Emotional Coercion

This episode dives into emotional coercion—the subtle, insidious tactics designed to control your decisions and behavior without overt aggression. From gaslighting that leaves you questioning your reality to guilt-tripping that makes you feel responsible for your partner’s happiness, I uncover the patterns that keep you stuck in toxic cycles.

I also cover practical strategies to recognize red flags, break free from manipulative behaviors, and start reclaiming your confidence and autonomy.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re “too sensitive” or find yourself apologizing just to keep the peace, this episode is for you.

**Update** the December 1 masterclass has been postponed until January. To sign up for updates, subscribe to my newsletter: https://jessicaknightcoaching.activehosted.com/f/5

Transcript

Welcome to the You're not crazy podcast hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others. And heal the relationship with yourself, so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content and coaching at emotional abuse coach dot com. Hello, and thank you so much for being here today.

Today, I'm going to dive into a big topic, emotional coercion. And if you've been listening to the podcast recently, you know that I've had course of control, financial course. Ko, sexual cor, and today we're gonna dive into emotional chord. Now this is a topic that you're gonna be hearing me talk about a lot, Something that I've spent the last few months wrapping my mind around studying, decipher, going kinda really throwing myself into the topic because emotional coercion is a form of course of control. Course of control is the underpinning of all abuses, and all, racism, sexism, etcetera.

But emotional caution is different than emotional manipulation. It is different. It's not being trauma bonded. And so it's like, it is what is going on if you constantly feel like you're walking in egg shells, and doubting your perceptions, but knowing that there's a cost if you don't do the thing that the other person is trying to force you into doing. And so before we die further, I have a couple of announcements because this podcast, and I feel like it's important for me to say this now, is it's gonna leave some things out.

Right? That's, like, this is a heavy topic and it's a big topic. And so what I'm gonna do is I'm putting together a masterclass that will come out on December first on emotional caution. And it's basically like, if you feel like everything you do has a consequence from your partner. This is probably you're probably being forced into that behavior and they're trying to optimize your emotions.

Causing you to feel guilty in various ways, gas lighting you, guilt tripping, needing cons reassurance and validation, affirmation and a lot of that is gonna come up today, but December first, there'll be in masterclass class on this, and there's link in the shown notes to my mailing list. And so this is my email mailing list. And so if you want to know when that masterclass class is out, And if I end up doing it live, please go and sign up there, that will allow you to get in touch with me when it comes out, I always email my list first before. I posted anywhere, and so that way, you will be the first to know. So the link is in the bio.

And now if few quick housekeeping items. I wanted to just take a second and just explain my offerings if you work with me, if you have worked with me, you can skip through this, but I'm just gonna go through the bones of what I do and how I do it because this week, actually, I had somebody who signed up for a clarity call, but that's a call. It's a 1 on 1 for you and I to decide if it's a good fit for us to work together. I... You share a bit about what you're going through I share how I might approach that, and then we see, you know, if timing works out and all of that stuff.

So it's really just like a... It's an intro. But I've noticed that, like, people Have put a lot of weight on these calls. And somebody, it was, like, well, I'm making a decision tonight whether to leave or stay and I just had very honestly, Like, I I can't... That's not what this call is for.

And within 20 minutes, I'm not gonna be able to weigh in on that for you. But this is a safety concern, like, you need to address the safety concern, but I can't weigh in on that because that's... Me, we're talking about your whole life, and I'm not gonna pretend that I'm gonna know in 20 minutes and be able to make an informed decision or give you advice and even if I have worked with you for 10 years, I still wouldn't do that because this is your life, and I can talk to you about patterns of behavior, I can give you a sense of where things mako go, I do call out very big warning signs when they come up, and I sell say, like, I'm really concerned now. This is what I think you need to do, how can I help support you getting there, but, you know, I have to make a decision and That's not what the clarity calls for validation call? Might help you get some more clarity, but at the end of the day, these decisions are yours, and I can give feedback.

I can weigh in, but I really only do that when I have a relationship with you and with... Because then I can say, I've worked with you for 2 years, I could say, this is not okay, and this is why. 1 it's high conflict divorce, and, you know, it's a different set of rule, it's a little bit different because if you have to make a decision tomorrow, I typically can say, you know, well, this means this, and this means this. And I... This definition of this is this, you might wanna ask this question, but if it's like, I either get on a plane and leave my relationship tomorrow or I don't.

That, you know, we need to have much much longer conversation than clarity call. So that being said, clarity calls are intro calls. There are intro calls between you and I to see if we're a good fit to work together. I love doing them. I love connecting with people the times are few and far between on my website because I do prioritize my 1 on 1 clients, and I'm typically recording this on the weekends, You know, So But if there is a time that is on there, you know, that...

