When "No" Isn't Respected: Understanding Sexual Coercion

This episode dives into the misunderstood and rarely discussed topic of sexual coercion in relationships. I discuss recognizing coercive patterns and how emotional manipulation can slowly erode personal boundaries, leaving you feeling trapped, guilty, and ashamed.

I also read heartbreaking comments from women who shared their own stories of being pressured, guilted, and manipulated into sex—especially during moments of vulnerability, illness, and exhaustion.

If you've ever felt like your "no" was ignored, negotiated, or turned into a reason for blame, this episode will help you put words to that experience and remind you: Your boundaries are valid. Your body is yours. And you're not crazy.

You can follow me on Substack here: https://jessicaknightcoaching.substack.com/

Transcript

Welcome to the you're not crazy podcast hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others, and heal the relationship with yourself so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content and coaching@emotionalabusecoach.com. Hello and thank you for being here today. I want to talk about a topic that doesn't get talked about enough and it's something that if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know that I have interviewed Nat Lejeune who does do work on sexual coercion and marital coercion and this topic is going to dive into that and sort of how I personally came to realize that this was more coercion. And it kind of piggybacks off of my episode that I did a few weeks ago on emotional coercion. And diving into like that you feel pressure but you don't know why, but you don't want to do something, but you feel like you have to feeling. And so before I dive in, you can find me@emotionalabusecoach.com for coaching one off sessions or long term, as well as my courses which include how to understand and break through emotional abuse, how to set boundaries, how to divorce narcissist, and how to document for family court, amongst other things. You can find me on Instagram motionalabuse coach and you could also find my divorce coaching website@high-divorce coaching.com and so diving into sexual coordination. I want to tell you where this episode is essentially coming from. So in December I had posted something on threads about sexual coercion and about healing from it. And the post says sexual healing from sexual coercion is hard. Coercion chips away at your sense of self, leaving guilt and shame in its wake. I internalized his demands as my failure and I believed his needs in air quotes mattered more than my boundaries. And I've learned that sex is not a need. And I got 267 comments and 1.5 thousand likes. And now every once in a while, you know, posts like that go viral. But it was like really interesting, the interaction and then not only the interaction, but people were then reposting it and writing like, look at the comments on this post and I'm going to read some of them because it's going to shed light on what people are experiencing. This was also part of a thread of some other posts that I had on the same topic that brought even more comments. This one had 587 comments. It had 252shares and 5.7k comments likes. And this is what it said. My partner didn't care if I was in pain or emotionally exhausted when I injured my back and couldn't walk. He said, maybe having sex will loosen things up. And that was the moment I realized that to him, I wasn't a person. I was just a body, an object, something to meet his needs. He quoted podcasts about how couples need sex to stay healthy and framed statistics as guilt trips. While he also ignored my boundaries, he treated my no as a failure on my part, a sign that I was not doing enough for him in the relationship. And just to be clear, this injury, it was a herniated disc in my back, my low back. So L4 L5. And I was in severe pain. And when he would, like, he would still try and, like, come on to me. And I would say things like, stop, or like, I don't want to, or I'm in pain or I'm hurting, or, like, don't you think I would hurt? So all of that really ended up having such a significant impact on me because I felt like I couldn't just say no. And in the past, like, when I said no, there'd be guilt, and I could deal with the guilt, but now I was injured, and there was even more guilt. So that's when I really started to see what the pattern was. Because it was like, if you had a broken leg, I wouldn't be telling you, like, oh, I know your leg is broken, but let me have sex with you. I would be saying, your leg is broken. Are you okay? Your leg is broken. You should heal. And I was saying no. And then it just felt like it was doubling down. And then there came in a time frame of all these things that I wasn't doing and that he wanted me to do, or, like, how long it had been since we had sex because I had Covid right before this happened. And I'm like, the timeline that keeps coming up is just going to keep getting longer. This argument is just going to keep going on. And I didn't really feel like I needed to be arguing about it in the first place because I was saying things like, I love you, I want to be close to