High-Conflict Divorce and Co-Parenting

This episode takes a deep dive into the realities of co-parenting and divorcing a high-conflict person. I answer some of the most common questions I hear from survivors—like how to handle manipulation of your child, what to do when the other parent lies about you, what parallel parenting really looks like, and how to survive smear campaigns and legal abuse.

You’ll hear the patterns I see over and over again in these cases—fake “redemption arcs,” crisis creation before court, love-bombing during divorce, and more—and how to recognize them without getting hooked. This isn’t legal advice; it’s strategy, grounded in lived experience and years of coaching people through the marathon of high-conflict divorce and post-separation abuse.

If you’re navigating chaos, this episode will help you see the landscape more clearly, name what’s happening, and start building your own counter-strategy centered on your safety, your sanity, and your long-term peace.

Transcript

 Hello, and thank you for. Being here before we dive in, I wanna go through the fine print and share how we can work together, because healing from this kind of pain takes a lot more than time. It takes the right kind of support. I work with people entangling themselves from emotionally abusive relationships, abusive relationships, course of control, trauma bonds, high conflict co-parenting dynamics.

And if you're at the beginning of the, and wondering what divorce would look like, they offer one-on-one coaching at every stage. If you're still in the relationship, if you're unsure, if it's abuse, if you know it's abuse, but you're having trouble understanding what that looks like or if it what to do with it, I can help you name what's happening.

Start setting boundaries that work for you and figure out what you need. If you're thinking about leaving, we'll explore what that might look like in a grounded and personalized way. If you're navigating divorce, or custody or co-parenting with a high conflict person, I can help you document, strategize, and stay emotionally anchored, especially when you're being gaslit, discredited, and re-traumatized by the legal system.

If you've already left and you're stuck in the trauma bond, or if you've been discarded and struggling to feel like yourself again, I can help you rebuild self trust and reconnect with your own nervous system in a way that actually feels doable. Everything I do is highly personalized. I don't walk you through a one size fits all program.

I listen, I reflect, and I guide you based on what you are facing right now. And some people work with me. Through a one-time validation call, which is offered on my website where we zero in on what issue you're struggling with and start to untangle it together. Others work with me on a weekly or biweekly basis depending on what's going on in your specific situation.

And this is especially helpful when healing from emotional abuse and also in divorce. If you're curious about starting, I offer a $25 intro call, which if you listen to my older episodes, I call it a clarity, call it, it used to be free, and I talk about it at a later episode, but really a lot of people were, um, no showing to those calls, and that was taking away time from.

Clients that clients I do work one-on-one with, and so if we move forward, I just take that fee and apply it to your first session. That intro call is just for us to get on the same page. You can share what's going on for you, and I can share how I might be able to help. I only take a limited number of those calls per month because one-on-one coaching is the core of my work.

Out of all these offerings that I have, one-on-one coaching is the thing that I do. Most, and I do it six days a week, most of the time, five to six days a week. And so if my calendar looks full, and if there's not a time that you can get in, you can email me at jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com. And I always try and make space where I can.

And I may also always have a few openings from one-on-one client reschedules. You can also explore self-paced courses and toolkits at Jessica Knight Think com, including divorcing a Narcissist 1 0 1 and the Emotional Abuse Breakthrough Course. I have a documentation course and my new signature program, unhooked, which is a private podcast and course that walks through the full cycle of abuse, helps you in your relationship and how.

See what it really is that you're going through. If you want ongoing support in a more flexible way, you could always check out my substack at Jessica Knight at substack com. Each month I focus on a different theme from trauma bonding to divorce, to cluster B, to sexual coercion, to emotional abuse, to toxic breakups.

Those are just some from this year. Paid get access to monthly deep dives, master classes, q and as strategy kits, and I'm working on some more group options. There is also a free option and a monthly option, so please head over to substack. The link is in my show notes. You also can just search Jessica night coaching and I'll come up.

Everything that I create is meant to help my coaching, my writing, my courses, this podcast. It's built around the one truth that you're not crazy. You are conditioned to doubt your reality, and we want to help you change that and understand what you're going through. If you like this podcast, the best thing that you can do is subscribe and rate the episode five stars.

You can find me on my websites emotional abuse coach com and high conflict divorce coaching com. All of the offerings that I just mentioned are also in the show notes below. Now, let's get to the episode.

This podcast is going to be a bit different because I know that a lot of people have questions about co-parenting and divorcing a high conflict person and what. You need to know. And so, so many people write in questions. And so I've compiled some of them that have been quite consistent and that I think I'm gonna do my best to answer.

And I want you to know that this is not legal advice, this is strategy. Everything that I say is meant for educational purposes. It's not meant to tell you that this is the one way that something can work or something can happen, and. I highly recommend that you get individualized support. If you don't work with me, I suggest you work with somebody.

It can really, really be a game changer for your case. But I, as I go through these questions, you're gonna probably notice that I'm not as, maybe there's not like a central theme or that, you know, I, I, every time I answer questions that are sort of like one-offs, I tend to. Give a story or an example. So I'm gonna do my best here because I think this is important and I'm trying to organize time so that I can do a second podcast every week.

One on high conflict divorce, because I would say about 50% of my clients right now are all in high conflict divorce situations, and. I know I do this work because I know what it's like to live it. And so before I dive in, there's actually one more quick thing that I wanted to say and this has been just been happening a bit more frequently, and I mentioned this on another podcast.

I, when people email me questions about their specific case and then write out what their case. Like, you know, the details of their case. I, I will be honest with you. I want to be able to respond and help you and help guide you through it. But there's two things. One, I have to respect, like the coaching container that I have with my clients and that, you know, they are paying for that.

