Welcome to the You're Not Crazy podcast, hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others, and heal the relationship with yourself so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content, and coaching at emotionalabusecoach.com. Hello and thank you so much for being here. Today I'm going to talk about borderline personality disorder and I think it's important that we start to talk about this more because just like narcissism, it's also in the DSM-V. It is part of the same cluster B. It does have a tremendous effect on relationships, especially when people are in denial that they have it and that they don't wanna seek treatment. This is one that can get better if managed. They can become more aware of it. They can become, you know, somebody that has language around it, but obviously that doesn't happen when people don't want to or they push it away or they're in denial or they see you as the pat-- the problem. So today, what I want to do is talk about how BPD affects romantic relationships. And now, before we dive in, as always, I am not a therapist. I am a coach. I have a whole bunch of certifications and, um, a lot of... On the cluster B, on how it affects people, on narcissistic abuse, there's a lot of certifications available to coaches that are also available to therapists, and I've enrolled in a bunch of them. So this isn't coming from a place of just guess and check. This is-- It's informed, but I think it's important to name, not a therapist, and I am a coach explaining how it comes up, the patterns I see, and how it presents in people. Because BPD can significantly impact relationships, which lead to a rollercoaster of emotions for both the person with BPD and the person in the relationship with somebody with BPD. And I've changed the names of these clients, but I wanna share a little bit about how it comes up for a client named Alex that I have. Like I said, name has been changed, but the story is relevant. And so in this dynamic, it's Sarah that has BPD, and I work with Alex. And initially, um, in the relationship, similar to a narcissistic relationship, Sarah viewed Alex as her perfect soulmate. Like, the honeymoon phase was pure euphoria, showered him with love and affection, love bombing. And when Alex got caught up at work, this is about three months in, missed their dinner date. He did communicate this to her in the way that I think we would want a partner to c-- to communicate it, and basically said, like, "I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you. I can try and leave early tomorrow." It just was like a-- one of those things that fell on him at the last minute. She felt deeply rejected and feared abandonment, and that led to a severe argument when Alex finally got home. It was an argument that went on all night. And he had started to recognize some of these patterns and had reached out to me that some things were off, but this was, like, the moment that he realized Something is just not normal here. Like, this is an over-the-top reaction for something that happens, and she also gets stuck at work at times, and I don't have this reaction. I don't feel like she's cheating on me. I feel like she's stuck at work And, uh, what I said to him was that what he's describing illustrates the typical idealization-devaluation dynamic in BPD relationships. Because at first everything is perfect, but any perceived slight trigger can trigger an emotional response, and the emotional response is intense. So I'm gonna break that down here. The idealization phase in BPD relationships is usually the, in the beginning stage of a relationship where Sarah, in this situation, placed Alex on a pedestal, and she views him as the most perfect partner, perhaps even as the person who's going to resc- rescue her from her emotional turmoil, like that deep, deep well of pain that she has. And during this phase, Alex might feel deeply loved, valued, seen, celebrated, and the attention and admiration that he received was unlike anything else he's ever experienced, and everything he does is seen through this lens of perfection. The relationship feels gratifying, but he does note that it feels a little over the top, like, "I'm not this perfect. Everything I do is not this way. I don't always look as attractive as she said, like when I wake up in the morning and my hair's all over the place." And I remember talking with him about this, and I was like, "I know when I was in your position, I was, like, showered all the time with affection, admiration, 'I miss you, I love you' a million times a day, to the point that it became so draining because I almost couldn't keep up with it," 'cause, like, the, the goalpost for how much admiration had to be given kept moving. But then events start to get triggering, and this shift from idealization to devaluation often starts with a deep trigger. So it's usually a perceived slight or disappointment that to the person with BPD, this feels catastrophic. And in this scenario with Alex and Sarah, the trigger is Alex missing the dinner date due to a work issue that came up. And while this might be a minor issue in many relationships, for Sarah, she treats it like a significant betrayal, that she doesn't matter, that she's not important, that her time isn't important. And I think it's important to note that, like, if this is a significant pattern, I can understand that, that feeling, but this is probably, you know, the first or second time that this happened ever, you know, in their relationship, and it was like a abnormal thing. But because individuals with BPD can have such a heightened sensitivity to rejection and abandonment stemming from deep-seated fears, they feel not loved and not valued, and that was the reaction. And I've been on the receiving end of this, and it actually feels like you're arguing with a child. Like, it feels... And that's not to downplay it. It's like they actually are probably in their child mind. Their inner child's running the show. It feels like you're arguing with a child, that- is hurt and mad and there's nothing you can say that will make it better. There's no amount of apology. There's no making it up. It's like you have to submit and die. This usually leads to the devaluation phase where once triggered, Sarah's perception of Alex shifts dramatically. And now she's almost looking for these incidents to finger point. And I'll be clear that it's usually this doesn't go both ways. But now he's no longer the perfect partner. Instead, he becomes uncaring or cruel in her view. Any slight goes right back into that bucket. Her emotional response is intense all the time. So if she feels hurt, angry, betrayed, it leads to a confrontation with Alex. And Alex, especially at the beginning, is apologetic, understanding, even when her emotions are over the top. But the intensity of her reaction is confusing and overwhelming for Alex, which led him to seek help. Because he sees these issues as minor, right? Him getting stuck at work or getting stuck in traffic or coming home 10 minutes late or his phone dying. They're not things that happen all the time and they're not big. It seems blown out of proportion and it is. And so what is going on here, right? Because you might feel this in your relationship that you kind of keep dealing with these big emotional reactions. And the term for BPD is called splitting. And this is a term that refers to the tendency when people see situations in black and white. And for Sarah Alex is either wholly good or wholly bad just based on the immediate emotional