Understanding the Mindset of an Abusive Person

Have you wondered how and why they think the way they do? In this episode, I discuss why abusive individuals struggle with self-reflection and accountability. Discover how their fear of being perceived as 'the monster' fuels defensiveness and control tactics.

Transcript

Welcome to the you're not crazy podcast. Hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others. And heal the relationship with yourself, so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content and coaching, add emotional abuse cook dot com.

Hello, and as always, thank you for being here. Today I wanna dive into a topic that has been coming up on coach a lot of the calls that I help with my clients, and it's understanding the mindset of an abusive person and why they struggled to look at themselves. There are a lot of ways that abusive of people refuse to take responsibility for their actions, even when they're clearly hurting the people that they claim to care out. And within this topic, I'm also going to touch on something that I know a lot of people are thinking about, and that's why can't you have a conversation about how you feel without them becoming defensive or dismissive. Let's first start by talking about why a abuser struggle with self reflection.

An abusive person often has a deep fear being perceived as a monster. So in other words, they are avoiding and running from shame at all costs. And this fear can be rooted in childhood experiences or just driven from a distorted view of themselves. For example, I knew someone whose entire life was driven by the fear of being seen as the monster. That they felt like when they were a child.

But as an adult, it was still driven by that fear, even though they were doing things that made them into a monster. They spent so much time trying to prove that they weren't that person anymore, hit their behavior was monstrous. They would do things that or react in ways that would be so outlandish for a particular situation, but all roads led back to, I don't wanna feel like a monster. So no matter what I'm gonna tell you that I'm not. And so here's the thing.

When that person crossed lines when they hurt me, couldn't even talk about it. The second I tried it to express that I felt they'd get defensive, not what they did, a claim that they didn't intend any harm. And if you've been here for a while or listen to other episodes you know this. I don't give a crap about what they intended, what mattered was the impact of their actions on me or on others, but to them, acknowledging that impact would have meant facing the fear of being that monster and actually having to do the work. And they just could not do that and would not do that.

The defensive that we see isn't about a fear being seen as bad, it's also about control. By denying or minimizing their actions that keep the power dynamic tilted in their favor. And abusers, intentions are always about power and control. If they can keep you in a cycle being confused and self doubt, which is the effects of gas lighting? You'll constantly just be second guessing yourself And you're much less likely to challenge them.

So why does this happen? What does the abuser actually expect from you? I'm sure you have felt this way before, but that they're looking for a certain kind of reaction from you. They want your sympathy in your patience, your belief in them that they're trying their best, even when the best is hurting you. Even when the best is not their best, even when you've seen them be their best, but they say they're doing their best.

They want you to see them as the victim of their own behavior to excuse the harm they cause because of they're supposed suffering. And they'll spend a narrative that makes you feel like you're being unreasonable if you push back, almost like you're not understanding their pain or their struggle to treat you better, and it's such a tricky cycle, because even if you start reading some things online about how to show up for somebody or how to handle partners outbreaks in a relationship, they'll be encouraged catered to their emotional needs and constantly reassure them, and find ways to manage their mood swings. But I often say that the feedback or the advice for, quote unquote healthy relationship does not work for an abusive of blood. Because it leaves you walk you on egg shells a afraid to speak up and disconnected from your own needs and feelings. Because...

And this is where it loops back to the monster complex is, if you take care of yourself in their eyes. You're seen as a monster because you're no longer accommodating or enabling their behavior. Now think about that for a second. The moment you prioritize your well be and you're labeled as a problem. So if you said boundaries, you're labeled as a problem.

If you choose to go out with your friend instead of care taking their emotions, you're seen as a problem. If you want to go do something on your own, even though you really don't want to, say it's going to a concert by yourself because you need that release and to be just around other people, but you know they're going to fight or they have been kind of amp things up all day. You're is the problem. You're seen as a problem when you start to listen to yourselves. And this twist logic serves to keep you in line.

This ensures that you continue to sacrifice your emotional health for the sake of keeping the peace. And so how do you break the cycle? It starts with recognizing what the patterns are and these tactics to keep you controlled and silenced. I know in a previous relationship for me, I would notice that when we had plans to do something, they would sabotage them, but then blame me. For saying that I could never show up to them, which wasn't the truth.

Now, I can't do that much. I'm a single parent. I cannot do as much as somebody that does not have a child can do for There are implications and also my own energy reserves, you know, if I stay focused on myself my work, my child, the relationship naturally comes. Third, and that's probably where it should be because that's what's healthy for me, regardless anytime that we would have booked plans so maybe this required money in my case required a babysitter. There would be an issue.

And I would notice it happened starting that morning. That morning, they would start amp things up, and it would be, like, these like little subtle things or would be constant. Reassurance of... I'm so happy. I'm so excited I'm so this.

I'm so that. And if I didn't respond to all of them, even if there was, like, 25 of them, and I'm not making up that number, I would be seen as not actually looking forward to it. When instead, the reality was, it was, committed to it, but I'm just getting through my day, whether that meant working, whether that meant. Getting a babysitter set up, whether that meant whatever it meant. You know, but you can start to look at these patterns.

There's other ones too that there would be these big emotional reactions of this person felt, like I was giving them feedback that they didn't want, which was any feedback that wasn't completely positive. And so it ended up making me be silent about it and to explore what that was doing to me in my own therapy and my own coaching. Rather than with the person. When you start to set these kinds of boundaries with yourself of look, they're not gonna hear me. You're not playing into their game But I would look at your relationship and see what those patterns are even if you can pull out 2 to 3.

Because that will help you set boundaries that even if they're not a boundary set with them, it will allow you to step back and say, my needs matter 2, and you're not going to tram over them. And it's really hard, especially when you're somebody who tends to be in a care taking space and that you have empathy, it could feel like you're not showing up for them, but I think you should ask yourself. Are they showing up for me or they only showing up for me when it works for them? An abusive person doesn't wanna face themselves because that would mean they're giving up all of the benefits that they have carved out in this relationship? They don't want you to see how well.

This system that they've set up works for them because you'd stop feeling sorry for them. You would stop holding them accountable. Accountability is the last thing that they want. It is not your job despite what they say to fix someone who refuses to see their own reflection. And it's not your responsibility to cushion them from consequences of their actions.

You deserve to be heard and respected and to have boundaries honored. Please, please don't let them convince you otherwise. And if you're in a situation where you feel trapped like someone else's behavior, There are resources and people out there who can help. I am someone that helps people work through this, but there's also a lot of others out there if you need to find somebody that really resonates with you, they're there. And I really encourage you to look for them.

As always, you can find me at emotional abuse coach on Instagram at emotional abuse coach dot com, and you can email me at jessica at jessica coaching dot com. And if you need anything, always take some time for yourself to look through the resources and try and find the thing that resonates most with you. This is a hard space to start looking at the patterns. And you do need support.