And as much as I want to respond, and I do typically respond with something. I really can't get into like the detailed analysis because that brings me to 0.2. It'd be highly irresponsible for me to reply and to give you a strategy answer without knowing you, your case, the nuance, what has been filed, what the patterns of behavior have been.

It would be really irresponsible and I can misguide you, and so I do my best to point you to a resource if there is one that you can go to, but. If you are listening to this and you're like, well, I sent that question at one point. I just want you to know that I wish, honestly, I wish that the family court system worked differently and that if I said, oh, you just have to do this, this, and this, that, it made sense.

But everything is so highly personal and it's highly specific, and it's related to the state that you're in and the country that you're in, and the judge that you have and the what has happened so far. That I am not going to put you or your family at risk by giving you a quick response. And like my clients know that.

I always say, this is what I'm thinking, but you need to verify this with your lawyer. But from a strategy perspective, this is what I'm thinking. And so, you know, because what we're dealing with isn't just like a difficult breakup or a difficult divorce or a communication issue. It's about surviving strategic, weaponized chaos.

That's what this is. It's from a toxic controlling person that unleashes. It's the moment they feel they're losing grip on you. And often survivors are left feeling isolated, doubting themselves and confused because society and legal system and even well meaning professionals don't understand a calculated, vicious and systematic, a lot of the abuses.

And so I'm gonna go into some of these questions. And so my hope is that you can recognize the landscape that you're navigating. How do I protect my child from their manipulation is one of the questions I get all the time. And the answer is that you can't. You can do your best, but at the end of the day, if they have visitation, you really can't stop it.

But what you can do is build your child's internal compass. You can't stop the abuser from lying. Or manipulating, but you can teach your child how to recognize the truth, how they can recognize safety and emotional honesty, and being really resilient with them. You know, you're probably experiencing a lot of dysregulation when they come back and it might feel like, oh my God, like my kid goes there and comes back a psycho.

But the more that you do to work on your side of the street and your level of patience, your. Emotional availability, your emotional maturity, your problem solving, the more that that your child is gonna be influenced by it. Like I can tell you that at this point, my child's eight, I have tried every single thing when she comes back dysregulated, and some days I'm better than others.

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm perfect all the time because I'm not. And sometimes the time that she's away, I am trying to regulate myself so that I can show up for whatever comes. But my suggestion to you is always work on your side of the street. What's in your four walls? What the, what are the rules for your home and what does safety look like and what does emotional safety look like?

'cause it doesn't mean being buttoned up and perfect. It means that emotional safety is, is sometimes messy. If you are really struggling with the course of control aspect of this, because manipulation abuse is all course of control, I highly recommend checking out Dr. Christine's protective parents course.

I will put her link in the show notes so that you can reach it. She was on the podcast a few months back. She's an amazing resource for how to work with your kids on this and how to be present for them. What do I say when the other parent lies about me? I would validate your child's feelings without bashing the other parent.

And sometimes I think it's about steady truth telling. You know, for my daughter, I say, you know, in our house we tell the truth even when it's hard. And if you tell the truth, uh, you're not going to get in trouble. Like, there's not gonna be like a consequence for something bad that you did unless it's like super egregious, you know, like I broke every plate in the kitchen, you know, cabinet, she, she wouldn't do that, but.

But you know, like, oh, I said this bad word at school and I got in trouble and I lied and said I didn't say it and, but I said it. Okay. Thank you for telling me the truth. You know, sometimes when she is experiencing lies from the other home, what she, it like, sometimes I'm like in an, you know, I'm getting berated over something that's like, approvable, like the amount of time to get from one destination to the other.

You know, I'll actively ignore and I'll calmly respond. And then if that doesn't work, then I'll be like, I just don't think so. Or like, oh, I'm open to, you know, two perspectives. But then sometimes she's like really fighting to like get the answer. And if it's provable, I'll typically like, wait a bit. And then I'll be like, well, you know, actually like Google has the answer to this.

And then like, I'll look it up and I'll be like, it says that it's four and a half hours and you're saying it's two and a half, but I'm gonna guess that Google. Is right on this one, but if it's two and a half, that's fine. Or maybe for you it's two and a half, but for me it's four and a half to get to point A from point A to point B, you know?

And then she'll be like, but wait, is it actually, you know, so, but I like, I don't do it immediately. I'm not, and I never say like, you know, you lied to. But what I say is I think there's an answer to this. And it's frustrating because I just wish that. You know, kids were told, I, I believe that kids were told the truth.

Kids that believe that they can tell their parents the truth. Like I think about like the longevity of that a lot of the time of, I always want her to tell me the truth, even when it sucks. I want to be that parent. I want to be so emotionally present for her and that, especially as she enters her teen years.

And so I would think about that as the lies. They don't really have longevity, but the safety that you create does, and that's what I would focus on is the how can you make yourself a safe space, but also if there are lies, you know, or if there like get strategic in how you respond to them. You know, I have a client.

She's basically like, I mean, actually instead of using that example, I'm gonna give a different one. How many times I hear people say, I can't buy that for you because your mom takes all my money. I hear it all the time. Then kids start to resent their parent because they can't get the candy they want on that day because mom takes all my money according to them.

And so if the narrative then becomes that's not, well, first of all, that's not true, but. That is the rules of divorce, and you just stay very steady. Sometimes that helps. Instead of saying like, well, he's a liar, you know, like I, uh, or something like that. Another question that I get asked a lot is, what does parallel parenting really look like?

