somebody came over and they chopped off your right hand without warning, and now you're left with this bloody hand and like you somehow still need to like show up in the world, but your hand is bleeding out and like you, they also just like left and they're your emergency contact.

And so therefore you like really can't get to the hospital because like now they're gone and they blocked you, but your hand is bleeding out. That's what this feels like. And then they won't answer. But they'll, then they'll ask you like a ridiculous request, but all the blame is on you. And that is a, it's that all the blame is always on you.

It's you did, you said, it's how you showed up. Its you, you, you, it's not them. And they'll say, it's not me. I'm fine. Because just like with narcissism, a lot of these personality disorders are undiagnosed. You are simply looking at patterns of behavior to make sense of your reality. But they are most likely not owning up to it.

They are likely not admitting it. And so you're just in shock. And a lot of times they move directly onto a new partner very quickly, which means that they also come back, um, which is very difficult. It's very difficult for a lot of, a lot of people that. They don't know what to when that person tries, doesn't.

And the reason that it's difficult when they come back is because they are likely promising change or promising that they did change or will change and there's no change. So you are accepting a lot of patterns of behavior. You are hopeful. And then it might be good for a short time, but just like a narcissistic discard, it goes back and you know this.

And they're so, so, so, so much more that I could say. But with somebody with this personality type, unless they're get getting therapy and working through it, and the therapist and the person they both are treating borderline specifically, it's not going to get better because. They'll triangulate with the therapist because they'll tell their their version of reality to them.

And it's usually all based on if they get validation or not and not at all based on what is actually happening. You know, when you Google this, it says, you know, a lot of these people live in their own world and. Again, we can say all, all we want, that it's not their fault or that it's because they've been traumatized.

And I do have compassion that for people that have been traumatized, but I also have compassion for the people that are listening to this podcast and have gone through trauma and have also gone through these kinds of relationships and have found themselves feeling crazy and are developing severe PTSD anxiety depression as a result.

Somebody not treating their mental health condition. And so if you listen to this and you're like, I know I stand, I want you to know things. One, I will be talking about this more because. It's not talked about enough. And that's what I do here to talk about the things that people don't talk about.

Because if you think about it, if we only talk about narcissism, if we only label narcissists, if we look at those patterns of behavior, if that's the word, that's all over Instagram or not going and looking at some of the other cluster B disorders, and again, borderline and narcissism are in the same category of disorders.

Then why? Why are we not talking about it so that people can understand where they fall and break free? That doesn't make sense to me. Right? Maybe if we start talking about it, those who have BPD will get help. Those who are victims of a relationship with somebody who has untreated BPD and is being abused will get help.

Like we can't suffer in the dark. A lot of times it feels like they live in their own reality, which is another thing I wanna point out. And once you begin to accept you trying them because not gonna understand, they don't want understand. They only wanna understand when it actually validates them. And if you are feeling this way.

If you are feeling like when you challenge the reality that they're in, that they melt down or they create a new reality, you are not the crazy one. A lot of times I'll tell people, you need to begin to un gaslight yourself because you can go on and on and on for the rest of your days trying to understand this person when sometimes what we need to do is understand ourselves first.

And so, because this is so much information, I'm gonna stop there. I hope this was helpful. I imagine it's gonna be helpful and hurtful in some way once you look at the patterns, but I hope it was helpful. And if you have questions, you can always email me at Jessica at jessica coaching com. You can follow me on Instagram at Emotional Abuse Coach, and you can go to my emotional abuse.

You not, not. You deserve to feel like your reality is actually your reality.