you, but I need you to respect me right now. You're pressuring me. I can't. And even just no. And so that's where some of those posts were coming from. And when people started to comment on them, like I said, people kept sharing it and saying, look at the comments. And so I'm going to read some of them. Mine sends me articles about how men get prostate cancer and heart attacks. YouTube videos on how women neglect their husband's needs and involves his mother in our sex life. My ex pushed me into sex four weeks after a rough childbirth. We had our second child two years later, nine pounds. He pressured me into it 10 days later. He then got angry because, quote, you could at least pretend you're enjoying this. You're just lying there like a log. End quote. Yeah, dude, I thought, I'm trying not to scream. If there's h***, I can tell you what I hope is happening to him now. And that comment got like. I mean, that comment. Yeah, got a ton of replies to it. Here's another one. Reading the comments here. And I'm just here to say that this is not normal at all. My boyfriend has never pressured me for sex. Ever. If I say I'm not feeling good, he'll ask me if there's anything I could do to feel better. I'm sorry for the woman going through this. Another one. You will be amazed how many guys think their d*** is a magic pill for pain, mental illness and life stressors I've been screened at compared to exes who are more sexual. Told that I don't know how to be a woman. Shamed and berated for not wearing lingerie. So I bought a bunch of it and it's expensive and uncomfortable. Tormented because I don't love giving oral sex. Blamed for his prostate problems because I don't initiate enough. And by the way, he refuses to initiate because he doesn't know how I'm feeling. Because God forbid he asks and I say no. I started initiating more to simply prevent the abuse, which is literally textbook sexual coercion. My husband had to Google if it was normal for women to experience pain and not have a high sex drive after having a baby. He just wouldn't believe me. He said he thought I was making it to withhold sex to manipulate him. Our second child wasn't even two months old yet at the time. Here's another. He threatened with infidelity, divorce, custody, all because I lost my sex drive. I've been breastfeeding for almost two years and I've basically been taking care of my son on my own and my emotional needs have been neglected. Even on days when he is home from work, I do everything for our child. My son is never a burden but at the end of the day, I have nothing left to give and I'm exhausted. But according to him, I'm not doing enough. And the comments honestly go on. There's other comments here that are talking about how when somebody was on chemotherapy and they were forced into it. There's a comment on here about people having brain cancer and how their partner said it was harder on them than you. And the patient who had to have a part of their brain removed claim that it was harder on them because they couldn't have sex. So this is clearly a very escalated, very important topic that we need to talk about more and that I want more people to feel more comfortable saying no within themselves when they mean no. And that's the purpose or that's kind of the basis for this podcast. Sexual coercion, by definition, is a silent, insidious form of abuse that thrives when boundaries are ignored and emotional safety is eroded. It does not look like force or violence all the time. It can just look as manipulation, guilt, and entitlement. And that leaves people feeling confused, ashamed, and afraid of speaking out and speaking up. As I mentioned, I didn't recognize it at first and I didn't have language for it. But a lot of people in sharing this, it's not only. It's like, it's not just me. I didn't think that going into it. I know this happens a lot, but I want, if you're listening this, to know it's not just you, too, and that you can go and look at threads on those posts and just really like, you might feel really heard and seen. And so in my work, I've spoken with countless survivors who experienced these kind of violations or straight up sexual coercion. And their stories really echoed each other. Stories where emotional manipulation replaced consent. There was no. No, that wasn't ignored. Intimacy became transactional. And I really hope that we can begin to bring clarity to what many people have struggled to name. And so I'm going to go into a little bit of my story because I think it might be helpful. And also, I think it's just, it kind of like, you know, you can. I can talk about other people's stories, but when I talk about my own, it's obviously coming with a bit more weight. And so the background of this is that I never really felt completely safe in the relationship. I felt mostly safe, but I thought a lot of it was me, which I'm sure we've all felt. But it was so emotionally coercive that I, you know, he needed so much validation from me and so much of my energy, and none of which I actually could give. And at first, I really couldn't put my finger on it. It was like this creeping unease that settled whenever he, like, touched me, especially