And my answer for you is that it is very. Specific to your situation, but it's only sharing things on a need to know basis. You wanna treat it like, like a hostile business relationship? Minimal contact, rigid boundaries. No emotion, everything in writing. No flexibility. No flexibility equals no entry point for abuse.

I would suggest looking at your situation and what you're communicating and probably releasing the need to get a response on the communications. If you are leaning into parallel parenting, you're in charge of your time, not their, not their time. If they refuse to bring a kid to baseball, 'cause it falls on theirs days, you only are bringing them on your days unless there's a provision that they have to go on all the days.

But like you only control what you can control. Another question, and people word this a variety of different ways, but what they basically are saying is like, they keep using the kids to hurt me. What can I do? I want you to recognize that this is abuse by proxy. So keep your focus on giving your child emotional tools, safe spaces, and that clear sense of security, and that's being that safe person for them that they can't get anywhere else.

And get them into counseling or therapy so that they have a way to talk about it. If you can't get therapy outside. Due to a court order, ask the school counselor to begin to meet with your kid. And if that's weaponized, then like I would probably try and see if you can bring them to a support group or something, or if you can bring them somewhere in your time, as long as it's allowed in your court order.

But give them a place to speak so that they don't internalize it, and for you to see that it's just, this is how that person is controlling. But by not responding to it, not reacting to it, you actually begin to starve them of that control. And so a lot of people get frustrated because they think that everyone thinks that they're a good parent, right?

When this person is out in the world, 'cause they're, they have their mask back on, how can I survive the smear campaign? And so smear campaigns are confessions, they're projections, they're not attacks, they're terrified of who you are when you are free. They're terrified that this isn't affecting you. Like you're not sitting around sad and you're sitting around angry and frustrated and like wanting to slam your head through a wall, which is different than sad and remorseful, but you build credibility when you're consistent and through documentation and like really grounding yourself.

And when my daughter first entered kindergarten, I was the only single parent in kindergarten. There's three kindergarten classes and I was the only one. And now there's like five, you know? And I'm sure as time goes, there's going to be more. But I remember feeling like, you know, I don't know the ugly duckling, you know, 'cause I was the only, like the only one, I was also the only single parent at pre-K.

But then as time went on and like you sort of see how these people. Interact. And like sometimes you can think, oh, that person, like they, they seem like they're acting a little crazy about this or like that. And then, but then as time goes on, you really see who's the stable one, who's the consistent one, who's the one showing up to the events after the court order is, you know, final after the divorce is final, like the wheels fall off the bus.

It's inconsistent. They fall off the bus. They can't maintain the mask until the smear campaign dies. You just have to ride it out long enough because anybody can do a projection of change behavior if they're getting validation from it, but eventually. You know, it's gonna die out. And when that dies out, that's when the true colors really start to show.

But usually there's one person who's always been consistently themselves. And if they were upset, if they were angry, if they're frustrated, like that's okay. They're allowed to have emotions as they're going through a divorce, you know, and nobody remembers that. They remember. Who have they seen, who has been consistent for their child?

Is there any hope for peace is a question I get often like as in will this end. The answer is probably not to be honest with you, but you can create peace within yourself and within your home. You can learn about post-separation abuse. You can set really firm boundaries, especially after you're divorced and you can build a life that.

You're not arguing with them in your head every day, but it takes time. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of inner work. I, a long time ago, told a story on here about how I spent probably an entire year arguing with him in my head while I was sitting on the beach with my kid because I just couldn't break out of it.

And when I'm there and I'm at with her on the beach, I now, I don't do that. And that feels. Really freeing and, but I will say this is that, and you know, you are of course free to take what resonates and leave what doesn't. But you're always gonna be this kid's parent. And when I think about my kid, I'm always gonna be her mom.

I'm gonna be her mom far past 18, but there's gonna be things that I have to support her through. I'm confident in that. And so. You know, at one point things are going to shift and maybe we're not bound by a court order, you know, so it will be a little bit different. But what I will be bound by is I'm always gonna be her mom and I'm always gonna support her.

And it doesn't mean that it's always gonna be easy. It's probably not going to be, and I don't know what that's gonna look like, and I'm not gonna project out what that might be. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's just. Being her mom, you know? But I don't think there will ever be peace. If you're in a high complex situation, it probably will always be a bit of a wave and go up and down.

A lot of people will ask me, how do I protect myself against legal abuse? And the short answer to that is continue to keep documentation even after court cases have ended and closed. However, really get a lawyer that understands, get a divorce coach that understands and really starve them of like the emotional game, even when it feels impossible, especially when it feels impossible.

Because if you're not giving them anything to abuse you with legally. Then it's going to appear as like egregious. And if you are being abused legally, that's kind of what you want. You want them, if they're gonna keep filing things in court, make them have to show that it makes sense when it, when it doesn't, it just doesn't make sense.

Right. And a lot of times a lawyer is not gonna wanna go in and defend. A client that's filing something for nothing. Like I can't tell you how many contempts I've seen get filed over nothing. Or like contempts get filed over agreements. Like I know now that Christmas time is like a super busy time for me in my role because so many people are filing holiday motions and having to go in and fight and make agreements and argue, and it's like.

Just really stay really firm, you know, and track it, predict it, but continue to document the patterns of behavior. I'm gonna answer one more question and I am just gonna say that I know that there's a lot more questions. If you have questions, you can absolutely write them to me at jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com.

I use the same email from an older, where I was originally coaching. But my divorce website is high conflict divorce coaching.com. And so if you have more questions, I know I'm just sort of skating, you know the surface, but I want you email them in. If they're like podcasts, ask questions I and I'll save them.

