Navigating Breakups

This episode breaks down why conventional breakup rules don’t apply when you’re dealing with manipulation, control, and gaslighting, and offers guidance on how to reclaim your boundaries, your sanity, and your life. By focusing on patterns over promises, I provide tangible steps to help you break free from the emotional tug-of-war and start taking back control. 

Whether you’ve experienced emotional abuse firsthand or are just looking for clarity around unhealthy relationship dynamics, this episode equips you with the tools to heal and move forward. 

Transcript

Welcome to the You're Not Crazy podcast hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others, and heal the relationship with yourself so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content, and coaching at emotionalabusecoach.com.

Hello and as always, thank you so much for being here. Today's topic is one that I think about a lot, and a lot of my focus has always been on trying to understand and explain this better. But my hope today is that if you feel crazy, this will help you.

I do have an ebook available on my website, emotionalabusecoach.com; it's also on Amazon if you want a printed version. If you just search my name, Jessica Knight, you can find it. The ebook essentially talks about today's topic: how to break up with a narcissist. It’s labeled that way, but it really means how to break up with a manipulative person or someone who doesn’t want to break up and seems to hate you while pushing every boundary to actually break up. That’s what we’re going to dive into today—how to break up with a toxic person and why it doesn’t feel like a normal breakup.

A lot of times people will imply that you need to follow the rules of a normal breakup. Now, I really don’t know what a normal breakup is. People have certainly gone through relationships that had more of a mutual end; I think we’ve also gone through breakups where the other party doesn’t want to talk to us, and we don’t want to talk to them, or there’s just a finality to it. But then there are these breakups with manipulative people—narcissists or those with Cluster B disorders—you can call it whatever you want—but it’s basically a breakup that never ends or doesn’t feel like an actual breakup. That’s what I want to dive into today.

Before I get started, as you know, you can find me on emotionalabusecoach.com. There are courses available; I do coaching as well as one-off coaching if you just want a single call. The courses include "Intro to Emotional Abuse," which helps figure out if you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. I also have some courses on divorce and what that looks like, as well as setting boundaries with manipulative people. You can also find me at highconflicdivorcecoaching.com and on my Substack, where I provide a lot of information and try to make it more of a membership page. The information on that is in my show notes, but you can go to Substack and type in Jessica Knight Coaching.

So when the rules don’t apply—breaking free from a toxic relationship—the rules of a normal breakup don’t apply. Again, anyone will describe what a normal breakup looks like in various ways, but there is no mutuality here; there’s no closure or getting to the end. You need to stop trying to put a bow on the mess and call it closure because you might not get it. This is not amicable; it's not at the end of a healthy relationship where mutual respect prevails.

If you're listening to this, you're likely questioning your worth and sanity because you're not dealing with someone who respects your boundaries or accountability or fairness. You’re dealing with someone who is fighting tooth and nail to keep control over the narrative involving you. When you have that sinking feeling that they’re just going to twist this around again, it’s not paranoia; it’s your instinct screaming at you.

If the pattern is gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and manipulation, then yes—you’re absolutely right to think that it's going to happen again. That’s why it feels so messy; there's no end that feels like an end. You've probably seen this play out before: they might say things like “I can't believe you're saying this” or “This isn't what you said yesterday,” even when you said exactly what you said yesterday.

They’ll claim things like “You made me feel like there was hope” because they heard something in what you said indicating hope but offered nothing realistic in return. By "hope," they mean maybe they would go to therapy or change their behavior—but then they didn’t or wouldn’t follow through. They want hope that's disconnected from reality.

They might say things like “I was just there for you when you went through this thing,” weaponizing your pain against you so that you feel indebted to them. This emotional whiplash from this dynamic is exhausting: one minute they're showering you with declarations of love; the next they're berating you for setting boundaries.

When you're finally ready to close the door—when you've reached the point where you've had enough—there's often still a tiny sliver of hope they show you that they might change or soften up by saying something you've wanted to hear for so long.

And if it doesn’t make sense, it's because it's not supposed to make sense. Their goal isn’t resolution; it's keeping you stuck in the cycle of manipulation.

Others in your life may say things like “This isn’t healthy” or “This isn’t how a breakup is supposed to happen.” But those so-called healthy breakup rules don’t work here either! I haven’t had many healthy breakups myself—certainly not many among those who listen here—but if we think about it, those breakups usually involve structure, mutual respect, time for grieving, eventual healing, maybe even future conversations providing closure.

Toxic relationships are built specifically to keep you stuck; healthy relationship breakup logic doesn’t work with toxic behavior. Trying to leave on good terms only leaves chances for your kindness being exploited and for getting back into the cycle.

Often their promises will mean nothing; they may offer change but their actions show otherwise. In a so-called healthy breakup, if someone wanted genuinely to work on themselves before returning for another chance at the relationship—they would give space—they would allow time apart before seeing how things stand again.