after that injury I mentioned, I always thought I was overreacting. And I told myself, like, maybe this is just how relationships are and I should just be doing this. And, you know. But the discomfort was my body screaming at me that something was wrong. Like, I was exhausted, I didn't want to. And I was constantly pressured. And in the beginning, it started with, like, these small violations. Like, he smacked my a** even though I told him that it hurt or that it was hurting my back or, like, my injury. And when there was this one time I winced and said, that hurts. And he smacked the other side, laughing at me. And I just thought, like, what are you doing? And he goes, I thought the pain was on the other side. And I just go, what is wrong with you? And when I look back at it now, it's not playfulness, it's cruelty. Like, you have this injury, but you only have it here. So I'm going to do something that you just told me not to do, and I'm going to expect that you're not going to have pain on the other side is not asking for my consent. And I had been saying for, like, weeks at that point, please stop doing this because you're hurting me. Over time, I wanted to stop being touched at all. I wasn't rejecting intimacy. I was honestly afraid of it. He'd sneak up behind me when I was folding laundry or pouring water, you know, trying to, like, hold me when I'm in these uncomfortable positions, like, with a Brita filter, pouring water. And, like, then I'm being told that I'm not accepting or receiving his love when I'm trying to stop the water from falling out everywhere. It felt invasive because when I did reject it, or if I was like, can you please, like, just give me a second, like. Or, like, let me finish this and then I'm gonna come sit with you. Or, like, you know, or to, like, even just be with me. The ways that I wanted to be with him, it wasn't allowed. Or he would then cause a deep emotional response, which made me feel like I couldn't just say no without having a further consequence of how I upset him and all the things and how he just wants to feel close to me and don't. I know how hard it is. And he just want to feel close to me and like, he feels so dad and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Prior to all this, he also used to kiss me in a way that felt sudden and forceful. It would be, like, in the middle of nowhere or a busy street, and I would just be like, can you just, like, wait? You know? But it would be, like, this big thing, and if I didn't, you know, receive it and give it back in such, like, a romantic, over the top, in the movies way, it was seen as bad. When I am a bit more of a private person. And, like, for me, it would be much more sweet if, like, we got to the end of a block or something, you know, if we're going on a walk or at a stoplight, and then he reached in for a kiss that didn't have to be over the top with his tongue in my mouth. Like, I just wanted to feel like a person. And I just kept feeling like I'm an object of his affection. He wants this right now. It doesn't matter what it does to me. And even if I got myself to the place where I did, like this or want this or, like, literally wanted to, like, you know, prevent other people from, you know, operating in traffic so that he can have his need met, it doesn't mean that I would have ever felt much different or much better. He just would have his need met. And so over time, it, like, became constant. Because it was almost as if it was like, every area he would find. Every time I set a boundary, he'd escalate the boundary. Every time I'd say, like, I don't. I just. That's not me. But, like, why can't we just. Why can't you just kiss me, like, while we're at the end of the street? Or why, like, why does it have to be in the middle of, like, a busy road and you expect me to kind of meet you with the same response? That's what happened when I was, like, really, like, either tired or stressed or frustrated, too. It was never at a time that I actually could even appreciate it. And it was never meant to be something that made me feel comfortable. And so, again, while I can understand that this might be his way of wanting affection, you know, overt and dramatic and, you know, extreme sides of public affection. It also felt like I couldn't ask for what would make me feel more comfortable within that arrangement. There was also a big weaponizing of the words I miss you. And at first I thought it was sweet that he missed me. But then. And I didn't put this together until later when he said he missed me, what he really meant was that he missed sex. We would spend days together, side by side. And, like, we might be doing things with our kids. We might be running errands. We might be working. I might be sick. He might be sick. But that wasn't intimate to him. Even if, like, we all actually, like, were, like, plopped out watching a movie, you know, spending time together. I get a text later that day, I really miss you. And I'd be like, what? Like, I just spent all day with you, you know? And it maybe it was great. Maybe there were so many, like, intimate, emotional moments throughout the day where I'm just like, oh, my God, I feel