The last one I'm going to ask is, I mean, answer is, I don't even wanna answer this one, I'll be honest, because this is so highly specific, but I'm gonna do it anyway. They're trying to take the kids. What Now? I've got asked that in like a million different ways. I'm gonna say this. This is highly specific to your case.

I am even hesitant to answer this on this podcast. It is highly specific for your case and if that you're in that situation. What I do with people is I really get down to the details of what is going on, what documentation do you have? What is the history? What does this look like? What are the con concerns?

Is there, you know. What is the pattern of abuse? However, I will say they don't want the kids. They want you to be controlled, right? So document, document, document. Save the receipts, get aligned with somebody who knows what is going on and how to help you and prepare for the long strategic marathon.

Because it's a marathon, it's not a sprint. And if you really will want to clean up your side of the street. Your communications, how you present, what issues or issues, how you create contrast, because that begins to show contrast to the court. But it's a long game. There's no one answer, and the answer is not get a custody evaluator on the case.

It's not more professionals and more things, unless, unless that will specifically serve you. So there's my resistant answer to the question. And so I wanna end actually with something that I pulled together before, and it's the patterns that I see over and over in these cases. And so these, this is just a drop in the barrel, but I thought it would be helpful to name some of them so that you can see where you are in the cycle.

And so I wrote out the patterns that I see of and like kind of name them on the things that tend to happen and how they tend to show up. And so we have the concerned quote unquote abuser. They're suddenly really worried about your mental health, really worried about like if you're taking care of yourself, but it's just a weapon.

It's just another way that it's a weapon they're really concerned about, and it's like they're concerned about themselves and that's what they should focus on rather than trying to create a narrative out of you. You'll notice that they'll start to weaponize those things. I also see this, I kind of touched on this before with the whole Christmas thing, but like crisis creation before court dates and it's manufactured drama to destabilize you and so it's that they are escalating.

More communications trying to paint a narrative that they don't have before court dates. So don't bite the hook. If you're getting a lot of egregious messages, work with the coach or your, your attorney and how to respond to them, especially if they're coming in right before court because you know they're trying to create a narrative.

They will also hijack your kids' reality. Like there's like these subtle manipulations designed to discredit you. And so just be conscious of it. Just be conscious of what they're saying. You know, I think that. Over time, kids start to figure out the bullshit and figure out what's not. And it's awful. Like they should be able to just be kids, but the more that maybe you don't react to them when they come up, but maybe just help guide your child towards reality, the more it will help.

This other thing they do is like quote unquote reasonable traps and it's like offers that seem fair but are designed to reassert control. So it'll be like. Hi, so I know I'm, you know, I asked for this weekend and it's your parenting time, but instead of giving you like the next one, which would be the fair thing, and we'll just close this out in a month, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna offer you one, three months in advance.

'cause I'm actually not gonna be in town. It's like, that's why they trap themselves as they, uh, like trying to come across reasonable, right? Because like a judge or fresh eyes reading that might be like, oh, well they offered you a switch. It's like, yeah, they offered me a switch for when they needed childcare.

Right? That's not the switch. I want the switch. I, I will take them on that day too, but what I want is to not go three weekends in a row without parenting time or like, this is what we agreed to previously and now they're trying to be reasonable. Like so many of these. Parenting plans have like a, you need to exchange dates by the state clause in it for summer vacation.

You know, parent one always in on time. Parent two does it later and then is trying to manipulate it and change your dates. So it's like, and they're like, oh, well it's just like one switch. It's like, no, you're literally trying to change the vacation that I have first right to pick this year. And I'm saying no, and you're telling me I'm being controlling.

I'm just saying no. 'cause like last year when this happened, I didn't even think to ask you about switching dates with you. Right? So be aware of they're trying to come across as so, so reasonable. Don't bite the hook. There's a lot of times, you know, love bombing during divorce and so that's another pattern where there's like cruelty and affection cycling to keep you hooked and it makes you really thrown off.

Like I can't tell you how many times. I've experienced it or a client has where you get a nice message and you're like, oh wait. It's like, I don't know, like this, did the moon and the stars and the sun like all aligned today? Is it a solar eclipse? Like, you know, is mercury in the microwave? Like what changed from yesterday when I was an asshole?

To you apparently for asking you a question and then like. It happens all the time, and it's like that intermittent reinforcement of like, sometimes I'll be reasonable, but a lot of times, honestly, it's because they want something. And so just be mindful of, you know, if that's happening or if you're falling into these traps, because a lot of people do, and then they feel really disoriented and thrown off if it switches back again.

So you could just notice the pattern, like it's just a wave, you know? It goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down. But you can't stick to any of it. It's more like you have to just keep going. The last one that I will touch on is these like fake redemption arcs. When sudden therapy religion growth are all designed to manipulate outcomes, like they are all of a sudden lost weight, they all of a sudden are eating healthy, they all of a sudden are showing up to all your kids' sports games.

It's this fake redemption arc. But notice it's an arc, right? It's like it goes up and then it's gonna go back down again. So it really frustrates a lot of people 'cause they're like, now they couldn't show up or answer an email when we were in, when we were married for 20 years, but now, and so just see it for what it is.

It's a performance. If you are currently in the middle of this nightmare, or if you're helping someone survive it, I really want you to understand this, that the patterns you're seeing are real and they're predictable, they're strategic, and it's absolutely not your fault. But once you start to recognize the playbook, you really can start building your own counter strategy.