Or or if you can't actually find a time that actually works for you. I always tell people feel free just to email me jessica at just coaching dot com. And we can find a time or book 1 ask me if I can move it up sooner. That's the best way to go about it. I do get people moving things around, and, you know, every once in a while, I will take a few people on the weekend.

So then if I can have that call then, I will, And if you know me if you've talk to me if you work with me when on when, you know, like, I I really do... I try and sit things in, you know, all the time, and so don't hesitate to reach out. I also offer a validation call. Now this is a deep dive. This still is not a.

Should I leave the country or not call, but it is a full... You know, we have an hour. We dive into the patterns. I answer as many questions you have. Most people, share a bit about what's been going on before we get on the call.

And then from an informed place, we start diving in, and I can explain some patterns. And I love doing these because it obviously helps me help you from where you are, it is a 1 off, so there is no long commitment or anything like that. It's just like, a... I really need help and support. And if I have clarifying questions, I usually asked them at the top of the call.

So there's a form that you fill out, and I read it, and then I read it again right before I get on you. And if I'm looking at it, and I'm like, I need this 1 thing to be clarified, you know, then then we do that. I do do that for high conflict divorce as well, it is you a little bit harder because there have been legal filings in a lot of cases and it's that kind of requires me to see more documentation, but does it mean it doesn't happen. I do feel like, especially with, like, the legal modalities and things like that a few more than just 1, especially with high conflict divorce would be it is helpful, but these are options. Clarity call is if you wanna work with being long term, and you wanna begin to see what that looks like long term could literally be 3 months, it could be 3 years.

I have had clients up to almost 10 years now. Because once they get break free then they wanna work through other areas of their life. Validation calls is a 1 off standalone alone call. You can book it and not have any sort of commitment to working with me you book it online if you can't find a time same thing just reach out to me. I have a bunch of courses on my website that I have high conflict divorce.

I have documentation how to rank up with the nurses steve book. And my emotional abuse breakthrough course, which is really if you don't know what you're going through, and you're having trouble understanding what that is. That's the course to start with. It takes you through the signs of emotional abuse, helps you understand if you're trauma bond that and begins to help you set a boundaries. You can begin to create some space because the space is what really helps you feel like you again.

And it's necessary because you could be so gas at sometimes that you can't think clearly about what's actually happening. If you're interested in working with me, I recommend going my website, emotional abuse coach dot com or high conflict divorce coaching dot com. And if you ever have a question, wanna be you know, go in the right way? Wanna ask for time. Wanna ask, like, you know, can I pay you outside of just using your website because I need to keep it hidden or what times can we talk because I need to keep that hidden?

That is so normal. I work with people on that all the time, and I'm happy to do it because I understand what you're going through. And if you can only talk to me on Saturdays when you're in your car, then we'll figure that out because we can't. So those are all the housekeeping items that I have for today, as we get into the episode as a reminder, this is going to be the beginning part of understanding emotional portion. So this is...

If I was to do a podcast episode on this, I'd be here for an hour and a half. So I'm going to do this in a master class version, and that will be available December first. So for today, we're gonna dive into what emotional coercion is how it shows up in relationships and how to recognize if it's happening to you. And so what is emotional quotient? It is subtle, persistent tactics aimed at controlling someone's behavior, or decisions without overt aggression.

And sometimes I like to add to this that they're also trying to control your emotional responses. It is a subtle sneaky form of control that is not always easy to spot and this is a way you would think about it. If you feel like you need to check in with your partner before you make any plans or if you start to say it to yourself, like, I don't even wanna go out anymore because it's so trouble, he makes me feel so guilty. That's emotional portion. On the surface, it might sound like a compromise.

Right? Like, okay. I'm gonna go check in and make sure, you know, we don't have anything going on, but, like Okay. You have a shared calendar. You know there's nothing going on.

Your best friend wants to get coffee with you on a Sunday. Do you really need to ask permission to do that? Is there a consequence if you do that? It goes much deeper than a compromise. In it's unhealthy.

In emotional coercion, 1 person's mood, their emotional responses, their opinions and even their silent dis approval has the power to change how the other person behaves and over time, that power grows until 1 person is bending changing and even shrinking themselves just to keep the peace. And this continues, and it goes right through the cycle of abuse. Emotional coercion often starts in a very subtle way, and it might be little things at first like your partner making small comments that seem critical or questioning your choices and ways that make you second guess yourself. Like, why do you work so Do you need to see her today? We haven't at a night together in 2 nights and you wanna go and spend time with a friend.