context and her trigger, good or bad. And it makes it really hard when somebody is splitting to maintain a stable, nuanced, accepting view of others, which is obviously very crucial for a healthy long-term relationship because when we lean into the lens of abuse here, this creates a dynamic of power and control. Sarah's always right, Alex is always wrong because her emotions can come up at any moment, and a lot of times the emotions can push away any issue, any feeling Alex has that doesn't come into context. If Alex comes home and doesn't feel like having sex that night because he's exhausted or he didn't sleep well the night before, he's stressed about work, or just frankly doesn't want to, triggers an emotional reaction. And I think that, and this is something I noticed in my relationship, was that people with BPD often experience these intense emotions that they cannot regulate. And so when we're dysregulated, when our emotional landscape is all over the place, we're not calm, we're not in our own ... You know, we're not standing on our own two feet. It's kind of like when a child gets dysregulated and all the feelings and emotions are all over the place. But as adults, it's our job to notice that within ourselves and regulate ourselves because when we're dysregulated, small disappointments can trigger disproportionately large emotional responses because they have a harder time soothing themselves and managing these emotional reactions. And I've seen this somewhere, I don't remember where, but it was in an article I read where it said something like, "People with BPD seek relationships that provide the unconditional love that they're yearning for," but the reality is, is that no relationship is perfect, and the normal ups and downs can be perceived as catastrophic by somebody with BPD, which leads to this emotional turmoil. You know, I'm using emotion a lot here, which is like crying, screaming, hysterics, but it can also be anger, and it can be stonewalling. I've seen it in a lot of different ways. The person with BPD is not able to see that the person in front of them is not triggering that larger emotional reaction, and if you explain this to them, they will not see that. They will just see that you're not wanting to understand them But a lot of times from the coach's chair where I sit, I can see that's what the abusive partner is pushing on the person, but they are unwilling and unable to see what the other side is thinking and feeling, and maybe also in this case, how much it's weighing-- it's wearing them down. It feels like you need to be perfect, but I don't. And I've seen this come up with other clients where if somebody is, you know, making some jokes or has some, like, underhanded comments here and there, maybe they're occasionally late, that it's seemed catastrophic still by somebody with BPD. They're not able to see that the person in front of them is not the cause. And it's confusing and it's exhausting because the goalpost keeps moving. And even as a coach in these situations, I can have trouble predicting what will come next. You know, this example, and I use this one specifically because it shows how BPD can lead to a pattern of love and hate due to the inability to integrate positive and negative feelings. Partners might feel like they are constantly walking on eggshells, uncertain of what will trigger the shift from affection to hostility. And honestly, sometimes you don't even know. I had this come up for me when I simply asked somebody if they had any stick glue in their house because my daughter needed it for a project, and that apparently was devaluing his feelings, which I didn't even know he was having in the moment. But even if he was, I don't know-- I didn't know what they were. That wasn't communicated to me, and it caused this giant thing about how can I just be asking about glue. And I still don't understand what that was. And I'm not-- I don't even care anymore at this point In managing this though, it does require communication and boundaries, and it's important for you, the person without BPD, to recognize that you can't understand the root of these emotional swings, but they do need support. And DBT behavioral therapy can be very helpful. It focuses on skills like emotional regulation and distress tolerance, which are essential for stabilizing some of these mood swings and improving the relationship as long as they're committed to it. But I always want to think about how can you help yourself. And so I do think that similar to narcissism, understanding the complexities of BPD is important and include learning about the symptoms such as emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, the idealization-devaluation cycle. It can help you depersonalize it if you understand what's going on, and I definitely recommend seeking support. There is a website online called Out of the Fog. I believe it's outofthefog.website. I will put it in the show notes. That will help you manage your own stress because if you have support, if you're reading other people's stories of loved ones of individuals with BPD, it can just be very helpful. You'll also need to set clear boundaries. Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but when you're dealing with somebody who can be abusive or is abusive, it's more important. Boundaries help protect your well-being and can reduce the unpredictability of these interactions. But you having them and not letting yourself go down four hours of conversations is, is helpful because that's how you keep your own sanity. I would also communicate using I statements. "I feel overwhelmed when discussions escalate this way. I'm feeling, like, really pushed down. I'm feeling like you don't see my feelings or that they don't matter." Speak from an I, not from a we or a you This is going to be hard. If you really love and care about this person and believe that they will eventually get help for themselves even if they're not ready right now, I just would say be prepared for difficult times. If they're not open to therapy, then you can, like, give some gentle encouragement. But it's important to recognize what your limits are. And if the relationship is becoming too detrimental to your own mental health, you're setting boundaries, you're setting more boundaries, the boundaries are being trampled despite your be- e- efforts, this might not be healthy for either of you. And the end is going to be very painful. It's... Or ending a relationship with somebody with BPD is super complicated, it's super emotional, and when it happened to me, I... The amount of pain I felt was stronger than any trauma bond that I had to break, and I absolutely will do an episode on that, I just have not yet. So for now, my recommendation is to learn more, to get some help. With commitment to therapy and communication, they can evolve. I do believe that they can evolve because you'll have language. You know, and once they hit therapy, I would recommend couples therapy. I don't recommend couples therapy without them getting individual therapy. But you have to remember that you may love them so much, but that this is a big part of them. And if this is a big part of them, it just may not be the relationship you can be in. So I really hope this was helpful. Like I said, I'm gonna do more on this. I'm working on a bunch of blogs for Substack that I'll also put in the show notes. As always, you can find me at emotionalabusecoach.com, on Instagram @emotionalabusecoach, and you can email me at jessica@jessikaknightcoaching.com
.png)
.jpg)