And that strategy centers your safety, your sanity, and your long-term piece. And so if you need support. You always can reach out to me for divorce coaching at high conflict divorce coaching.com. My link is in the show notes and I have two courses, divorcing Narcissist 1 0 1 and documentation for Family Court.

And like I said, I work with people all the time. I take all my experience and my training, but also different various strategies that I've helped people come up with to help you specifically. So if you do need support, please reach out. But I hope this was helpful, and like I said, if there's more questions that you have for future episodes, please send them in.

 Welcome to the You Are Not Crazy Podcast hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes. And healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others, and heal the relationship with yourself so you can learn to love in a healthy way.

You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content, and coaching@emotionalabusecoach.com.

Hello, and thank you for. Being here before we dive in, I wanna go through the fine print and share how we can work together, because healing from this kind of pain takes a lot more than time. It takes the right kind of support. I work with people entangling themselves from emotionally abusive relationships, abusive relationships, course of control, trauma bonds, high conflict co-parenting dynamics.

And if you're at the beginning of the, and wondering what divorce would look like, they offer one-on-one coaching at every stage. If you're still in the relationship, if you're unsure, if it's abuse, if you know it's abuse, but you're having trouble understanding what that looks like or if it what to do with it, I can help you name what's happening.

Start setting boundaries that work for you and figure out what you need. If you're thinking about leaving, we'll explore what that might look like in a grounded and personalized way. If you're navigating divorce, or custody or co-parenting with a high conflict person, I can help you document, strategize, and stay emotionally anchored, especially when you're being gaslit, discredited, and re-traumatized by the legal system.

If you've already left and you're stuck in the trauma bond, or if you've been discarded and struggling to feel like yourself again, I can help you rebuild self trust and reconnect with your own nervous system in a way that actually feels doable. Everything I do is highly personalized. I don't walk you through a one size fits all program.

I listen, I reflect, and I guide you based on what you are facing right now. And some people work with me. Through a one-time validation call, which is offered on my website where we zero in on what issue you're struggling with and start to untangle it together. Others work with me on a weekly or biweekly basis depending on what's going on in your specific situation.

And this is especially helpful when healing from emotional abuse and also in divorce. If you're curious about starting, I offer a $25 intro call, which if you listen to my older episodes, I call it a clarity, call it, it used to be free, and I talk about it at a later episode, but really a lot of people were, um, no showing to those calls, and that was taking away time from.

Clients that clients I do work one-on-one with, and so if we move forward, I just take that fee and apply it to your first session. That intro call is just for us to get on the same page. You can share what's going on for you, and I can share how I might be able to help. I only take a limited number of those calls per month because one-on-one coaching is the core of my work.

Out of all these offerings that I have, one-on-one coaching is the thing that I do. Most, and I do it six days a week, most of the time, five to six days a week. And so if my calendar looks full, and if there's not a time that you can get in, you can email me at jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com. And I always try and make space where I can.

And I may also always have a few openings from one-on-one client reschedules. You can also explore self-paced courses and toolkits at Jessica Knight Think com, including divorcing a Narcissist 1 0 1 and the Emotional Abuse Breakthrough Course. I have a documentation course and my new signature program, unhooked, which is a private podcast and course that walks through the full cycle of abuse, helps you in your relationship and how.

See what it really is that you're going through. If you want ongoing support in a more flexible way, you could always check out my substack at Jessica Knight at substack com. Each month I focus on a different theme from trauma bonding to divorce, to cluster B, to sexual coercion, to emotional abuse, to toxic breakups.

Those are just some from this year. Paid get access to monthly deep dives, master classes, q and as strategy kits, and I'm working on some more group options. There is also a free option and a monthly option, so please head over to substack. The link is in my show notes. You also can just search Jessica night coaching and I'll come up.

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You can find me on my websites emotional abuse coach com and high conflict divorce coaching com. All of the offerings that I just mentioned are also in the show notes below. Now, let's get to the episode.

This podcast is going to be a bit different because I know that a lot of people have questions about co-parenting and divorcing a high conflict person and what. You need to know. And so, so many people write in questions. And so I've compiled some of them that have been quite consistent and that I think I'm gonna do my best to answer.

And I want you to know that this is not legal advice, this is strategy. Everything that I say is meant for educational purposes. It's not meant to tell you that this is the one way that something can work or something can happen, and. I highly recommend that you get individualized support. If you don't work with me, I suggest you work with somebody.

It can really, really be a game changer for your case. But I, as I go through these questions, you're gonna probably notice that I'm not as, maybe there's not like a central theme or that, you know, I, I, every time I answer questions that are sort of like one-offs, I tend to. Give a story or an example. So I'm gonna do my best here because I think this is important and I'm trying to organize time so that I can do a second podcast every week.

One on high conflict divorce, because I would say about 50% of my clients right now are all in high conflict divorce situations, and. I know I do this work because I know what it's like to live it. And so before I dive in, there's actually one more quick thing that I wanted to say and this has been just been happening a bit more frequently, and I mentioned this on another podcast.

I, when people email me questions about their specific case and then write out what their case. Like, you know, the details of their case. I, I will be honest with you. I want to be able to respond and help you and help guide you through it. But there's two things. One, I have to respect, like the coaching container that I have with my clients and that, you know, they are paying for that.

And as much as I want to respond, and I do typically respond with something. I really can't get into like the detailed analysis because that brings me to 0.2. It'd be highly irresponsible for me to reply and to give you a strategy answer without knowing you, your case, the nuance, what has been filed, what the patterns of behavior have been.

