Why Am I Stuck?

"Why am I stuck?" In this episode, I unpack the layers of trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, gaslighting, and self-blame that keep survivors tethered to their abusers long after the relationship ends.

I share insights from my own healing journey, including the emotional grip of intermittent reinforcement and the manipulation of vulnerability. 

If you've ever found yourself struggling to reconcile conflicting emotions or doubting your experiences, this episode is for you.

Transcript

Welcome to the You're not crazy podcast hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others. And heal the relationship with yourself, so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content and coaching at emotional abuse coach dot com. Hello.

And as always, thank you so much for being here. If you're new to this podcast, I just want to thank you for finding me the most popular episode that I have is trauma blending and how we can heal, which is, like my third or fourth episode ever. So I invite you to go and scroll and find it. If you are stuck, and that's the reason that you pick this particular episode, But if you are still trying to figure out, like, what am I doing is the abuse, what is that going on? I really invite you to go to my website and look at the emotional abuse breakthrough course.

That's the course to do if you're confused on. What's going on and what you need to do. Today, I wanna talk about the topic that's in the title about why am I stuck? Because I think this is something that a lot of us base and whether or not we're ready to admit it, we feel trapped a lot of the time even and especially after the relationship has ended. Usually, we think the relationship ends and now we can heal.

Now we can move on and people usually have lost their patience for us. So therefore, there's not many people being kind or understanding, you know, they kind of there they're, like, oh, you're out now. Yeah. You're out now, but that doesn't mean that your trauma bond is done. And so I want it.

Talk about this because I think that I know in my healing, and I'm sharing many others. This was a place where I definitely felt like, I was getting the most judgmental with myself, and it was a question that I just found myself asking my myself over and over. Why am I here? Why despite recognizing the manipulation despite seeing the ways he had control of me, do I feel traps? Like, I'm just, like sinking in quick sand over here?

And I think part of the answer lies in understanding that knowing something logically, knowing something in our brains, looking at a pattern of behavior and seeing it clearly. Doesn't mean it's easy to let go emotionally. This isn't just about seeing the truth of who they are. If we wanted to just do that then We could have done that, you know, months or years ago. Right?

But there's was so many other facets and so many other pieces of the puzzle going on. They weren't a use of all time, and there's such a deeper emotional grip. That is really powerful, and it's binding, and it forms over time. And in my story, I feel like it attached me to somebody that caused real harm, and I could see it, but I still felt attached So even though there was no contact even though there was no conversation even though there was in some cases not even seeing him, even in passing, to really judge myself for even Pig god at all. And when I asked myself what is keeping me here, I think it was the glimpse of vulnerability.

I saw on him even after the relationship for so long I believed that that vulnerable side was the real him. There's action like a very strong part of him that I can see very clearly and over time it's begin to separate, but like, that part, the part I love, the part that I love even today doesn't exist. Actually the part that shows up in the world and shows up showed up at the end of the relationship showed up in the last 6 months of the relationship showed up shows up now. If I run Into him. I hate that person.

That person's all awful. That person I wouldn't want near me. That person would be the kind of person that if I met or, like, at a bar or something, I would find annoying and repulsive. But that's not the person that I got at the beginning. It's not the person I got in the middle and it's not the person.

That is at this person's core, but it's like, it's almost a if, like, if I was to, like, return the good side back to sender something he would refuse like the packages. You know, he doesn't want that side. But that side to me was beautiful, and that's what kept me stuck for a long time. And it also kept me stuck that I started to see that, like, I didn't understand who this person was that I was seeing every day. And where he came from, and why he's here, but that they're all him, You know?

And that's the hard truth is that all of these pieces are that person. They're choosing the manipulate version, whether or not they admit it. And I think that for me, for so long it kept me waiting that that version of him would come back or, like, that, you know, he would... I don't know, get a brain transplant and come back or he would have, like, you know, that stroke of, like, a holy shit with the fuck am I doing and come back and be, like, I'm so sorry hear all things I messed up, but, like, as time went on, and I started to realize that he didn't want to see that side of him. But I was very trapped on why who what all of it?

And I think the truth that I avoided in this, and I see it. I'll see it with a lot of my clients is that even that softer side of him, the kindness of vulnerability, the artistic side, that was all part of the manipulation too, and that's hard because it's the very thing that kept me there, and it was there when things got complicated. You know, when you are on our 10 of a fight and at the end, they are that person again, and they're apologizing and they're vulnerable. You believe it's there? You know?

So why why do we get stuck or why are we still stuck when you know that you should walk away? And I'm thinking that if we go through some of these together, it might be easier for you to process? The first reason that I touched on this already is the trauma bond. It's the emotional tie up forms when there's intermittent reinforcement mixed with... I guess up the simple sense is positive and negative behaviors, but it's also, like, manipulation lease with tender ness too.

You know, it's... We get that part sometimes. We get that part every once in a while, we see who they really are. They are a good person sometimes without any, you know, pre notions, but a lot of the times, especially as early relationship progresses, we're not getting that a lot. We're getting it just enough, and it becomes part of the manipulation.

