Insidious and Not-So-Insidious Control

Relationships with an abusive person often end not because of lost love, but due to a loss of control by one partner. This episode dives deep into the subtle tactics that can manipulate and dominate a relationship without you even realizing it.

Transcript

Welcome to the You're not crazy podcast hosted by Jessica, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others. And heal the relationship with yourself, so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content and coaching, add emotional abuse cook dot com. Hello, and as always, thank you so much for being here.

Today's topic is super loaded, and so coach Before I dive in, I wanna say a few things. 1, took me a long time to put this 1 together because there are so many aspects to it. And I think when a relationship ends with an abusive person or a narcissist, it's so hard to understand what actually happened and what went on. And so what I wanna explore today is the art of control in relationships. And when it's not about love, but power and what that looks like because when I talk to people there dissect what happened in a relationship and trying to come to terms with what happened where they are, a lot of times we don't see the control aspect.

And how everything was probably rooted in a sense of parent control. And so this episode is a bit longer than some of the others that is purposeful because I go through a lot of the insidious and not so insidious. Ways that they control, but I just think it's a really important topic and it's a place that a lot of us get stuck. And so before I dive in, as you know, if you've been here before, they're are a lot of resources that I have outside of 01:01 coaching. I do work 1 on 1 with people, space is limited.

But if you are interested you could always reach out to me or schedule a clarity call. My email is Jessica, jessica coaching dot com. Are And I have a variety of resources on my website as well. Emotional abuse coach dot com. If you click on courses.

I've been working on building out a lot of courses and a lot of things and a lot of resources. And so there's options if 1 on 1 coaching is not accessible to begin to understand your reality and what is going on. When a relationship ends, it's natural sit in the pain and reflect on what went wrong. That's probably where a lot of us get stuck. But sometimes, you start to realize that it wasn't about love or compatibility or even growing apart, but as you heal and as you take more time, you start to see all the places that they tried to control you.

And this epiphany can hit really hard, especially when you realize that the relationship didn't end because your partnered didn't love you. It ended because they couldn't control you anymore. And I have seen this happen time and time again, not just in my own experience, but in other stories too. People will bend and twist themselves into someone they think their partner wants, not out of love, but to maintain control. And when they can't hold on to that power, they'll make extreme moves to either get it back or rewrite the narrative as to why it's ending.

Aka blame you. And 1 of my past relationships, I initially thought it ended because we weren't compatible anymore. That's what he wanted me to see that was the narrative that I got. I didn't it didn't... I didn't buy it.

It didn't feel real, but after I was done twisting myself into a pretzel, trying to understand what the hell just happened at what I just went through. I started to realized that the end wasn't about me being un unblock or him wanting to move on, and it wasn't about this compatibility bullshit. It was that he couldn't control me anymore. The relationship had actually always been built on subtle and not so subtle dynamics of control. And when that control was lost on his end, the relationship fell apart.

I had a moment where I wondered that if I could have kept the relationship. If I had given in would I still have the relationship. If I had said, okay. You're right. All those things you just said were true.

I am showing up in this way. But here's the thing. Giving in what a men's signing up for life. I know I couldn't live. I'd had been there before, and I wasn't gonna go back to it even if it was painful, because I had been in the place before where somebody said if you do XYZI will stay with you.

And then I did XYZ, and then it was, like, actually no not that XYZ, this x y. And then I did that XYZ, and then Was like, but not that 1 either. In this situation, I'm being told show up the way that I want you to show up. Or I'm done. There'll be no second chances let me know looking back This is what I want.

And the truth was, I was like, so you can be abusive, and that's okay because you've decided that this is the reality, and he basically said you can't like you're not seeing it correctly. You don't perceive correctly actually with the the words. And so to me, as pain as it was to have a relationship sort of end out of nowhere. I wasn't gonna go back to an old pattern, and the price of keeping the piece quote unquote would have been giving up my autonomy and my freedom and my sense itself. And I think a lot of us get really stuck after a relationship trying to understand the subtle in not so subtle ways that work...

Controlled. And so I'm going to take some time and go through the ways in which I see this happen most often. This is what I see in my clients. This is what I see in friends that have been in this dynamic. This is coming from a well informed place The first 1 is gas lighting, it's a very common 1 that we see.

This is 1 of their go to tactics, and it's not subtle at all once you see the patterns in that previous relationship. My ex constantly tried to rewrite my reality and make me doubt my own reality, my perception and my thoughts. And so select, for example, he would accuse me gas lighting him what I tried to explain how his behavior was manipulative using eye statements. Like I feel this. I feel that, and this was just projection out of its finest because he would also say things like this is gas lighting, throwing a turn back at me even though I was describing his exact behavior using exact examples.