It would be really irresponsible and I can misguide you, and so I do my best to point you to a resource if there is one that you can go to, but. If you are listening to this and you're like, well, I sent that question at one point. I just want you to know that I wish, honestly, I wish that the family court system worked differently and that if I said, oh, you just have to do this, this, and this, that, it made sense.

But everything is so highly personal and it's highly specific, and it's related to the state that you're in and the country that you're in, and the judge that you have and the what has happened so far. That I am not going to put you or your family at risk by giving you a quick response. And like my clients know that.

I always say, this is what I'm thinking, but you need to verify this with your lawyer. But from a strategy perspective, this is what I'm thinking. And so, you know, because what we're dealing with isn't just like a difficult breakup or a difficult divorce or a communication issue. It's about surviving strategic, weaponized chaos.

That's what this is. It's from a toxic controlling person that unleashes. It's the moment they feel they're losing grip on you. And often survivors are left feeling isolated, doubting themselves and confused because society and legal system and even well meaning professionals don't understand a calculated, vicious and systematic, a lot of the abuses.

And so I'm gonna go into some of these questions. And so my hope is that you can recognize the landscape that you're navigating. How do I protect my child from their manipulation is one of the questions I get all the time. And the answer is that you can't. You can do your best, but at the end of the day, if they have visitation, you really can't stop it.

But what you can do is build your child's internal compass. You can't stop the abuser from lying. Or manipulating, but you can teach your child how to recognize the truth, how they can recognize safety and emotional honesty, and being really resilient with them. You know, you're probably experiencing a lot of dysregulation when they come back and it might feel like, oh my God, like my kid goes there and comes back a psycho.

But the more that you do to work on your side of the street and your level of patience, your. Emotional availability, your emotional maturity, your problem solving, the more that that your child is gonna be influenced by it. Like I can tell you that at this point, my child's eight, I have tried every single thing when she comes back dysregulated, and some days I'm better than others.

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm perfect all the time because I'm not. And sometimes the time that she's away, I am trying to regulate myself so that I can show up for whatever comes. But my suggestion to you is always work on your side of the street. What's in your four walls? What the, what are the rules for your home and what does safety look like and what does emotional safety look like?

'cause it doesn't mean being buttoned up and perfect. It means that emotional safety is, is sometimes messy. If you are really struggling with the course of control aspect of this, because manipulation abuse is all course of control, I highly recommend checking out Dr. Christine's protective parents course.

I will put her link in the show notes so that you can reach it. She was on the podcast a few months back. She's an amazing resource for how to work with your kids on this and how to be present for them. What do I say when the other parent lies about me? I would validate your child's feelings without bashing the other parent.

And sometimes I think it's about steady truth telling. You know, for my daughter, I say, you know, in our house we tell the truth even when it's hard. And if you tell the truth, uh, you're not going to get in trouble. Like, there's not gonna be like a consequence for something bad that you did unless it's like super egregious, you know, like I broke every plate in the kitchen, you know, cabinet, she, she wouldn't do that, but.

But you know, like, oh, I said this bad word at school and I got in trouble and I lied and said I didn't say it and, but I said it. Okay. Thank you for telling me the truth. You know, sometimes when she is experiencing lies from the other home, what she, it like, sometimes I'm like in an, you know, I'm getting berated over something that's like, approvable, like the amount of time to get from one destination to the other.

You know, I'll actively ignore and I'll calmly respond. And then if that doesn't work, then I'll be like, I just don't think so. Or like, oh, I'm open to, you know, two perspectives. But then sometimes she's like really fighting to like get the answer. And if it's provable, I'll typically like, wait a bit. And then I'll be like, well, you know, actually like Google has the answer to this.

And then like, I'll look it up and I'll be like, it says that it's four and a half hours and you're saying it's two and a half, but I'm gonna guess that Google. Is right on this one, but if it's two and a half, that's fine. Or maybe for you it's two and a half, but for me it's four and a half to get to point A from point A to point B, you know?

And then she'll be like, but wait, is it actually, you know, so, but I like, I don't do it immediately. I'm not, and I never say like, you know, you lied to. But what I say is I think there's an answer to this. And it's frustrating because I just wish that. You know, kids were told, I, I believe that kids were told the truth.

Kids that believe that they can tell their parents the truth. Like I think about like the longevity of that a lot of the time of, I always want her to tell me the truth, even when it sucks. I want to be that parent. I want to be so emotionally present for her and that, especially as she enters her teen years.

And so I would think about that as the lies. They don't really have longevity, but the safety that you create does, and that's what I would focus on is the how can you make yourself a safe space, but also if there are lies, you know, or if there like get strategic in how you respond to them. You know, I have a client.

She's basically like, I mean, actually instead of using that example, I'm gonna give a different one. How many times I hear people say, I can't buy that for you because your mom takes all my money. I hear it all the time. Then kids start to resent their parent because they can't get the candy they want on that day because mom takes all my money according to them.

And so if the narrative then becomes that's not, well, first of all, that's not true, but. That is the rules of divorce, and you just stay very steady. Sometimes that helps. Instead of saying like, well, he's a liar, you know, like I, uh, or something like that. Another question that I get asked a lot is, what does parallel parenting really look like?

And my answer for you is that it is very. Specific to your situation, but it's only sharing things on a need to know basis. You wanna treat it like, like a hostile business relationship? Minimal contact, rigid boundaries. No emotion, everything in writing. No flexibility. No flexibility equals no entry point for abuse.

I would suggest looking at your situation and what you're communicating and probably releasing the need to get a response on the communications. If you are leaning into parallel parenting, you're in charge of your time, not their, not their time. If they refuse to bring a kid to baseball, 'cause it falls on theirs days, you only are bringing them on your days unless there's a provision that they have to go on all the days.