so grateful for this guy. And then I'm getting this thing, and it's like, you don't want just the connection or to build the connection. You want the connection as long as it comes with sex. And there were days where I would get. There's one day I counted 18 texts that he missed me. And again, on the outside might be like, okay, well, that's, like, nice. It's like, yeah, but he saw me the day before he saw me. He's going to see me the next day. I literally was trying to clean my daughter's room. And I'm getting pressured to go out all day with him while getting all these messages. And what he's saying is, I miss your body. I miss your v*****. That's what he missed. He didn't miss me because he had time with me. And if you've been with a toxic or an abusive person, you know that they often, like, weaponize time, too. So they might spend. You know, you might have plans to do something, and all of a sudden, like, you're not doing it anymore. Because he has decided, like, that's not at the top of his list, you know, or they sabotage it in some way. So now you just need to give more time and more time and more time. And so this I miss you. And it was constant, and it just felt so frustrating as time went on, especially when this injury finally happened, because it was like, he misses me, and now this is never going to end. And now when he talks about being frustrated, and I would get these texts of, like, all I need is a good long. And I would just be like, what the am I to you? Like, I would be, like, deep in work. And when I'm working, I really, like, I pay. I barely pay attention to my phone unless it's like the public school calling me to say that my daughter's Sick. But, like, I'm like, you know, focused. I usually have, like, texting turned off. And it was honestly, like, pretty heartbreaking because it was just like this. Intimacy is not about feeling connected. It's about control. But my needs and my boundaries and my safety are all secondary. For me, emotional safety is really the foundation of any healthy relationship. Other people might feel different, but for me, emotional safety means respect. And without it, trust crumbles and the intimacy is going to die and fear takes its place. So, like in, you know, all these examples, like, I may not have said it, but I am afraid of what comes next. I am anticipating what comes next. I now know there's a pattern. When I tried to express that I didn't feel safe because I did do that too. He shut me down. He would say things like, don't use those words. My discomfort was treated like an inconvenience, something to ignore, not to understand. He would tell me that I don't. I can't say I don't feel safe. So then I would search for other words and then I would kind of fight back against that. Like, you can't tell me I can't feel safe. If I don't feel safe, I don't feel safe. But here's the thing. My body knew before my mind did. When I began to flinch, when I began to pull away instinctively and not even realize my body was rejecting the closeness altogether because it had learned that affection came with strings attached. And when I did a podcast with Natalie on sexual coercion, she shared this. She said, every unwanted touch sends us a signal of danger to your body. Over time, even non sexual touch becomes unbearable because your nervous system registers it as a threat. And that was my reality. Every I miss you carried an expectation. Every touch felt heavy, like a debt I owed to him. And then if I was uncomfortable and I pulled away, or even said no, or even just asked for a second, he would respond with sulking, silent treatments or dismissive comments. My no was never enough. And if I said anything about it, that's when I got the whole slew of like, well, I just don't feel connected to you, or I don't think you're prioritizing this relationship, or, you know, and sometimes I wanted to be like, what about all the sex that we have had that I have wanted to have? And I'm telling you, this is what's going to kind of lead to me feeling closer to you. And you basically are saying, no, that's not okay because I decided differently and you expect Me to say okay to that and then expect me to be in pain, but you'll feel good. So you don't want me to lie to you, but you want me to fake an o*****. How does this make sense? Sexual coercion is not about overt pressure. It really is about those insidious patterns of behavior that wear you down over time. And this guy's behavior was not a one off. It was deliberate. It was calculated and it had a very clear pattern that I'm able to see now. I'm going to go through the things that I noticed and that I've like reflected on because I think it may be helpful for you. There was a clear pattern of guilt and obligation. He framed intimacy as something I owed him. Saying things like, I'm sad we couldn't have sex last night because of me. On the surface it sounds like self blame, but the impact was different. His sadness became my responsibility to fix. He wanted now more of my time, even if I didn't have it and was planting guilt in a place of my consent. He tested and ignored my boundaries. When I said no, he dismissed it. And I would say no to