I call this testing the waters with small acts of control or guilt tripping just to see how you respond. And these small acts can escalate over time until suddenly you're feeling like you're responsible for their moods their happiness and their sense of self worth. I have experienced this firsthand. And in many ways, my ex, had a way of, like, in a very subtle way pushing his emotional burden onto to me until I felt, like, I had to manage his feelings on top of my own, which were always conflicting. Like, the way he felt about something in the way I felt about, like, the same thing because it had an emotional reaction, he always wanted me to change my perception to his.

And there was this 1 specific instance that I remember, clearly, when we were at a mall, and he had this intense reaction to being at a mall, saying he was feeling anxious and he needs to leave and that he doesn't like malls and I should have known he doesn't like malls and I'm like, we've been in the mall for, like an hour so why did you just decide this now. And I'm like, okay. But whatever, Like, anxiety is real and it's valid, but he had mentioned it before, and then refused to go back to the hotel, which was attached to the mall. So I said, okay, if you need to go, you can go, I need to finish this right now, you know, I'm... Finishing something this is around the holiday season.

So I was like I'm pretty sure I was literally, like, getting something for my daughter at that moment, and, like, I'm just like, I, you can go. I... And it it was almost like, I needed to drop everything. In that moment literally and go. And I said the hotel is attached, you can go take care of yourself order room service, and I will be there.

But because I didn't do it he if refused to leave. He made me feel guilty. He stood in the corner and pouch it and stared at me as if I was doing something wrong. Like I was being insensitive for just like not immediately dropping everything that I said, I needed to do. We were there because I said I needed to do this thing.

And by the end, I was apologizing even though I didn't do anything wrong, I tried to care as much as I could, but he wouldn't leave. He wouldn't go literally 2 minutes to the actual tell room. When this was happening, I remember feeling like, I can't say what I wanna say I can't do what I wanna do. If this was the other side the other way. Like if I was the 1 with anxiety, I'd be going to the hotel room because that's what I would need to do.

But he's putting the pressure on me that I have to leave and I have to bring him back to the hotel room and stay there with him, and, like, we were gonna eat something that was not room service essentially. And then, like, that went out in the window too. It was all of this thing and it became this very big mess a very, very, very big mess. And I believe because I didn't do what he wanted me to do. He left that hotel that night.

And this is an important point because what I did there was I said a boundary. I said, you can go and that's okay. But I have to finish this thing that I'm doing. I don't know what I'm gonna be able to do it again. But he's smart.

So when I said no, but you can go, which is a boundary, it fully support you, do whatever you need to do, I will be there in 10 minutes, he wouldn't go. But he's smart. Right? So when he sees me bend in the past, he just kinda double down. Almost like how my 7 year old does, Like, I'm gonna double down so that you do it, You feel bad and then we go.

And for me, it was chaos because this would happen all the time. And in other ways, and I started to not want to be in this cycle anymore. Another example that I think up sometimes is when I had when we would buy tickets to something, I stopped bending to the chaos he was creating, and I would just go along. And then he'd escalate And then because him escalating led to me leaving and then just going to the thing by myself and being content going by myself because I paid for the ticket and I wanted to go. It turned into, now he's sick.

Now he's not okay. Now he's too emotional. Now he had a bad day, or now here's a news article of my boss from 10 years ago that died. I'm so sad, can you come back and stay? And I'm like, why is he creating chaos before?

Is it that he doesn't feel connected to me? Is this insecurity? And, you know what? Honesty, It doesn't matter. It was just every single time we had an event there would be absolute chaos.

Because he didn't feel emotionally validated enough. He wasn't getting the affirmation approval, emotional support that he needed prior to going to feel good enough to go because I likely was simply getting ready or had a busy day and maybe it wasn't as communicated so that I could actually be present that night. But like, the pattern was it was always escalating. And I got really exhausted being in the middle of these power plays because in the past, the beginning I'd stay, we wish wouldn't go. We'd lose the money.

I wouldn't do the thing I said I wanted to do. And then I would start going alone. So that's the boundary. Okay? Okay.

I can't support this right now and I'm gonna go. And then it became now I'm gonna come up with this big emotional thing to create a situation where now you're not there for me. And if I ever called at the pattern, I was told I was wrong insensitive. That's emotional portion. Because most of the times, I'm always apologizing for not actually doing anything wrong, but I'm apologizing that I didn't put all of my needs aside.