But like you only control what you can control. Another question, and people word this a variety of different ways, but what they basically are saying is like, they keep using the kids to hurt me. What can I do? I want you to recognize that this is abuse by proxy. So keep your focus on giving your child emotional tools, safe spaces, and that clear sense of security, and that's being that safe person for them that they can't get anywhere else.

And get them into counseling or therapy so that they have a way to talk about it. If you can't get therapy outside. Due to a court order, ask the school counselor to begin to meet with your kid. And if that's weaponized, then like I would probably try and see if you can bring them to a support group or something, or if you can bring them somewhere in your time, as long as it's allowed in your court order.

But give them a place to speak so that they don't internalize it, and for you to see that it's just, this is how that person is controlling. But by not responding to it, not reacting to it, you actually begin to starve them of that control. And so a lot of people get frustrated because they think that everyone thinks that they're a good parent, right?

When this person is out in the world, 'cause they're, they have their mask back on, how can I survive the smear campaign? And so smear campaigns are confessions, they're projections, they're not attacks, they're terrified of who you are when you are free. They're terrified that this isn't affecting you. Like you're not sitting around sad and you're sitting around angry and frustrated and like wanting to slam your head through a wall, which is different than sad and remorseful, but you build credibility when you're consistent and through documentation and like really grounding yourself.

And when my daughter first entered kindergarten, I was the only single parent in kindergarten. There's three kindergarten classes and I was the only one. And now there's like five, you know? And I'm sure as time goes, there's going to be more. But I remember feeling like, you know, I don't know the ugly duckling, you know, 'cause I was the only, like the only one, I was also the only single parent at pre-K.

But then as time went on and like you sort of see how these people. Interact. And like sometimes you can think, oh, that person, like they, they seem like they're acting a little crazy about this or like that. And then, but then as time goes on, you really see who's the stable one, who's the consistent one, who's the one showing up to the events after the court order is, you know, final after the divorce is final, like the wheels fall off the bus.

It's inconsistent. They fall off the bus. They can't maintain the mask until the smear campaign dies. You just have to ride it out long enough because anybody can do a projection of change behavior if they're getting validation from it, but eventually. You know, it's gonna die out. And when that dies out, that's when the true colors really start to show.

But usually there's one person who's always been consistently themselves. And if they were upset, if they were angry, if they're frustrated, like that's okay. They're allowed to have emotions as they're going through a divorce, you know, and nobody remembers that. They remember. Who have they seen, who has been consistent for their child?

Is there any hope for peace is a question I get often like as in will this end. The answer is probably not to be honest with you, but you can create peace within yourself and within your home. You can learn about post-separation abuse. You can set really firm boundaries, especially after you're divorced and you can build a life that.

You're not arguing with them in your head every day, but it takes time. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of inner work. I, a long time ago, told a story on here about how I spent probably an entire year arguing with him in my head while I was sitting on the beach with my kid because I just couldn't break out of it.

And when I'm there and I'm at with her on the beach, I now, I don't do that. And that feels. Really freeing and, but I will say this is that, and you know, you are of course free to take what resonates and leave what doesn't. But you're always gonna be this kid's parent. And when I think about my kid, I'm always gonna be her mom.

I'm gonna be her mom far past 18, but there's gonna be things that I have to support her through. I'm confident in that. And so. You know, at one point things are going to shift and maybe we're not bound by a court order, you know, so it will be a little bit different. But what I will be bound by is I'm always gonna be her mom and I'm always gonna support her.

And it doesn't mean that it's always gonna be easy. It's probably not going to be, and I don't know what that's gonna look like, and I'm not gonna project out what that might be. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's just. Being her mom, you know? But I don't think there will ever be peace. If you're in a high complex situation, it probably will always be a bit of a wave and go up and down.

A lot of people will ask me, how do I protect myself against legal abuse? And the short answer to that is continue to keep documentation even after court cases have ended and closed. However, really get a lawyer that understands, get a divorce coach that understands and really starve them of like the emotional game, even when it feels impossible, especially when it feels impossible.

Because if you're not giving them anything to abuse you with legally. Then it's going to appear as like egregious. And if you are being abused legally, that's kind of what you want. You want them, if they're gonna keep filing things in court, make them have to show that it makes sense when it, when it doesn't, it just doesn't make sense.

Right. And a lot of times a lawyer is not gonna wanna go in and defend. A client that's filing something for nothing. Like I can't tell you how many contempts I've seen get filed over nothing. Or like contempts get filed over agreements. Like I know now that Christmas time is like a super busy time for me in my role because so many people are filing holiday motions and having to go in and fight and make agreements and argue, and it's like.

Just really stay really firm, you know, and track it, predict it, but continue to document the patterns of behavior. I'm gonna answer one more question and I am just gonna say that I know that there's a lot more questions. If you have questions, you can absolutely write them to me at jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com.

I use the same email from an older, where I was originally coaching. But my divorce website is high conflict divorce coaching.com. And so if you have more questions, I know I'm just sort of skating, you know the surface, but I want you email them in. If they're like podcasts, ask questions I and I'll save them.

The last one I'm going to ask is, I mean, answer is, I don't even wanna answer this one, I'll be honest, because this is so highly specific, but I'm gonna do it anyway. They're trying to take the kids. What Now? I've got asked that in like a million different ways. I'm gonna say this. This is highly specific to your case.