It's almost like that reminder of, like, he's still in there. He's not acting at integrity, though. And In my case, I've started to actually call him mister Ga, which I'll talk about on another episode, but for the sake of this episode, this particular person that had a lot of emotional coercion and manipulation, he knew exactly went to use that softer side, and I really wanted to believe that that was real. And I still wanna believe it's real, but it wasn't real because it was chosen there are many, many, many times you could have used that softer side, or I thought the situation would have prompted that softer side, mostly post separation and I got the opposite. That softer side would come out just when I was ready to leave the relationship.

He blood down all guard, all control, all manipulation showed a glimpse of the person that I knew he could be. And every time it was just enough that really kept me hoping maybe this time he he'll change. You know, But like I said, now I kinda see it differently. That roller coaster taught me that my brain can be convinced and that I can hold on to those leading moments of kindness, and let the ross and give the benefit of the doubt, which for somebody who cuts a lot of people off me. I'm glad that that's in there, but it's also scary because giving the benefit of the doubt all the time or giving another chance hope bang or being that person, it needs to have a limit, and then it needs to stop when there's manipulation and abuse taking place.

Because when we're in the cycle, those tiny acts of kindness, goodness, they become lifeline and bang I know a lot of us cling to them, like they're the only source of air. And looking back, it's very clear. This wasn't based in love. It was based on a toxic pattern of hope and hurt over and over again. Another reason that I feel like we get stuck as self blame.

In my story somewhere along the way. I started believing that maybe this was my fault. That if I was just better. It wouldn't keep happening if I loved more. If my life wasn't complicated if I wasn't dealing with an injury.

If I didn't work for myself. I could come up with a million different things, but they all lead back to if I was not myself, then maybe this would have been better. But then it's like, well, but he wanted me for myself initially. But now this self doesn't... Myself isn't enough.

Because myself has all these things according to him, but, like, we can't look at his side, we can only look at my side, but when we be manipulated, all we do is look at ourselves in blame. We're not allowed to have needs. And it's so easy to internalize shame in a situation like this, especially when you're constantly told that your reactions are too much or that you're the problem despite the chaos that they're creating. And it's hard to see this clearly when the person that you're with is making you feel at fault because when you then reflect back or talk to a coach or talk to a therapist to talk to our friend and say, you're not wrong. That's a completely reasonable response to what you're explaining but then you go back to them, and they're doubling down on you.

It can be really hard. It keeps you t, always striving to prove yourself to be worthy of kindness that should have never had to be conditional ever. Another thing that keeps us stuck as cognitive dissonance, and you probably heard a lot of people on this podcast, talk about it. And when 2 opposing beliefs create tension in our minds that feels impossible to resolve. On 1 hand, You know they're manipulative.

You've seen them twist your words and gas let you and use your emotions to suit their needs, but then you've also seen moments where they seem vulnerable, human, authentic. In reconciling those 2 versions is exhausting. And so that also led me and I'm sure it leads you to wonder are you over reacting? Is it possible that he really could change if I just hold on a little longer, says he wants to change, but this confusion is part of what keeps you stuck and it's almost meant to keep you stuck. Because they're not going to change.

Those vulnerable moments, they're not signs of growth, they're part of the game that keeps you hooked because they need to show just enough of that side before they go back to their regular manipulative and controlling self. Because another side of this is that 1 of the most destructive tools in the tool belt is gas lighting, and gas lighting is not just a word that we hear on Instagram, it is a tactic of making somebody question their own reality and their memory and their sanity. And when you express your heart in your needs only to be told that they are over reacting or imagining things. That's them literally rewriting history to make you doubt your own experiences. Every time you try and stand up for yourself, they turn it around.

They make you question if you're the problem. And that constant questioning of your reality of your emotions, erode self trust. It made me personally feel dependent on him to validate my experiences is being valid, and that dependency, that's literally how gas lighting works. It keeps you in the dark of your own reality, always questioning yourself, which keeps you from seeing the truth of what's actually really happening. And for a lot of us, this ties in with some other major topics like financial and social and ent, You know, I have never really been in the place where somebody was financially controlling me, but I talked to so many people that are really afraid to talk about this because it often goes unspoken.

That... And there's practical barriers here. You have all the same friends, Of course, it's going to be really hard to get over somebody. It's not just leaving the emotional hold. It's about finding a way to survive independently.

With separate friends, separate finances, separate ideas, and new ideas. And a lot of times, that person wants to be your only source of support. So when you leave and, like, the ether of what is this space of being trapped and stuck on something. It almost feels impossible to reach out for help because they create a dependency by keeping you isolated. They control finances, you know, They diminish your confidence got alone.

They make you feel bad about who you are. They're not accidental. They are strategic. I, it is no joke that, you know, the... That mister Ga would create all...

Like, this chaos before an event. It was almost as if he, like, didn't actually ever wanna go. He just didn't want me to have a night free, which is very rare as it is. For a long time, they can make you feel like there's no way out. That if you were to leave, you'd be completely alone or couldn't stand on your own 2 feet, and that is part of the problem.