I'm offering other options, other situations, I've tried a million other things. I've stayed we've talked it through, but then I'm always stuck feeling a certain way, no matter what the boundary is even if it keeps me safe, Actually, especially, if but keeps me safe. So let's look a little bit deeper at some of the specific tactics that come up. And emotionally course of relationships. These tactics can overlap and reinforce each other, making the abuse feel almost impossible to escape.

We're going to look at gas lighting guilt tripping, blame shifting, love bombing and false promises to change which is already a lot, but I will tell you that in the masterclass class, I'm going to have so many more because there are so many more. And you've probably heard some of these before, but I wanna break them down. Gas lighting, as you know most likely is where the abuser makes the victim doubt their own reality. Think about how unsettling that is. Imagine you know someone said something, or you know how something happened.

But they keep insisting that you're wrong. You keep asking yourself. Am I too sensitive? My over reacting? This confusion is exactly what the abuser wants.

They want you to question your own instincts, so that eventually you rely on them for the truth. They dismiss your feelings. They tell you that your reactions were just leftover trauma, or you're just too sensitive. In my history because I do have trauma, I would often be told that it was left trauma, and it would be when I would react to real emotional neglect, but it would be framed is now being too sensitive because the only trauma that married mattered was his. The only triggers that mattered were his, and the only person that I needed to, be mindful beloved with him not even myself.

Over time, I began to believe it I began to think that maybe I do have too much trauma or there is so much I haven't worked through or I need to look at these things or maybe I have unhealthy patterns, but every time I bring something back my coach. She'd say, look at this disorder disordered thinking. This is disordered thinking. Look at how he's making you question your own reality and the 25 years of therapy that you've already had to kill tripping and blame shifting are also huge in emotionally course of relationships. Let's say you're running late and your partner becomes upset.

I'm not about the situation, but about you. You might end up apologizing for being late even though it wasn't a big deal in the situation, and it was really out of your control. Maybe it's traffic and accident, something like that. And over time, you start taking blame for everything. And I remember, my partner made me feel like I wasn't fighting for the relationship even though Was doing everything I could to make things work.

I also didn't want be in relationship that I was constantly told I needed to fight for it why couldn't I just be in relationship. He turned his decisions around on me making me feel guilty deeper things that were completely out of my control. A lot of these things were all decisions he made. Abusers often exploit past traumas or vulnerabilities, framing your legitimate reactions to their abuse as over reactions, or it's just your leftover hurt from the past When they do this, they are twisting the narrative to make you feel like your responses are invalid that you're reacting because of your past. So you stop trusting in your own reality, and this is a powerful form of caution because it leads you to second guess your reactions, especially if they seem connected to a past hurt, keeping you feeling off balance and ensure.

It's important to note that you note here that they are not ever looking at their own trauma, they're looking at your trauma as a way to use it against you. And if they have triggers from their trauma, then those are brushed aside, because you need to be mindful of those, but they're never going to be mindful of what they do to trigger you. But emotional coercion isn't just about maybe somebody feel guilty or Second guess them in the moment. It is a serious form of abuse. That rewire your self worth, the way that you look at yourself.

And rewire your ability to trust your instincts. And I think I'm sure a lot of us have felt this way, it actually begins to change who we actually are because we're always being told to we are not. I wanna say that again because I think it's really important. It starts to change who you are because you're always being told who you are not. And this forms the trauma bond.

The trauma bond happens, due to intermittent reinforcement. We have these moments of affection or peace and they create a deep emotional attachment because the times when the abuser seem so caring or they apologize and promise a change. And for a while, things get better. It's almost enough to make you believe that they've changed for good this time, but the psycho repeats and each time you get more emotionally hooked holding on to those glimmer of hope, like that this time will be the time that things are different. What we are trauma von did most often we know deep down the relationship is toxic.

And those rare moments of affection, those promises to change, make it so hard to leave. And what makes it so much worse is when emotional caution is up play, which usually always is. When you try and leave, they make false promises, they beg, they say thing. They say the things that you wanna hear, they give you the space that you need or the time that you're asking for only when it gets down to that moment. They guilt you into staying.

They beg you for 1 more chance. But eventually, and even sometimes in the same argument they start blaming you for new things. And if you have been gas more long enough, you start to lose trust in your own instincts. You really start to believe if what you feel is what you feel, what you remember is actually valid, and I know I remember constantly doubting myself, wondering if I was really over acting or maybe my partner was right. And once you lose trust in yourself, it becomes harder to leave because you feel like you can't rely on your own judgment.

They convince you that emotional caution is actually a healthy relationship. Emotional caution, a lot of times can be obvious. It's like when somebody says, like, here's an ultimatum. You do this and we're done, but it also can be incredibly subtle. And it might be when you make a decision that they don't like, and they just give you a cold shoulder.