times that did not work for me or that were not appropriate. And I'm not going to go down the path of what's not appropriate. But they were not appropriate. But my no became something that he wanted to negotiate rather than just simply respect. He tied sex to his emotional well being. A lot of men do this, but he would say things like, I'm sad, I always desire you, I just want you. And this would always be in texts. These words mix flattery with a lot of pressure because the subtext was clear. If you love me, you'll fix this. If you don't, you don't care. And a lot of times that would come, like after a disagreement, after, because I in this relationship and I do talk about this a lot, like I did hold boundaries a lot, but that led to like him just amping up, escalating the coercion. And so these kinds of messages, or I'm sad or I'm this or I'm that or like I just need a slow f*** would come at times that were really not appropriate. Like 10:30am on a Tuesday when he's in a work meeting and so am I. And I look out down at my phone in the middle of a break and I'm like, Jesus Christ. Like that's the last thing on my mind right now. He would also really push me when I was busy or overwhelmed. Like it just felt like, it was like targeting vulnerable moments. And he would make comments like coming spelled that way over now. And they felt invasive and disruptive, like deliberately timed when I was like least able to resist him or like if I had like literally 10 minutes and I needed to like, you know, I don't know, drop something off or get something. And then it would be like, okay, you know, and then he would want to like have a moment and I'd be like, I. Like what I need is to like go to the bathroom and get water right now. And like a hug is great. Giving me the thing that I'm supposed to get right now is great. But like, why is this another time where I'm feeling pressured? Like, so it made me not want to have him come over midday anymore. It made me feel like I had to set these big boundaries to keep myself safe. And when I resisted, my rejection was always turned into a problem. Which of course led me to think, what am I doing to impact this? Rather than this is batshit crazy. His words like, oh, too bad, you know, made me feel like I'm being unreasonable or like, I just miss you, I just desire you. It was like my fault for saying no, but there was like so much obligation and relief. Love you so much. You're my everything. And it was constant love bombing. But this affection didn't feel genuine. It felt strategic to get me so stuck and coerced in to the relationship. And I talk about this a lot on the podcast about emotional coercion. So if you are wondering what some of the other underlying patterns are that led here or that were part of this, I recommend listening to that because I detail a lot of them. I don't mean to be unclear. I'm trying to keep this mostly on sexual coercion and unwanted touch. But I always felt pressured. It made me doubt myself and it created a dangerous cycle. He pushed, I resisted, he guilted me, and then he sued me with love. And then I felt responsible for having sex again. The ignoring my boundaries was really clear. I would say no and he would push. And so boundaries are clear, verbal or non verbal indications of comfort, consent or refusal. And when someone says no, it's not an invitation to negotiate. Respect is respecting that boundary. It's a boundary and it deserves respect. And so when I said things like, no, I am working right now, I'm giving a very clear, valid reason, I'm busy, I can't engage in intimacy, it's either completely inappropriate or impossible. And he did not respect my no. Instead he responded with, oh, Too bad. Which felt like a dismissal of, you know, my refusal and that I was like disappointing him or tried to solve the problem. Is there anything I can do to clear up time for you today so you have time for me? And it's like a disregard for like the fact that like maybe I just don't want to or maybe like fitting in sex during my workday is not my priority or it's like just not where my head is. I work with people healing emotional abuse. I'm so focused throughout the day. The last thing that I'm thinking between the hours of 8 and 6pm Eastern is I'm gonna like, when am I gonna have sex again? Sex for me, especially in a long term relationship, it comes with safety. I'm a single mom. There's not. I don't have that much free time in the world but like when I do and like that time has been sabotaged by this person or like they are, you know, always like a endless stream of validation. I don't have the time and energy to be like, you know what, I'm just going to fit it in here. It's like, no, I want to protect my boundaries more because you're not respecting them. You don't respect the time that we have. Like we would like have, you know, date night or things like this. And that wasn't respected. So why do you think that you can also disrespect my boundaries? Why is this coercion? Because when somebody repeatedly pushes back against a no, they're not asking for your consent, they're trying to override it. They're saying your reasons don't matter. I've decided what's