And when Abusive the people do that, it's attempt to make you doubt what your understanding is of what's happening. So if I say I feel like you're gas lighting me. And then I'm, like, because you said this, but this is what happened, and this was my reality, and then they say no, that's not it. And then I say something else they say, you're gas lighting. You're in a echo chamber of gas lighting now, and you have no idea what's going on because now every time you say your perspective, you're being accused of gas lighting.

But when somebody denies seeing things the way you describe and then reframe the situation as though you're mis reality, that's gas lighting 01:01. You're allowed to have a perspective and often, your perspective is based on facts. And then there's victim hood manipulation, which is number 2, a lot of times, an abuser will constantly paint themselves as the victim. As if they're the 1 suffering from your behavior. This makes you feel like you're in the wrong and puts you on the defensive.

Forcing you to comfort and reassure them instead of addressing your own needs. For example, after abusive of incidents that push you away or where you finally set a boundary, they'll say things like I feel invisible, I feel una appreciate it. When this happens over and over, especially without them appreciating you, they're trying to redirect the conversation away from how their behavior impacts you and make it about how they feel. As though their emotions are the only ones that matter. You may even wanna ask yourself how many times have I felt una appreciated and tried to express that?

How many times was that actually hurt? Did the person even care that I felt this way? With an ex you would constantly say you're not hearing me? Despite me literally trying to communicate with him in the moment. He would say something, I'd reply, he'd say you don't hear me.

What he was really saying was you're not responding the way I want you to respond. You're responding away different from the way that I want you to respond because you have a different perspective, and instead of acknowledging that you have that different perspective, I'm going to tell you that you don't hear me. Often this came from me trying to explain my perspective that he could hear if he wanted to, but that would mean he would have to take responsibility or see there's another way to see something or that I had a different perspective in the first place. Another big 1 number 3 is projection. An abuser will project their own abusive tactics onto you and honestly this is 1 of the most madden and hardest things to realize.

They've flipped the script and make you feel guilty for behaviors they are actually engaging in. This week, a client said she broke down and finally said you're gas lighting me, you are literally gas lighting me, and the abuser responds with, trust me. You gas light yourself. This not only made her feel crazy, but also downplayed her claim. Again.

The abuser is constantly the 1 manipulating the reality, but by accusing you of self gas lighting, they turn the table and make you question your own mind. A lot of times they'll also tell you that you're dismissing or blaming them when that's what they're doing to you the entire time. Which leads into number 4, deflect deflation and avoidance of accountability. An if user refuses take responsibility for their actions and continually deflect blame back onto you. Whenever you try to bring up an issue, they twisted to make you...

Feel like you're over acting misunderstanding and mis events. I can't tell you how many times I've heard I've made real changes and you're unwilling to see that. This puts the onus on me to recognize their supposed improvements, even though they actually haven't changed or it's only been 1 week of change. So therefore, I don't trust the change because I've seen 1 week of change before that has just gone back to the same cycle. God forbid, I wanna go 2 weeks of seeing a change before, like, I really lean in and acknowledge something.

But it's a way that they avoid responsibility and make you feel like you're unreasonable or that you're not acknowledging the work that's done. They've It's always that they're awesome. Their words are awesome. I mean they're actually a lot of times actually pretty great, but their actions are still trash. Number 5 is emotional withholding and punishment.

This is emotional manipulation 01:01. An abuser uses a threat of emotional withdrawal or punishment to keep you in line. Knowing that you'll be desperate to maintain that connection. An example is when they say something like, I'm done, this isn't going anywhere. When you call them out on their behavior instead of taking responsibility, they shut down the conversation, making you feel like you have to make things right.

A lot of times when they say something like this, It's not because the conversation has actually reached an end. It's not because you're talking in circles. It's because they are not able to change your perspective, so then they withdraw. And most likely, they're doing it so prematurely and, like, really when there's no final fidelity to the conversation that you're grasping at straws. Flame shifting is number 6.

An abuser blames you for how the relationship deteriorated even though their behavior is the root cause of the issues. This shifts the focus away from them and forces you to defend yourself. This is an example it's a real life example from my life. I was told if you don't want to break up then fight for it or change your behavior. This is when they put all them responsibility on me to save the relationship.

While completely ignoring how they were sa it through their toxic actions and further, especially if I'm I mean, let's just be real here. I'm me. Right Like, I do this work. So when somebody says somebody leads to me, like, if you don't wanna break up then fight for or change your behavior after a fight that started, over me calling out the toxic behavior and feeling like very emotionally manipulated. I'm not going to fight for it or also arbitrarily change my behavior, It's not what a relationship is to me?

A relationship is something that we work on together. And why would you want to save something if you were just put in the position where the relationship is on the line in the first place. If the relationship can so easily be put online. And then I'm being told to fight to save it, That feels so manipulative of like, okay. I'm doing them out.