They stole wall... They make you feel like you're constantly doing something wrong. This kind of control is just is powerful because it forces you to change without them having to say a word. It is consistently being disappointed with you. Somebody that I was with was a master of this, he'd saw withdrawal, lead me feeling like I was somehow responsible for his unhappiness.

I remember once I encourage him, to take the night for himself, catch up on work, rest. He was not feeling well he was tired. He was overwhelmed, and then he continued to make me feel guilty, po, even crying at 1 point because I didn't want to care take him through all that stuff that he needs to do because I had my own stuff going on, my own to dos. This can also look at They say that you need to share your location because they wanna make sure that you're safe, but then you share your location. And when you go to Cbs or sending you messages asking why you had to go to Cbs, who you stopping and why you seeing right?

It becomes a form of control. And so we're gonna dive into a lot more of the ins and analysis of how this looks and how it works in the masterclass class, but I of course, wanna give you something to think about how to break free because It's crucial to start reminding yourself that their emotions are not your responsibility. Their adults, they can seek out help and resources and can manage their own happiness and their own pain. You do not have to take that on, it's not yours just because you're in relationship with them. If you feel like every time they're upset, it's your problem to solve.

The first boundary you can set is letting go of that responsibility and a lot of times that boundaries with ourselves. And you can start practicing some small waste and enforce boundaries, and it can be as as simple as not replying some messages immediately or just telling yourself. I'm allowed to feel good about my choices. I'm allowed to enjoy breakfast with my friend. I'm allowed to be at the gym right now.

Remind yourself, you don't have to carry their emotional weight. It can feel like a big step towards freedom. Beginning to find someone that understands whether it's a coach, a therapist, a friend that's gone through this. Emotional coercion isolate you. That's what it's meant to do.

And breaking free requires connection, find people who validate your experiences, whether it's friends, family or a therapist, a coach, they can remind you who you are outside of your relationship because sometimes, a lot of times, We start to forget who we actually really are. And boundaries, like, taking time to respond. Things like that are just... They just bring you back to who you actually are. I had a partner that would push back every single boundary I set.

But when I would, began to really enforce that My started to feel like I was regaining a sense of myself even if he didn't respect my boundaries, I did then that mattered. So I kept trying to respects my own boundaries. Emotional chord makes you feel like you're failing constantly and you start to lose sight of yourself. I know I just mentioned that I think it's really important. And rebuilding self work means reminding yourself that you are enough and my...

And that connecting with activities and people that value you outside of the relationship. I always tell clients to write down what makes them feel like themselves because it's unique for everybody, what makes you feel like you, and are you doing these things. Right? Other people may not need a work workout every morning, but I do because it makes me feel like me. And it is 1 of, like, the pillars, maybe the top 3, a shower, a workout, And, like face lotion.

It's probably my top 3. But for somebody else it might be makeup and their hair done and a specific something for breakfast. It it can be whatever it is for you. Because I know that this feels really heavy. And if you feel like parts of my story are parts what I said if sound familiar, just really, really, really know you're not alone.

Emotional caution. Really does make you feel powerless and trapped in the cycle of guilt, self doubt and fear. But there are ways out and by recognizing the patterns and reclaiming your boundaries, you can start to find yourself again. And so if you do feel stuck, I invite you to come to that masterclass class. Once again, sign up using the newsletter link that's in my bio so that you'll be the first note when it is out, and if I'm choosing to do it live.

Which would be really fun, honestly, but we don't need to carry somebody else's weight. You really do deserve so much more. You deserve a relationship where your needs and your boundaries are respected, and they may have convinced you that. You're not respecting them, but I promise you that if you're hearing and you're listening to this and you're looking at your own patterns and what this is. You likely are respecting them, but they're making the goal post impossible.

You're not alone. I promise you that in this episode, I shared a whole bunch of examples. And I'll be honest as I've been in this deep dive of going through emotional portion and, like, learning more about it, which is all coming from, a training I did on course of control, so I can help survivors and the family court system. They started to put together a lot of these pieces and kinda look back that wanna... 1 specific relationship, and I was like, that's all this was.

Constant way for this person to not have to feel their feelings. It's awful. But once you see it, you can't un it. And if you're here and you're trying to see things even if it feels like things aren't clicking, I promise you, it's just You're moving the needle slightly closer because you're not gas lighting yourself anymore. I really hope that this was helpful.

I hope you join me on December first for the masterclass. My email is Jessica at jessica coaching dot com. You can find me on Instagram at emotional abuse coach or at emotional abuse coach dot com.