High-Conflict Co-Parenting During the Holidays

Navigating co-parenting challenges with a high-conflict ex can feel overwhelming—especially during the holiday season. In this episode, I share practical strategies to manage last-minute schedule changes, manipulative behavior, and the emotional toll these dynamics can take. Learn how to stick to your court order, document effectively, and create new traditions that bring joy to you and your kids, even in the midst of chaos. 

Transcript

Welcome to the You're not crazy podcast hosted by Jessica, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others. And heal the relationship with yourself, so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content and coaching, add emotional abuse cook dot com. Hello and welcome back.

As we get closer to the holidays, a lot of people have been dealing with a lot of high conflict things as with their coach c parent or obviously with their family with trying to figure out family dynamics and things like that. But most of the people that come to me for support are wanting help surviving and understanding c parent drama around the holidays because it always feels like something is heightened around this time. Since today, we're going to talk about that. Before we dive in, as always, you can find me at emotional abuse coach dot com. On Instagram emotional abuse coach, you can also find me at high dash conflict the boris coaching dot com, and you can find me on subs If you look up Jessica night coaching.

So how to navigate c parenting challenges during the holidays, especially when your ex is very high conflict. If you are someone that you used to feel holiday joy, but now you're noticing their brain more stress, due to last minute, schedule changes ignored agreements. Just outright and manipulation. Just know that you are not alone, I, during the week of Thanksgiving. I think by maybe Friday.

Yeah, I guess, Friday. So right after thanksgiving, people were still dealing with challenges, obviously. And I said, you know, for the amount that I had, of people coming into me this week. I can just imagine how many things are filed in the court system throughout this week. But I hope that this episode helps you feel like you're not alone and that you're seeing and validated.

And maybe equipped to handle challenges as we approach December holidays. And so first, I just want to address some of the kinds of c parenting challenges that come up again and again and I I've had clients share share stories about their exes, doing things like changing, agreed upon schedules even if it's in a court order at the last minute, claiming that it's due to the holiday spirit. I actually saw it in an email, claiming that because they were flexible over the summer that you now need to be flexible with them and claiming that it's an inconvenience to the kids if you don't make this change. They'll also refuse to respond to text and emails and calls until the very last second if at all. So you're sort of on edge waiting to see where things are gonna fall or if you're gonna have a conflict at the very last second.

And manipulating time with their kids to control or disrupt your plans to sometimes under the guise of what they'll claim is the best interest for the children, but there have been countless things I've seen this week or, you know, where or times this week where people are reporting back to me that so and so bought tickets to this thing on broadway or this thing, this performance and on the parent I work with parenting time. And now if they're not flexible, they take something away from their kids. But if they are flexible, they sort of teach their exit this pattern is okay, which is really hard, especially around holidays when there's probably a lot of flexibility and instability, and if you're listening to this that you most likely don't have a very easy c parenting relationship in the first place. If you did, you'd have no reason to be here. Another example that I saw that probably came up for a lot of people was that 1 client told me that her ex tried to move their agreed.

Holiday swap day from Wednesday to Tuesday because everybody travels on Wednesday without any prior discussion just just a demand, basically, like, I will be picking up so, so and driving. And if it sounds infuriating, it is, you know, to the outside world, they might think like, oh, why are you not being flexible or like it is the holidays. But when you are dealing with somebody that's high conflict when you give an inch, they take a yard. And so I do think that in a lot of ways, we have to stick to the plan, and we have to stick to the court order because that is is what is in the best of our kids because at the very least it's consistent. If it's something that's like a real challenge, then I actually always recommend that you seek to amend that whatever the challenging thing is, like, for example, I have this 1 family I work with and they walk.

They both have time on Christmas eve and they both have time on Christmas day. And I think over time they realize that's not really in the best interest of the kids. But you don't have to make it in court, you can make it in a stipulation. You can make it in between lawyers, you get the very least, make it a little bit more official than... Just an agreement between Youtube because when the other person doesn't want to uphold the agreement, they just are not going to.

And then you're gonna wonder why you were flexible and, you know, all of these things. And so this stuff is infuriating, and there is no method to their madness because they do thrive on creating chaos and keeping you off balance and positioning themselves as the victim. This is a control tactic, whether or not you see it that way, you know, it really is a control tactic. So why do they do this? Before I dive into how to manage these situations, I wanna talk about why they do it because I think it's important.

And understanding the behavior can help you stay calm and not take the bait when it comes up, but also to not personalize it, Not to feel like they're doing it to you. The first reason is control by disrupting your plans and making you on edge, they may maintain the sense of power over you in your life, which is usually always what they're seeking. They are maintaining emotional manipulation. They know the holidays are special and it's a special time, and so they're ruining them for you, and that gives them a sense of satisfaction. They playing the victim.

They will want to twist the narrative to make it seem like you are the unreasonable 1, even when you're just sticking to the agreement. No matter what you do. And recognizing that these patterns are patterns are the first step to breaking fruit from the control because why, if you can see that this is what's happening, it will allow you to take a step back and just look at the pattern, but not engaging in it. And remember, their actions say a lot more about them they do about you. Like, if they are really unhappy about whatever the consistent holiday plan is, they can email you.