And if you think about it, like, why would anybody that's claims to love me want me to feel that without them, I, I have nothing. They really love me? Is that really love? And so when we're stuck on that vulnerability when we're stuck on that side of them, it's really kind getting in touch with who is actually this person. Because vulnerability isn't just a pure expression of their self.

For a manipulative person, it's a tool, and it's a way to keep you stuck. Whenever I was close to walking away, for mister Ga, he become softer, more open, and let me in just enough to make me stay. Promise the exact thing that I was asking for that never was fault but he never felt through on it. And when we have to accept that their vulnerability is part of the manipulation, it cuts really deep because it means that the side that he thought was real was just another means of control. But when we are holding on hope that they'll...

They will change. You build up a story where 1 day, they'll finally take accountability. Apologize. I'll be together in this new version, but that's where hope is dangerous because in a healthy relationship, hope is a motivator. It drives us to stay, and in a toxic relationship, that same hope keeps up stuck.

Right? It keeps us waiting for a future that is never going to happen because he doesn't value growth. They don't value growth. People who care about others who generally value relationships are willing to change and grow, especially if they're hurting somebody. If somebody came up to me that I really loved and cared about and said, you are doing this this and this, and it's really hurting me.

I might not agree with them. I'm not gonna go and say, yeah, Widely agree with everybody's assessment, but what I will say is I would really seriously think about that. When my daughter gives me feedback, and she's 7 on mommy, I didn't like that you did that dang. I listen because I care, and I love her, and I don't ever want her, to feel that way. When I give her feedback, it's the same as talking to a wall sometimes, but, like, I love her.

When my brothers give me feedback, I listen. You know, when he would give me feedback, I'd listen. I change. I try It was never enough. They don't want to be better for the people they love.

They care about control and facing themselves taking accountability are not things that they're interested in. And so you're stuck because you're waiting for them to become someone that they're not. Someone who cares enough to change. You are stuck because you've been waiting them to become someone that they are not. So if we go back to where we started with that question, Why am I stock?

You're stuck because of the trauma bond that connects hope and hurt. You're stuck because your brain can't reconcile, the 2 or 3 faces that they show you. You're stuck because their vulnerability wasn't about change. It was about keeping you close. And you're stuck because you held on to hope that they'll become someone that they never even ever wanted to be.

But the process of breaking free really starts by reclaiming who you are and what's important to you. When you learn to begin to listen to your instincts. Again, step by step, listening to the voice inside, finding small moments in the data to feel proud of, building confidence in your own reality in your own perceptions, learning that love is not manipulation, seeing the tender ness as a tactic, and really seeing that a lot of this is not your fault. I think for me what I'm blamed and blamed and blamed and blamed. I do think about it, and I do wonder, and I do analyze, and I do talk to my therapist so my coach and I try and sort through the weeds, but sometimes we're stuck, and it's not about more analysis.

It's really about beginning to take all the stuck energy that we're putting into their behaviors and putting it into how am I feeling and why am I feeling this way? Because when you are able to let go that hope that that person is gonna come back that good side, you can start to pull yourself out of the quick sand. And I'll end with this, 1 of the things that help me personally. And the the I I don't wanna simplify this because a lot went into this a lot of time a lot of crying, a lot of over analyzing a lot of rum, a lot of anger, a lot of a lot of things, a lot of processing, a lot of struggling, a lot of therapy, a lot of coaching, Think 9 months of coaching, actually. Eventually, I started to un it and I realized that the person I love, I can feel him even sometimes like, I I know what he looks like.

There's an authenticity see to him that the person that I saw at the end of the relationship, the person I saw more than 50 percent of the relationship and the person I definitely see when I run into him now is not that person. And I don't love the new person. And that little bit of space between that and seeing, okay. This is all of him. It really helped me begin to just say, okay, but I don't want that.

And there it's just not the same anymore. Like I said, a lot of tears a lot of overthinking, a lot of... I mean, sometimes when I talk about this stuff, I worry that I make it sound too simple sometimes. Because it's not. And I talk about topics that I have experienced, I've talked about topics that come up with my clients.

I talk about the things that are the words that I keep hearing from clients a lot of the time because that's where a lot of us are, and it might sound like, weird to say something like, well there's these 2 parts and that 1 doesn't exist, but it is the truth in my head. And at the end of the day, we really just need to find what's true for us because that's that's that's owning our reality again. I hope that this was helpful. I hope you feel validated. I hope there's something that's sticking with you.

If you need support, I offer the 1 on 1 validation call, which is just a 1 off. You don't need a coaching commitment, but we just dive into where you are. I send you a series of questions before to get going. My calendar is a bit booked up because my daughter's birthday is in November, and then, of course, like, holidays and stuff are coming up. But if you can't find a time, you can always email me.

Jessica at jessica at coaching dot com. I mentioned a few courses that are on my website, emotional abuse coach dot com. And if you are looking for more long term work with me, you can schedule a clarity call on my website. Emotional abuse coach dot com. Like I said, I hope this was helpful.

And if you need support, you can always reach out.