Is it love or is it control?

Is it love or is it control? Often disguised as love, these relationships operate under a foundation of control. In this episode, I explore the myths surrounding relationship breakdowns, moving beyond the usual assumptions of “incompatibility” or “lost affection” to reveal a darker truth: for many narcissistic abusers, love was never the endgame—control was. By understanding this crucial distinction, listeners will be guided to reassess their past experiences, recognize the signs of toxic dynamics, and move forward with clarity, resilience, and the freedom to rebuild their lives on their terms.

Transcript

Welcome to the You're not crazy podcast. Hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others. And heal the relationship with yourself, so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content and coaching at emotional abuse coach dot com.

Thank you for being here. Today, I'm gonna dive into a topic that most people will think about when they think about cognitive dissonance that do believing 2 thoughts at the same time. But the way that I wanna focus on this particular topic today, which will be before recall is another way to look at why we start recalling some of those past memories or those memories of this person with the romanticized focus idea of them even though they weren't exactly the best person to be with or an abusive person to be with, especially when we're healing our brain can go through all these different roller of coaster rides. And so if you feel like your mind just keeps playing a highlight real of all the good times, and, like they were the love of your life, but in reality, they caused you this serious pain, serious heartache. You might be experiencing something that is called before recall.

And so why do we do this? Why do we remember the good times after an abusive relationship. And conveniently forget the bad, especially when we're trying to heal and separate ourselves from somebody who was abusive to us. Let's start explaining what Before recall actually is. Before recall is the tendency to focus on the positive memories of the past relationship while gloss over or outright forgetting the negative experiences.

It can feel like your brain just becomes a... Like a movie rail of just the positive that happened. You know you see yourself from the first kiss and you remember how it felt, you know the first time that, like, you cuddle and what the sex felt like and, how safe you felt in those moments and laughing together, maybe laughing on, like, you've never really laughed with somebody before going out to eat with them, things like that. Your brain will start to fix it on this movie reel of the best of the best that probably is also romanticized on top of it, and it outright forgets the negative experiences in those moments. And those positive moments can feel so much bigger and until much stronger than some of the negative and some of the more real moments that happen that were abusive.

It's almost as if your brain, feels like it's, like this movie editor to it, and it cuts out all the scenes that your partner was controlling manipulative and hurtful and only showing you loving funny supportive moments. And this mental filter can be really powerful. 1 of the many reasons by leaving an abusive relationship or staying out of 1 can feel so difficult because it clouds our judgment and keeps us from seeing the relationship from what it really was. And so you might be wondering why this even happens in the first place. And there are a lot of reasons of course, but 1 of them has to do with just our brain chemistry.

And I'm not a scientist, not a psychiatrist. I am not a psychologist, but I explain this in the way that I know it and the way that it was has been explained to me in the way in which I've explored it, and it's that when we're in love, or even when we're attached to somebody, especially in toxic abusive situations, our brains release these chemicals called dopamine and oxytocin. These are the feel good chemicals, And these chemicals are really powerful. They're the same ones that make you feel happy and bonded to someone. And when a relationship ends your brain can crave those highs often.

So instead of focusing on the times when the relationship is bad. Your brain holds on to the moments that triggered those chemical releases. And when we are in relationship, like an abusive 1 that has intermittent reinforcement. So you're getting those positive, jolt in in not on a schedule, but on and off at various times without really any rhyme reason to them, which is, you know, how a trauma bond gets formed, then what can happen is that our brain will hold on to those moments that trigger those chemical releases in the moment when things felt good or even if those moments were fleeting, that's what we stick to. It's also a survival mechanism.

Our brains are wired for self preservation, and sometimes focusing on the good helps us cope with the really painful reality of the bad emotions or the bad times quote unquote. Before our recall makes us feel like we stayed in a relationship for a reason that we weren't wrong for loving them, it helps us make sense of a chaotic painful situation even if it's just an illusion to us. And, of course, there denial is a foreign recall can be a form of denial for us. A defense mechanism to minimize the abuse or convince ourselves that it wasn't that bad, which when we're trauma bonded, does these 2 things go hand in hand? Right?

We want to see that there was something better there, and we're remembering those memories, but it's pulling us away from the truth of what's actually here because that would mean we really would have to face it and do something about it. And for a lot of us that can be very painful. Nobody wants to confront that head on. Right? Like, especially at the beginning, like, no one's, like, you know what?