Now fight to save it. It's like, if that's what you need to do to get validation from me. We're clearly not in an actual relationship. Blame shifting comes into and they'll say things like you are just unwilling to consider that you're wrong. This makes you second guess your feelings and positions them as a rational 1 who's being wrong and chips the blame back on to you.

So even there's no collective blame here. There's no like, we are at it in pas, it's you. And if you really... You were wrong, we'd have a different result. This goes hand in hand with validating your emotions every time you express how you feel.

They minimize or invalidate your emotions, making you feel like you're being unreasonable or dramatic. And this causes you to stop focusing on how you feel and rather, causes you to focus on how they feel about how you feel. An example is if they say something like, I feel you prefer to be a victim. This is a way of dismissing your legitimate grievances and turning the narrative into you being mel or overly sensitive. Euro is doing this.

That paints your reactions as repetitive and problematic, problem, rather than addressing why you're reacting in the first place because let's be clear. This usually comes up when you try and express your concerns. But there's always double standards, which is number 8, an a abuser will hold you to an unreasonable standard that doesn't apply to themselves. You're opposed to always cater to their emotions. But the second you ask for reciprocity, they act like you're asking for too much.

For example, when they say undone, they sometimes use that as emotional leverage, to get you to behave how they want. But if you were to say the same and say, I'm done. I'm don't conversation right now. You'd be called dramatic, I'm committed or worse than that. And actually, as I reflect when I did say that because I was done in a repetitive argument, it had been going on for an hour, I certainly was done, I framed it as I need space to breathe.

In which he almost always every single time replied with, like, well, if in text, he wrote it out, U g in person, and then told me I was inappropriate because it's inappropriate that I would need space to think. So really, he was demanding that I take responsibility for the emotional climate of the relationship but refuses to acknowledge how his actions were contributing to the toxicity. And a lot of times when he did take space, he would tell me later that it was intentional to spark a reaction out of me. And that was awful because I could sense it in the moment, I could sense that it was a test and I no longer engage in tests. If I feel like I'm being tested, I dis disengaged.

But I'm somebody at my core that needs space. I need space from everything. I need space from people. I need space, to do nothing. Like, at the end of the night, I take a lot of space in silence.

Like, I am just somebody who, like, really thrive on space. I actually believe my lung love language space. Like, I... That's me So to weapon it, even if I was collecting my thoughts at an appropriate time is really an appropriate. Number 9 is shaming and gil and this is huge.

An abuser uses guilt as a weapon to control your behavior. When you try to express your needs or boundaries, they will flip it around and make you feel guilty for even asking. Since this is a big 1, I actually pulled out a specific example from a previous relationship I was in. So in this example, we're in a disagreement, and he says, I'm not okay with how you approach this. And that's a line that was sets me after I reacted to their abuse.

I'm sure I said something, like, I do not understand what the fuck going on or, like, I probably was just prize. Like, as I reflect back, I feel like that was. Like I was just, like, what is happening? Because I was so surprised that whatever it was made it into a thing. And I don't think I actually engaged in this.

And so, like, this made me feel, like, setting boundaries was an attack on him in some way. Like me not engaging and, like, the ridiculous was somehow an attack on him, which then forced me to question myself and stand up for my needs so I got defensive, which led to him saying, probably within a few texts. I missed feeling like you actually like me. This came after a lot of tough days conversations, weeks, and the intent was to make me feel guilty. By making me feel guilty about not meeting his emotional needs.

And by not being able to like him, quote unquote, as a result of all the conflict that's going on, he's manipulating me into prioritizing prioritizing his needs over me, prioritizing my own well being. And to be blunt here instead of wondering, I was pulling away or why I didn't seem to like him just to use his words? He made it a problem that I felt that way in the first place and didn't get curious as to how he was possibly pushing me away or how the dynamic was pushing me away. You know really like, I was starting to see who you really wants. Number 10 is course of control through therapy.

Abusers will try and use the narrative by weapon therapy. They use it to validate their perspective while dismissing yours. They frame therapy as a place where their views should be prioritized, implying that your feelings are secondary or wrong, and this goes for individual well, in their individual therapy and couples therapy. If somebody says something to you like I spent 3 hours with my therapist going over the transcript. They are likely trying to use therapy as a Trump card to suggest that their perception is more valid than yours because they're supposedly doing the work.

And this is manipulative has been way to dismiss your feelings by suggesting that their analysis has been vetted by professionals, but you have to remember, they are the 1 sharing the information with the professionals. They are the 1 framing the context or not even telling the context or misread messages. Another way they do this is with couples therapy, they'll say I'll bring this up in therapy to discuss. This is a form of gas lighting. And sometimes it could be positive.

So I just wanna frame that. Sometimes it's okay fine. We'll talk about this will table as we'll talk about this with a third party. But in this case, it's gas lighting. It's a way that they can use therapy to change the narrative.