They can ask you. You know? And like I said, you can decide through your lawyer through if you have a care coordinator. If you have you know, if you're listening to this podcast, you likely just can't agree to a big change in the parenting plan without it having a significant impact. But those are all possibilities rather than arguing with you.

And so how do you deal with this? I wanna share some strategies that have worked for my clients and that they might work for you? The first 1 is to stick to the court order? Remember that your court order is the guiding principle of the parenting plan. Always refer to your agreement.

If they try and change the schedule politely, but firmly redirecting to the agreement. For example, you can say the court order states that pickup is at 9AM on Thursday, and I'll plan to see you then. If there is a weather issue if there, you know, is a travel issue, Again, your flexibility is in your corner if you want to be flexible, but if you are feeling really pulled in many directions, the best thing you've can possibly do is simply stick to the court order. You do not have to be flexible. You know?

And sometimes it, if you stick to the court order, and then after you kind of think about it and you're like, man, this would have been a lot easier. You know, this was this was a situation or this is that is something that we can. Talk about, but also it's something that you can do after. Right? This is it when in doubt stick to the court quarter.

You also wanna document everything. You wanna keep a record of all communication. I highly suggest using c parenting apps or even a separate email address. You can text screenshots to yourself. You want to save changes to the plan.

You wanna change the last minute of questions refusal or even manipulative manipulate behavior. I had a client this week who kept seeing that her ex was opening up the O app and not reading any of the messages, which caused so many issues with the transition time. This was the 1 that was splitting. They time on the actual holiday because their families looked very close. And it was a disaster.

And, you know, I mean, for him, he probably felt in control and for her, she felt on and anxious because everything she does kinda and will be held against her. But sometimes all you can do is save what happened, and don't worry so much about how you document it, just get it down. I actually have a documentation course that's releasing, actually, by the time this podcast comes out, it will be released. So it's on my website, and it's how to document for Family court for this month, December, it is 29 dollars, and if you are interested in it, I highly suggest going to check it out because I think that it is something that so many people find really confusing. The next tip is don't engage in the drama they want a reaction end of you.

And the more you engage the mark fuel you give them. I really recommend taking a break when you get a really frustrating email. This is so much easier said than done. Trust me. Like, I know from my own self that It would serve me better if I was able to take more of a break sometimes, and, like, sometimes I'm really good at it.

Sometimes I'm not. So if you can set up a system in a way to take a break, and then respond in a factual breathing and calm way. For example, if you get 6 paragraphs instead of writing you always are pulling less. This last minute crap. I would write.

I'm gonna follow the court order as written. And that's it. It's really hard to read 5 paragraphs about how awful you are and not respond, but this is gonna save you a lot of stress in a lot of time. You also always wanna have a backup plan. Sometimes despite your best efforts, things won't go as planned.

And having a plan b ready can be helpful. You know, maybe it's celebrating on a different day or creating a new tradition with your kids. Flexibility doesn't mean that you're giving in in this case, it means that you are prioritizing your peace and your children's joy. And so I'll tell you a little story, and I'm not gonna go into too many details because I want to and need to keep my own personal case details private. But when the holiday plan was discussed in for my daughter, it was after divorce.

It was after a modification and all these things, and it was a hill I wish I didn't die on. I actually have always hated the holidays. There's a lot of... I'd like a lot of holiday trauma growing up. And it was a time of joy that ended up not being a time of being Ida guess being like, you know, the worst of my childhood abuse.

But my daughter loves it, and she's like, she is just like a little light and, you know, when she watched inside out, she actually said, mama. I think I have too much joy. Like, so around these things like she loves everything holidays. She loves to dress brett. She's just like, this ball of energy, and she's kind of always been that way.

And because our dad's family and my family live close to each other, which is not near where we personally reside but the town that they live in. It's near each other. That if we won't travel there, I was hoping we could split the day in both that time. But I do realize that that now, it's like, kinda fought for it a little bit too much rather than seeing and thinking outside of the box around that the day doesn't matter as much. I think the day felt like it mattered and when she was older because that's when everybody got together, and I didn't have flexible thinking with this, kinda and I didn't think that, you know, I guess, I mean, when we're in a drama response.

We're not thinking clear anyway, but I didn't think, like, oh, Charlotte. That's my daughter's name, would you likely know if you've been here for a while, but that she actually would love to Christmas is or 3 Christmas or 4 Christmas is and that she likes having, like, flexible plans, and she just turned 8, I'm not sure how long she's gonna believe in Santa, But right now, she still does. And in the years past, I've been able to tell her, like, I called Santa, and he's gonna come early or like, you know, Sand is gonna... Like, that's... I remember the first year, she was with her dad on Christmas day, and then she came home and, like, she was also so happy to have all her presence here just as happy as she was to have it there.