Setting boundaries feels impossible because they don't see them as boundaries—they see them as obstacles meant only for controlling you! If you say “Please don’t contact me; I need some space,” they will twist this around until it seems like you're weaponizing their healing while actively not allowing yourself any time alone.

This leaves you feeling as though you're playing an enormous chess game trying desperately strategize your next move—you've never experienced anything like this before! But they're playing an entirely different game altogether: their objective is simply winning—either winning control over the narrative regarding your breakup or winning back your affection simply because they crave control over everything else!

If they truly cared about your well-being then they'd examine their own behavior closely—they'd allow sufficient space for processing without causing confusion! They wouldn't follow up with financial concerns now owed back after once being overlooked altogether!

It's an emotional tug-of-war filled with confusion—why doesn't this feel right? Why do I feel guilty having any boundaries? Am I allowed boundaries? Why does he seem able even though I'm questioning myself constantly? That's manipulation at work designed specifically meant keep one doubting oneself!

Because you're someone who values kindness & fairness—it leads many into believing kindness could somehow change everything! But kindness cannot come at expense being cruel toward yourself!

Toxic partners don't just manipulate—they isolate too! Maybe through snide comments regarding friends/family members while convincing them all together don’t understand anything about them whatsoever! Guilt trips into spending all time together only serve purpose cutting off connections outside world offering perspective/support needed most during difficult times!

The goal here becomes making dependent upon them alone while questioning one's reality altogether! I've spoken previously about individuals berated by partners reaching out seeking support from friends/family members—as if discussing situation shouldn't even be allowed!

Controlling narrative inside head/narrative outside world becomes coercive—it isn't merely recognizing red flags anymore—it’s an entire parade full-blown red flags instead!

One thing worth noting: patterns always speak louder than promises! When caught within cycles easily latch onto hopeful proclamations such as “I've changed!” while asking ourselves do actions align words spoken?

Look back upon past history shared together asking ourselves what's truly changed since then? What stands out more prominently—the promises currently made now? Or patterns followed throughout entire relationship riddled manipulation/gaslighting/boundary violations?

These behaviors won't magically disappear overnight! It takes time changing habits established long ago—it requires effort/mindset shifts away from toxic dynamics toward healthier outlooks altogether!

You are healthy-minded individual listening currently attempting understand what's happening while wrestling reality knowing deep inside requires shifting perspective away from believing love conquers all toward recognizing unhealthy behaviors present instead!

Imagine feeling convinced rightfulness exists yet changing solely due external pressures imposed upon us—a struggle requiring significant adjustments indeed!

For example: consider drinking coffee every day throughout life until suddenly someone demands switching entirely tea instead! Such drastic shifts require serious re-evaluation forcing uncomfortable realizations along way too!

Is said toxic person willing endure discomfort without blaming YOU instead?

There exists considerable discourse surrounding concept 'no contact,' primarily advocating separating oneself from current situation enabling clearer thinking moving forward accordingly! 

If you've listened thus far wondering how begin breaking cycle—I wanted share some actionable steps regardless current stage journey embarked upon:

1) Set Boundaries Without Apologizing: Your boundaries aren't negotiable! If stating "I need tonight alone" simply assert without feeling guilty/defensive!
  
2) Focus On Patterns Over Words: Tempted believe empty promises? Instead remember past behaviors exhibited showing true intentions behind such declarations!

3) Reclaim Your Narrative: Write down actual narrative instead allowing theirs dominate thoughts/emotions experienced daily basis!

4) Reconnect With Support System: If isolation has been weaponized against reconnecting friends vital rebuilding connections lost during tumultuous times ahead!

5) Seek Professional Help If Needed: Coaches/therapists exist specifically working through scenarios similar assisting regaining sense self-worth ultimately restoring confidence moving forward positively thereafter!

Lastly remember—even after ending relationship fully aware why understanding remains elusive—the goodbye was when realizing promises meant nothing anymore! 

Understanding closure conversation isn't meant THEM—it’s solely FOR YOU! No matter what anyone says owe them absolutely NOTHING whatsoever regarding finality involved here either—this journey belongs exclusively YOU now! 

Breaking free from toxic relationships doesn't resemble tidy mutual happy goodbyes—instead messy/hard experiences filled uncertainties abound yet still valid desires wanting escape situations faced presently ahead nonetheless! 

Even though sitting drivers seat may seem impossible at times—I urge everyone listening start taking small steps towards reclaiming personal power each day moving forward steadily towards brighter horizons waiting beyond reach ahead eventually arriving safely homeward bound surely somewhere soon enough too!! 

For additional support please visit emotionalabusecoach.com anytime needed further assistance available always reach out anytime via email jessicaessicanightcoaching.com anytime preferred manner works best suited needs accordingly too!!