It's just another place where you can feel invalidate. It basically says, like, I'm not getting you to see what I want you to see here, so I'm gonna use therapy to make you get it because I'm right. And these tactics are so deeply manipulative and designed to keep you emotionally destabilize. Because all we do is create confusion and doubt and self blame, allowing them to sidestep step any responsibility. If we look at the...

I spent 3 hours with 2 therapists going over the transcript. Okay? So say that's true. They spend 3 hours with their therapist going over the transcript of a text argument. Fair.

K? That's a fact. What if I also spent 3 hours going over the transcript with my therapist. That wasn't invalid to him. Wasn't invalid at all.

Right? What if my therapist had actually been saying for months that this is abusive and this is getting too far. But because he spent time going over with his therapist, mine is wrong because his is right. And that's the manipulation. If this person actually wanted to hear me.

It would be... I got clarity through speaking to my therapist. I'm sure you spoke to yours too. Maybe we can get an extra session with our therapist and discuss each perspective, and I would really want our therapist to. Hold that space for us to talk about our experience.

Like, that's what a healthy person wanna do with the deep argument, not I have validation. Here are all the facts time to shut you down. These are some of the ways that this happens, and I could sit here for days talking through the signs, and the extreme that they will go to is actually pretty insane. These dynamics aren't unique because I see it happen again and again. And when someone realized they can no longer control their partner, they really do go to extremes after a breakup.

They'll move to a new city. They dive head first into a new community. They make massive massive lifestyle changes that don't even seem authentic. In my situation, my partner didn't drink when we were together, and he would say it's a choice because he didn't like who he was when he drank. And as someone who values a healthy lifestyle supported that decision.

It felt aligned with my own values, and I thought, great. We're on the same page. Now looking back, I can't help but feel like it was part of the control. I suspect he started drinking before a relationship officially ended anyway, but it's not only that he recreated his entire personality since then. But It's like he was mirroring my healthy habits to keep me around to keep the relationship intact, but that's not who he truly was.

If there's 1 thing you get out of this today, I want you to take away. That when somebody can't control you anymore, they often find the need to regain a sense of control in their own life. And that's when you see these dramatic changes happen. It's not just about moving on. It's about rewriting the story to make it look like they're fine without you.

I'm happy now they'll say, This is I've always been, but deep down it's a form of over compensation. It's about controlling the narrative because they couldn't control you. Most often they're leaving you without any closure. Whatsoever. These extreme shifts are rarely about genuine self improvement or growth.

Instead, it's a reaction to losing control over the relationship. They couldn't mold you into what they wanted, so they changed their entire life to prove mostly to themselves, but they're still in control. But it's hollow. It's more about making sure they don't feel like they've lost rather than really making a true transformation. It is really easy to get trapped in these kinds of relationships without even realizing it.

When you're in it, you might convince yourself that they're changing for you, that they're doing this to be a better partner, but once you're out, you can see if for what it really was. An attempt to control, not just the relationship, but you, And when they realize that tactic isn't working anymore, they tend to scramble. They start making these big bold moves to regain power because they've lost the power over you, and it's a control strategy, not a coping strategy. There's a big difference between when somebody makes real intentional changes and someone that's trying to take back control after relationship ends. It's really hard to break free from your mind when this is going on.

And the realization that someone couldn't control you anymore can be empowering and heartbreaking. And it's so hard to sit with the fact that the person you loved is likely more invested in controlling you than building a life together. But breaking for you from that dynamic is the only way to live a life, that's authentically yours. It is not easy. Sometimes we think that if we had just given a little more, bent a little more, we could have saved the relationship.

But the cost of saving that relationship is losing yourself. And no relationship is worth that. I promise you. If you have a child or even if you have a best friend think about, would you want your best friend to bend a little bit to save a relationship? Where she's or he's already feeling beaten down.

They're already losing parts of themselves. And now they're being asked to bend more. That's just for today what happens tomorrow. When somebody can't control you anymore, their actions will show you exactly what they were really after. And if you ever find yourself wondering whether you made the right choice in walking away.

And remember you didn't want to walk away from love. You walked away from control. That's always the right choice. I know that this episode is very full. You also know how hard it is to see the truth when you're still in it.

It's really hard to see the truth on what's going on while you're stuck in the cycle of the relationship, and you just have to really own where you are. It's important that you own where you are. And it's only after you reclaim your own sense of salt that you can look back and see it for what it was. And when you do it can feel really powerful, but it also does feel like, like, a lot of grief. A lot of sadness comes with realizing it.

I hope that this was helpful. If you need support, you can always reach out to me at jessica at jessica coaching dot com. You can email me at emotional abuse coach dot com. You can follow me on Instagram at emotional abuse coach. And you can find me at subs stack under jessica night coaching.

Thank you for being here.