And, like, you know, and I... I've made that really creative. Like, I've had... I, I've got on Can and written a letter from Santa saying Charlotte, you know, your mom reached out to me, and I'm gonna come early this year. You know, she...

It... He's come on the 20 third, which was, like, a weekend day, so that way, Charlotte could play with her gifts. You know, all weekend and things like that. And, you know, we always... We have, like, our little traditions, which are...

We always buy, like, the Charlie Brown Christmas tree, so we find, like, the tree that doesn't have a home, and I'm like, awful at going and getting a tree because if fundamentally don't understand why people put trees in their homes and I'm sorry. If you hate me for saying that, but I'm just like, why do we do this? But anyway, so we get, like, the tree that needs a home and then we take care of the tree, and we decorate the little tree, but, like, which 1 makes it easier because we have pets but 2, it has become our tradition, and I think she really likes that. 1 year, we did get a very large tree, and I'm sure we'll kind of switch on and off, you know, with what we decide to do, but that's our tradition. We always see Disney and ice because it comes to our town right before.

So we make a plan and we go see Disney and ice and that's usually part of our tradition. And like, it's just a nice time. You know, it's... We... My family is in New York, and we go to New York when we usually go to New York when it's my year to have her on Christmas.

And even thanksgiving, we've done Charlotte Thanksgiving, which instead of Ka charlotte and I are, Veg... Well, I'm being vegetarian, And so instead of having turkey, things like that, Charlotte Thanksgiving is all of Charlotte favorite foods. And so the day before thanksgiving, you know, we typically... If she's traveling to her dad's. We do something like that.

We did this year because this year we both were exhausted honestly, and we kinda just, like, both agreed to order in and just kind of watch movie on the couch, but that was nice too. Right? Because I think that's what makes Charlotte feel very loved. And cared for. And so all of that's to say is that you can come up with your own plans and your own traditions and your own ideas and your own ways of going about it and your kids will still find it's special.

Like I actually think now that Charles gonna look back and, you know, when she's older and be, like, oh, my god. My mom, almost of wrote letters like, either. She's gonna think I paid for letters from Santa or, like, if just doesn't know what can is or, you know, but, like, I really went... I went a little above and beyond to make her feel like that day is just as special so that she felt just as special for having multiple Christmas, You know, because we usually also have 1 in New York with my family if it's not her year with me. That's all to say is have a plan, focus on what makes you and your kids happy, and it does not have to be perfect.

It does not have to include, you know, matching outfits and all the things, but it it just has to include that, you know, you are really enjoying the time with your kid and that your kids are happy. And that it's too worse. It's your tradition. The last piece of advice here is that just to know to get legal help. If the manipulation that you're getting and the non compliance become a pattern.

It is time to involve your lawyer, are probably would document what happens this year, and then make a plan for next year because, you know, it is really hard to get into the court system, and they're seeing so many of these. The court is not gonna be compassionate. You know, they're probably getting, like Like I said if I had so many people reach out last week around thanksgiving, I can't imagine how many people are reaching out to the family court system, you know, we're, like, filing things in the family court system. So I would, you know, I would document, what's going on, I would do the best that you can. I would reach out to your lawyer to see if you can figure out a plan and see how you can enjoy the holidays without the stress.

And this is something I do talk to people a lot. We do a lot of, like, post more stuff and divorce coaching where we can look at what happened, look at where you may have been able to be a bit different and then talk about what that might look like in the future. And so if you are interested in divorce coaching or if you even just wanna 1 off session, I do them pretty often, and I usually ask you for some basic information before we set up a call, So that way, I'm coming in informed and you get the most out of the session 2. At the end of the day, though, it is important for you to take care of yourself. Don't forget that you're a person in this c parenting with the high complex x is exhausting.

And easily to let your own needs fall, you can't pour into an empty cup though. And so make sure that, you know, you do set boundaries. Don't let their chaos consume all of your thinking. Give your yourself time to relax even if it's just 10 minutes of breathing taking breaks away from communication, reach out to people who understand. Sometimes that your family is does not understand right now, you know, or they kinda make it worse by saying, like, how is this possible or, like, you, you know, this is not legal or whatever.

You know, there are people that understand. That's why I said I add a lot of people or reach out. You're not alone, focus on what you can control. You cannot control their behavior, but you can control their response. And sometimes it takes some work to be able to get there.

Once again, the holidays could be in mind, the ultimate when it comes to c parenting with the high conflict x. But remember, again, you are not alone, you can prepare ahead. You can think about setting boundaries and keep your focus on the kids. Thank you again as always for joining me. And if you want more content like this, I will be sharing more on my subs especially in the new Year.

The link will be in the show notes. And that's the best way to find it and subscribe. If you have questions, I've also added a little question and answer link in the show notes. You can submit an anonymous question, and I'll answer it on a future episode or in a future subs post. As always, you can find me at emotional abuse coach on Instagram, my websites are emotional abuse coach dot com and high conflict divorce coaching dot com, and you can email me at jessica jessica dot com.