appropriate and I'll keep pressing you until you comply. A healthy response to a boundary like that sounds like, okay, I understand not ignoring an attempt to negotiate is, that's coercive and it's manipulative. I mentioned this before, but a lot of times people will link sadness to emotional emotions to intimacy. Sexual coercion is often used as emotional manipulation to make you feel responsible for the other person's well being. And he weaponized his emotions to pressure me into intimacy. On the surface he would like take responsibility. So it sounds like self blaming, but it's loaded with guilt. So when he said like, I'm sad and I wouldn't be sad if we were intimate or you could have prevented my sadness if things were different, he didn't directly say those things, but that was the implication underneath the messages. Because if it's like, even if I said Like, I don't want you to be sad. Like, it's totally okay. You know, like, I understand you felt this way. It would still be met with, but I want to have this time with you. And so you're left feeling guilty and obligated to, quote, unquote, make it up when he caused it. And in a healthy relationship, we don't link one person's sadness or emotional state to the other person's willingness to engage in sex. When someone uses their emotional pain as leverage to pressure you into intimacy, that is coercion. That's not love. When I refused, he dismissed my reasons constantly and suggested solutions and air quotes. When I gave reasons for saying no, my partner did not accept them. Instead, he tried to minimize and dismiss my concerns and offer fixes to get what he wanted. A lot of times this felt like he was invalidating the boundary I set. My concerns weren't acknowledged, and they were treated as obstacles that could be solved. This sends a message that over time, over and over, my no isn't final. And it felt that way. It felt like if I said no, it was like a toddler, right? Like, if I tell my kid, no, you can't get this, she escalates. If I say, no, you can't. Like, no, we're not going. I mean, this happened yesterday. No, we're not going to the American Girl store. Your behavior is not in a place where you can do that. You didn't earn that. Well, why? And then, like, it just continues and it gets worse and escalates. But that's what this felt like. My note wasn't final. It's something that can be negotiated and worked around. This is coercion. Because minimizing refusals strips away at my agency. Instead of just accepting the decision that I made, my partner would frame his desire as something reasonable, and that deserves compromise. And this left me feeling like I had to defend my boundaries or find new excuses to justify them. A healthy partner would hear the no and respect it. And if they really felt like we hadn't connected in a while sexually, or that, like, he wanted to kind of address and see, like, how we were not on the same page, they'd come to you with that concern and talk about it. Sex was also repeatedly brought up when I was busy, when I was distracted, like I said, when I was vulnerable. Persistent pressure exploits my exhaustion. Like, exploits my exhaustion in this case, because that's what I would say. Instead of respecting my boundaries, he just kept nudging, basically saying, like, I'm gonna keep asking Till I get what I want. Coercion does not rely on force, but it's these persistent efforts to wear you down. And then they mix guilt, flattery, and affection to make you feel obligated. You feel guilty when you disappoint them. You feel invalidated because they ignore your boundaries. And you feel confused because of, like, the sudden affection. But this is not healthy intimacy. Healthy intimacy is built on mutual consent and respect, not obligation and guilt. When someone mixes affection with pressure, they're blurring the lines between love and manipulation. That's a strategy to disarm you emotionally. It's emotional coercion. So you keep feeling guilty for refusing, but you're comforted when you comply. So at its core, sexual coercion is about making somebody feel pressured to say yes, guilty for saying no, and obligated to meet another person's sexual quote, unquote needs. So if your partner is there and they are ignoring your boundaries, they are creating guilt. Framing intimacy as a solution, minimizing your refusal, or treating it as negotiable, being persistent to pressure you, engaging in emotional manipulation. These are all ways that sexual coercion does not require force. It can be sound, soft, apologetic, or even come across as loving, but the intent is the same. It's to pressure you, manipulate you, and guilt you into sex when you don't want it. That behavior is not about connection. It's not about love. They're attempting to gain access to you and access to sex on their terms, regardless of how you feel. A lot of times, this is also built on entitlement. They feel entitled to intimacy, and when they don't get it, they react with guilt, persistence, and more manipulation. And that's not about misunderstandings or miscommunication. It's about a deliberate pattern designed to wear you down. Your no is not enough. Whether it's spoken, implied, or