I'm trauma bonded, but let's face it. A lot of us have to get ourselves there in a way. Because a lot of us too, we are afraid of being alone. Right? We are afraid of the lonely feelings that come.

You know, I say all the time I really feel like after a relationship like this or after any toxic relationship, we really need to make the choice to be alone to work on ourselves to kind of put humpty dumpty back together again because when we just continue to jump to jump into things, we're not actually healing. We're not healing the parts of us that put us in the emotionally abusive or abusive relationship at all in the first place. And so when eu for call kicks in, especially when we're feeling lonely, you may start to question your decision. Right? That's when you reach out.

That's when you respond to their text. That's when you've put yourself right back in the cycle of abuse without even realizing it. Because you're focusing on and your partner made you laugh for the rare moments that showed you affection. And these memories can really serve as a way for your brain to justify going back to somebody who's not good for you. And so 1 way to begin to see this, especially when you're having these memories is to start to tell yourself that that's a trap.

Before recall is a trap. K? When your brain is there. It's the same thing of, like, if you tell yourself your romantic romanticized a thought, it is a trap. It can keep you in the cycle of returning to an abusive relationship.

Or keep you stuck in patterns of entering unhealthy dynamics. Because when your brain is just focus on the good it forgets the reasons why you left in the first place. And then it becomes really hard because then you're like, am I just sitting down writing out every negative thing that's ever happened? Like, with this person, that's not what we want right now. Right?

Like, what we want is to begin to just put on, like, okay. My brain is going there. I'm trapped right now. I'm stuck. This is why people man romanticized toxic relationships because they're not able to remember the full picture when this is going on.

And so you're probably listening to this and you're like, okay. Well, that's happening all the time. So how do I break free? Of this and get clarity on my relationship. Let's dive into that.

And so to be clear, before I get into that, I just wanna be upfront, this is what brings a lot of people into coaching, I start to realize, I'm not seeing this clearly. This is actually a great thing than a validation call before because it could help to separate the reality versus what actually is happening and how your brain is seeing it versus, like, what you're telling yourself and then begin to step forward in the truth of what is actually happening to you and in your own head and in reality. And so that is actually step 1 acknowledging the reality. It's recognizing that you for recall is a natural response and it's not the whole truth. You can write down the actual things that have happened to make a list of the times that your partner has hurt you be little you or made you feel small, It can be a reminder of why the relationship wasn't healthy.

Even when those happy memories start to creep in, you'll have another voice that says I'm going to stick towards reality. Another thing you can do is really reflect on the relationship. Really? In I mean, this kind of goes hand in hand with the first 1, but asking yourself, like, what patterns did you notice. If you go and listen to my episode on the cycle of abuse to 1 of the earlier ones, so you'll have to scroll back a bit, but There are periods of come that will be followed by tension rising.

And if you start to understand what causes those tensions to rise. What caused that to be? Did calm actually ever feel like comp? That can really help in journal can be a really useful tool to process what that looked like. Obviously, I've said this before and the step get support to help you work through this.

Because you work through this, you're facing reality, you're facing the feelings and you're gonna be in feelings that are very uncomfortable. So giving yourself the time in the space to go through that is helpful, and it can be helpful to have the support. And when these positive memories happen and this is step for, balance out the memories. This doesn't mean, tell yourself everything that you think is wrong, you know, and trouble all your feelings down. What this means is, remind yourself of a time that reflects the unhealthy aspects of the relationship.

Now it doesn't mean you have to raise all the good times to memory completely, but it's just important to keep them in context. Because at the end of the day it's important to remember. That healing takes time, and it is completely normal to have all these mixed feelings about the past, especially when the relationship was a mix of good and bad. This is a place where you really need to be gentle with yourself and calm and understand that you're gonna have good days. You're gonna have bad days you're gonna have medium days, you're gonna have days that you just wanna like, rip you're bringing out of your head.

But if you just kinda keep showing up for yourself, and trying to compartment elias some of this, so it's not taking over your entire day. You'll be able to continue to move forward. I hope that this is helpful and gave you another tool in the toolbox of something to think about when you find yourself in some of these thoughts. I know for me, it was helpful just to have more words to explain my experience. And so if you are needing support as always, you can reach out to me at emotional abuse coach on Instagram at emotional abuse coach dot com and you can email me at jessica jessica night coaching dot com.

You could also follow me on subs. I've been writing a lot there. Over the summer, I posted a blog a day, so there's actually a lot of content up there, and For a subs, you just search desk night coaching, and I hope to talk to you soon.