I am even hesitant to answer this on this podcast. It is highly specific for your case and if that you're in that situation. What I do with people is I really get down to the details of what is going on, what documentation do you have? What is the history? What does this look like? What are the con concerns?

Is there, you know. What is the pattern of abuse? However, I will say they don't want the kids. They want you to be controlled, right? So document, document, document. Save the receipts, get aligned with somebody who knows what is going on and how to help you and prepare for the long strategic marathon.

Because it's a marathon, it's not a sprint. And if you really will want to clean up your side of the street. Your communications, how you present, what issues or issues, how you create contrast, because that begins to show contrast to the court. But it's a long game. There's no one answer, and the answer is not get a custody evaluator on the case.

It's not more professionals and more things, unless, unless that will specifically serve you. So there's my resistant answer to the question. And so I wanna end actually with something that I pulled together before, and it's the patterns that I see over and over in these cases. And so these, this is just a drop in the barrel, but I thought it would be helpful to name some of them so that you can see where you are in the cycle.

And so I wrote out the patterns that I see of and like kind of name them on the things that tend to happen and how they tend to show up. And so we have the concerned quote unquote abuser. They're suddenly really worried about your mental health, really worried about like if you're taking care of yourself, but it's just a weapon.

It's just another way that it's a weapon they're really concerned about, and it's like they're concerned about themselves and that's what they should focus on rather than trying to create a narrative out of you. You'll notice that they'll start to weaponize those things. I also see this, I kind of touched on this before with the whole Christmas thing, but like crisis creation before court dates and it's manufactured drama to destabilize you and so it's that they are escalating.

More communications trying to paint a narrative that they don't have before court dates. So don't bite the hook. If you're getting a lot of egregious messages, work with the coach or your, your attorney and how to respond to them, especially if they're coming in right before court because you know they're trying to create a narrative.

They will also hijack your kids' reality. Like there's like these subtle manipulations designed to discredit you. And so just be conscious of it. Just be conscious of what they're saying. You know, I think that. Over time, kids start to figure out the bullshit and figure out what's not. And it's awful. Like they should be able to just be kids, but the more that maybe you don't react to them when they come up, but maybe just help guide your child towards reality, the more it will help.

This other thing they do is like quote unquote reasonable traps and it's like offers that seem fair but are designed to reassert control. So it'll be like. Hi, so I know I'm, you know, I asked for this weekend and it's your parenting time, but instead of giving you like the next one, which would be the fair thing, and we'll just close this out in a month, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna offer you one, three months in advance.

'cause I'm actually not gonna be in town. It's like, that's why they trap themselves as they, uh, like trying to come across reasonable, right? Because like a judge or fresh eyes reading that might be like, oh, well they offered you a switch. It's like, yeah, they offered me a switch for when they needed childcare.

Right? That's not the switch. I want the switch. I, I will take them on that day too, but what I want is to not go three weekends in a row without parenting time or like, this is what we agreed to previously and now they're trying to be reasonable. Like so many of these. Parenting plans have like a, you need to exchange dates by the state clause in it for summer vacation.

You know, parent one always in on time. Parent two does it later and then is trying to manipulate it and change your dates. So it's like, and they're like, oh, well it's just like one switch. It's like, no, you're literally trying to change the vacation that I have first right to pick this year. And I'm saying no, and you're telling me I'm being controlling.

I'm just saying no. 'cause like last year when this happened, I didn't even think to ask you about switching dates with you. Right? So be aware of they're trying to come across as so, so reasonable. Don't bite the hook. There's a lot of times, you know, love bombing during divorce and so that's another pattern where there's like cruelty and affection cycling to keep you hooked and it makes you really thrown off.

Like I can't tell you how many times. I've experienced it or a client has where you get a nice message and you're like, oh wait. It's like, I don't know, like this, did the moon and the stars and the sun like all aligned today? Is it a solar eclipse? Like, you know, is mercury in the microwave? Like what changed from yesterday when I was an asshole?

To you apparently for asking you a question and then like. It happens all the time, and it's like that intermittent reinforcement of like, sometimes I'll be reasonable, but a lot of times, honestly, it's because they want something. And so just be mindful of, you know, if that's happening or if you're falling into these traps, because a lot of people do, and then they feel really disoriented and thrown off if it switches back again.

So you could just notice the pattern, like it's just a wave, you know? It goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down. But you can't stick to any of it. It's more like you have to just keep going. The last one that I will touch on is these like fake redemption arcs. When sudden therapy religion growth are all designed to manipulate outcomes, like they are all of a sudden lost weight, they all of a sudden are eating healthy, they all of a sudden are showing up to all your kids' sports games.

It's this fake redemption arc. But notice it's an arc, right? It's like it goes up and then it's gonna go back down again. So it really frustrates a lot of people 'cause they're like, now they couldn't show up or answer an email when we were in, when we were married for 20 years, but now, and so just see it for what it is.

It's a performance. If you are currently in the middle of this nightmare, or if you're helping someone survive it, I really want you to understand this, that the patterns you're seeing are real and they're predictable, they're strategic, and it's absolutely not your fault. But once you start to recognize the playbook, you really can start building your own counter strategy.

And that strategy centers your safety, your sanity, and your long-term piece. And so if you need support. You always can reach out to me for divorce coaching at high conflict divorce coaching.com. My link is in the show notes and I have two courses, divorcing Narcissist 1 0 1 and documentation for Family Court.

And like I said, I work with people all the time. I take all my experience and my training, but also different various strategies that I've helped people come up with to help you specifically. So if you do need support, please reach out. But I hope this was helpful, and like I said, if there's more questions that you have for future episodes, please send them in.