unspoken, their behavior continues to prove that they don't respect it. And so what I didn't understand at the time I was going through all of this was that how that was so deeply affecting me. My body was responding to years of boundary violations from other people, other things. And it was warning me that I felt unsafe. The flinching, the pulling away, the. The instinct to shut down. It wasn't me being cold or distant or traumatized, as is often used against me. It was my body trying to protect me. And the bottom line is anyone reading this or listening to this recognizes these patterns. You are not overreacting. Sexual coercion is harmful. It thrives in silence. Your no is still valid and your boundaries are valid. And you do deserve to be able to be with somebody who that respects your autonomy. Coercion is not miscommunication, it's control. You're not responsible for fixing anybody else's emotional state, especially at the cost of your own safety. And I know a lot of people here have recognized this and they've seen it and it matters. Your feelings matter. That's why I'm sort of, you know, trying to share to go and look at some of these post because I think it could be really validating. So I actually want to end with some more comments that came in One comment described how even illness wasn't enough to earn respect. Imagine being diagnosed with cancer, going through major surgery and chemo, and him playing the victim because his wife wouldn't put out. This is another one. While I was doing chemo for breast cancer, Max left a notepad in the dining room table and on it he had written sex three times a week. I was like, you realize I'm currently literally toxic, fighting for my life, right? The audacity of these demands, especially during moments of such immense illness and vulnerability, it just reveals how deeply entitlement runs. Others shared how their boundaries were ignored even when they were asleep. Coercion and force were the norm for five years until I left him. My ex would injure me while I slept and got mad if I didn't wake up. He'd also got mad when I woke up and stopped him. Another said mine would keep me awake screaming at me because of my refusal until he had just forced it. I only had a baby three weeks ago. Another said, when I told him I was tired and he wanted sex, why couldn't he understand that and just be okay with it? Instead, he made me feel guilty over and over. And then there was this one comment that really captured the absurdity of men who believe sex is the solution to everything. Every time a woman is going through a trying situation, you can literally be sick and drained, hurting, and they're standing there offering you a bowl of d*** as treatment, sprained your ankle, lost a parent, need help, therapy. Here's sex, morning, day and night, and you'll be all right in no time. And while that one of course laced in humor, the underlying message is so clear and devastating. Men are conditioned to see sex as something women owe them and that it's something that will make everything better regardless of their needs, emotions, or physical health. So I want to actually touch on that quickly because a reoccurring theme in responses was the question of whether sex is a need. Some commenters push back on the framing. If you can survive without it, it's not a need. Food, air, water, those are needs. Sex is not on that list. Another person wrote back to somebody who was pushing back and said, you will not die if you don't have sex. Despite this, so many survivors shared how their partners act as though sex was an unquestionable requirement, weaponizing needs as if they were also going to go do something else to get the need met. And this pattern weaponizes guilt. It also disregards boundaries. It creates entitlement through pressuring and vulnerability and creating control through obligation. And the voices of these survivors, alongside what I shared with you, highlight the quiet academic of sexual coercion. It's a form of abuse that goes unnamed, normalized by cultural narratives that tell women their role to meet their partner's needs at any cost. If you are listening to this, you're not alone and the harm that you experienced is real, your discomfort is valid and your boundaries really do matter. You don't owe anybody your body, you don't need to carry the weight of somebody else's emotions, and your no is enough. Sexual coordination thrives in silence and by beginning to understand the patterns and the specific behaviors in your situation can really help. I have shared Natalie's website and her substack in my show notes as well as the two podcasts we did on this. They can be immensely helpful and if you feel like you need more support, I'd really encourage you to reach out and seek it. You can reach out to me. You can reach out for resources online. BTR.org also talks a lot about sexual coercion and I think the more that we acknowledge it, that we keep ourselves safe and that we stop engaging in behaviors, the better it will be. Remember, if you need support, you could always reach out to me at jessicaessica and I coaching.com motionalabuse coach.com or on Instagram motionalabuse Coach.